Traumatic Grief: What You Need to Know

General ideology held by members of our society: 

•  The perception of the world as meaningful and comprehensible 
•  The view of ourselves in a positive light 
•  Belief that it can’t happen to me 
•  We make sense of the world by regarding what happens as controllable 
•  Believe we can prevent misfortune by cautious behaviours 

So what happens when we are affected by an unexpected and undeserved, sudden act which shatters these preconceived ideas of our world?

TRAUMA

Trauma is any event which can make one feel unsafe in the world, and which affects the mind and nervous system thus creating psychological harm. 

Major traumatic events include: 

 death of a loved one; 
 being affected by criminal activities or anti social behaviour of another person; 
 road incidents where injuries or death occur; 
 assault, robber, 
 being bullied, threatened or intimidated; 
 breakdown in relationships, etc 


 When a person is confronted with a threatening or violent situation they experience a rush of adrenaline. This is the body’s way of preparing for either fight or flight. This adrenaline rush causes a state of alertness where all the attention is focused on the immediate situation, accompanied by feeling of intense fear, anxiety and/or anger. 


 It is not unusual for a person be become detached and calm and seems to freeze. The psychological term for this phenomenon is dissociation. When people suffer from dissociation they often lose all sense of self. They can lose all trust in themselves and other people. They suffer feelings of guilt, and thoughts that they should have somehow, done something to stop the event from occurring.

 Understanding Grief 

Grief is an emotion. It is a natural attempt to make internal and external adjustments to the undesired change is one's world brought upon by loss. It is a process involving many changes over time and is experienced mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Where the loss is sudden and unexpected there is the added ordeal of shock and disbelief which exacerbates all of the adjustments which the body has to adjust to. 


 When we suffer from the loss of loved one our bodies are called upon to adapt to major changes. These changes are the same as those which occur when danger is evident and the basic instinct for survival "fight or flight" comes into force. Natural chemicals are produced which cause physiological changes in our body. These physical changes can last from a few minutes to months and can reoccur every time we are faced with a new experience which we have not had to face previously.  

Common Symptoms of Grief 

While loss affects people in different ways, many people experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs. (1)

• Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.  

• Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.  

• Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.  

• Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.  

• Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.  

• Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia. 

 When working with people who have suffered the loss of a loved one it is important that from the first time that we meet with them we begin to assist them to rebuild their sense of personal power and choice. This will then help them to cope when any future trauma is experiences. 

 Understanding Cycles of Grief 

 Cycles of grief are individual for each person who suffers a loss. There is no set pattern to the cycles and how we handle the process will often depend on our previous learning experiences and how we have learnt to deal (or not deal) with trauma, on previous occasions.


• Avoidance - one of the initial responses to loss is a desire to avoid acknowledgment of that loss. Shock, denial, numbness and disorganisation are all natural initial responses to severe loss. Denial allows the person time to absorb the reality of the situation slowly and thus enhance their ability to cope with the situation. It is during this stage that there is a need to know the details of how and why the situation occurred. 


 • Confrontation- this is the time when we are confronted with intense grief, and move through extremes of emotions. These emotions often include: anger, guilt, yearning and despair as we begin to come to terms with the incident, trying to find some meaning to what is usually a meaningless situation. There will be times when accute grief may occur and at these times the affect can be termed as "grief spasms" which may be intense and overwhelming. Repeated review of the loss experience is common. It is at this stage that symptoms of depression usually occur. 


 • Integration - during this part of the grief process the waves of intense grief get further apart and lose some of their intensity. Positive memories become more frequent, people are now able to talk about their grief and complete any unfinished business. There is the beginning of a return to and hope. 

The Difference between Grief and Depression 

We highly recommend reading:
Children in Grief: How to Cope with Loss

Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy, since they share many symptoms. However, there are ways to tell the difference. 

Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant. (1)

Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief: 
• Intense, pervasive sense of guilt 
• Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying 
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness 
• Slow speech and body movements 
• Inability to function at work, home, and/or school 
• Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there 

Can antidepressants help grief? 

As a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may relieve some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process. 

When to seek professional help for grief 

If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better. 
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:
 • Feel like life isn’t worth living
 • Wish you had died with your loved one 
• Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it 
• Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks 
• Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss 
• Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

Healing Grief  - Advice for Family and Friends

• Simply ask them what they want, rather than giving them advice 
• Don’t feel that you can’t talk about their loss, they will want you to. More than anything they will appreciate the chance to talk to someone who really listens and who does not judge them.
• It is normal to be confused and to forget things, be more anxious, have trouble sleeping or eating and need time of work. They will appreciate you offers of practical or even financial support. 
• Don’t avoid them or pretend you can’t see them, talk to them, they need you to acknowledge their loss, even though this may be difficult for you to face. 
• Write them a note; Phone them; Cook them a meal 
• Be yourself, you are their main support – it is ok to cry, laugh, share their pain. 

If you are not sure what to do….ask them how you can help. 

Grief Resources on the Web:

• Grief Net: An email based support group for all kinds of grief, loss of spouse, child, partner, parent, etc. Groups are separated by type of loss, specific groups just for kids as well. Cost is $10 a month to join a group. All discussions are monitored.

• Kids Aid: a companion site to grief net for children. Also provides an email based group to join. Groups are separated by age, 12 and under and 13 to 18. Site provides kids a place to submit artwork and writings, as well as a posting board to have your questions answered.

• The Dougy Center: A place for children, teens, adults and families to share their experiences with grief. List of books, DVDs and training opportunities.

• Grief Recovery Online (GROWW): Grief chat room organized into different branches for specific losses. Designed to have an opportunity to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (2)

How We Can Help:

Since 1995 The Enough is Enough Counselling and Support Unit has provided effective counselling and support groups services drawing from proven therapies and our own unique experience working with people in crisis to bring about healing, hope and growth for all members in our community.

We provide a professional service with fully qualified counsellors - all our Counsellors belong to professional Counselling Associations.
We conduct group or individual, face to face, and telephone counselling. Counselling is available for everyone, regardless of cultural or religious background. You can be referred by an agency, a family member or friend, or refer yourself to our service.

If you are in Sydney, please contact us on 02 9542 4029 for an appointment. 

We highly recommend reading:
Mindfulness as a Practice

Resources: 

(1) Coping with Grief and Loss
Understanding the Grieving Process ( http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm)
(2) Grief- Where to Get Help (http://lifework.arizona.edu/ea/articles/grief)

Seven Faces of Intention by Dr. Dyer

"There is a universal source of energy that is called the “power of intention.” This source – whether you call it God, the divine, or something else – is always available to us and is infinite in its possibilities. - Dr Wayne Dyer

Seven Faces of Intention: Creativity, Kindness, Love, Beauty, Expansion, Unlimited Abundance, and Receptivity -  are the keys to unlocking the power of intention in your life. 

1. Creativity

 – Realize that there is creativity within you, and learn to recognize and appreciate your creative impulses. You don’t have to be an artist or a writer – creativity is just as important to the business person looking for the next big idea.

“If you’ve ever felt inspired by a purpose or calling, you know the feeling of Spirit working through you. Inspired is our word for in-spirited.”

Learn to recognize this state of being in-spirited, and you’ll unlock your inner creativity.

2. Kindness

 –Whether you call it karma, the law of reciprocity or the power of positive thinking, work from the belief that you’ll be rewarded for good intentions.
Dr. Dyer shares the science behind kindness in The Power of Intention. When you do something kind for someone else, their brain releases serotonin – and so does yours! Serotonin is a hormone that makes us feel good. So, every act of kindness makes two happier people in the world.

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

3. Love

 - Think of this power of intention as the face of kindness exponentiation with the emotion of love.

Love means a lack of judgment, a lack of anger or resentment. It means recognizing God in others.

4. Beauty

 – The face of beauty is the face of intention. 

Learn to appreciate the beauty of everything around you.

The face of beauty is truth, honesty and a knowing that what "is" -- is exactly as it should be. You can use this power by re-framing any negative thoughts you have towards others and replace them with an appreciate (a thankfulness attitude) towards them.

5. Expansion

 – Expand your awareness of what is possible. 

Don’t set limits on yourself; instead, learn to listen to your intuition. 

If you see the world as a negative and hurtful place, then you’re only ever going to experience it that way. Instead, learn to recognize your true nobility.
“True nobility isn’t about being better than someone else, it’s about being better than you used to be.”

6.Unlimited Abundance

 – Realizing your unlimited abundance means facing down your fears and limitations. Dr. Dyer has a simple three-word suggestion for how to put this into action: 

Act “as if”. This means acting as if the thing you want has already happened.

You were probably taught all of your life about limitations and about what is "not possible." Fortunately, this came from well-meaning people who believed in limitation and not abundance. This law does not require you to be intellectually perfect in order to receive the benefits. Believing in unlimited abundance has no downside, so why not take another look at your business life after you answer this question, "What if I could have it all?"

7. Receptivity 

– This means being open without judgment. Being aware enough and engaged enough to see possibilities where others don’t. And most importantly, it means simply relaxing and letting the Power of Intention do its work.

Resources:
http://www.selfgrowth.com

Laughter

Laughter is such a great gift because:

1. Is cheap
2. Requires no special skill
3. Doesn't need any special equipment
4. Can be done anywhere
5. Is universal and common to all cultures 

 and  ... is proven to be a very efficient and effective way to happiness!

Laughter has evolved over the last two to four million years. Over that time, it's played an important role in our social fabric and is an instinct we share with our closest cousins in the animal world - the primates. What is unnervingly clear is that we are laughing far less than we used to.

It 's a sad waste of a great natural resource! 

Here are some quick and simple ways to get more of the joy of laughter into your life:

1. Hang out with people that laugh!
It's infectious. Have you got a friend that makes you laugh? or may be your relatives? Make time to meet them or call. It's valuable!

2. Determine your humour profile
What makes you laugh? Be honest about it. Make a list and then build up a stock of funny books and videos or films that you can watch when the need takes you. Compile a memory journal of all the funny experiences you have had. This might include funny pictures, articles or cartoons that made you laugh or just mementos of a funny situation. These memories can return you to that funny moment. It’s a great project and you can continue to add to it. It’s a wonderful resource when you’re feeling low, guaranteed to immediately lift your spirits.

3. Laugh at yourself
Notice what you do that's silly or childish and learn how to poke fun at yourself. Change perspective. Look at the situation from someone else's point of view - are you acting like a bit of a goose? Imagine the situation five years from now - does it really matter?

4. A weekly laughter list
Once a week, jot down five to seven things that made you laugh or were funny over the past week

5. Practice! Practice! Practice! Discover what makes you happy and keep doing it!

• Spend time playing with your pets and/or children. Play is a great way to bring on laughter

• Download screensavers that make you smile — with all the time we spend sitting in front of our computers, it seems logical to use some of this time to smile.

• Avoid the news on television, radio and in the paper. If you can’t resist, finish with the cartoon section so you can have a hearty chuckle.

• Take 30 minutes every day and live it as if it was the last 30 minutes of your life — that sure puts things into focus.

By Cris Popp, Chief Laughter Officer, Laughter Works

The “Scary Times” Success Manual

From time to time, economic and political events make people anxious and fearful about their futures.  Strategies, listed in this article will help you to increase your confidence, sense of direction and capability in all areas of your personal and business lives.  We hope these strategies  will support your creative thinking, communications , and actions.

1   Forget about yourself, focus on others

Uncertainty can drive people into themselves, making them feel isolated and helpless.

The best strategy here is to go in the opposite direction, expanding your connections with others – focusing on helping them transform their negatives into positives.

The more you contribute in this fashion, the less you will need to worry about your own situation. You will become a source of confidence for everyone else.

2  Forget about your commodity, focus on your relationships

In uncertain times, people become frightened about the viability of their “commodities” – the things they sell and the jobs they hold. A more strategic response here is to disregard your own commodity and focus on deepening the power and possibility of all your relationships – with family, friends, team members, suppliers, clients, customers, and prospects.

Every time you strengthen a relationship, the viability of your commodity will increase.

3.  Forget about the sale, focus on creating value

Most people don’t like being sold at the best of times. When the future is less certain, they turn off, hang up, and slam shut.

What people want at all times is value creation – that is, solutions that help them eliminate their dangers, capture their opportunities, and reinforce their strengths.

When you focus on providing these three solutions, the sales will naturally follow.

4.  Forget about your losses, focus on your opportunities

Things you had and may have taken for granted sometimes disappear. Some people never get over this. They keep trying to replay their old games.

A better strategy is to start an entirely new game – using new ideas, new energies, new tools, and new resources.

As the world changes, opportunities suddenly become available to achieve far more than you ever did in the past.

5.  Forget about your difficulties, focus on your progress

Because of some changes, things may not be as easy as they once were. New difficulties can either defeat you or reveal new strengths.

Your body’s muscles always get stronger from working against resistance. The same is true for the “muscles” in your mind, your spirit, and your character.

Treat this whole period of challenge as a time when you can make your greatest progress as a human being.

6.  Forget about the “future”, focus on today

The future is an abstraction. It doesn’t exist except as an idea.

The only future that has any reality is the one that you continually create for yourself through each day’s contributions, achievements, and results.

This is an excellent time to ignore all those experts who never saw the present circumstances coming. Focus on what you can do over the course of each 24 hours, and you will be the only expert on the future you will ever need.

7.   Forget about who you are, focus on who you can be

Many people define themselves by external circumstances. When these abruptly or unexpectedly change, they don’t know who they are, so they keep trying to be who they used to be.

From now on, take your cues from the inside – from your dreams, ideals, values, and operating principles.

These need never change, regardless of the circumstances. Take advantage of external confusion to become self-directed, self-managed, and self-motivated.

8.  Forget about events, focus on your responses

When things are going well, many people think they are actually in control of events. That’s why they feel so defeated and depressed when things turn bad. They think they’ve lost some fundamental ability.

The most consistently successful people in the world know they can’t control events – but continually work toward greater control over their creative responses to events.

Any period when things are uncertain is an excellent time to focus all of your attention and energies on being creatively responsive to all of the unpredictable events that lie ahead.

9.   Forget about what’s missing, focus on what’s available

When things change for the worse, many desirable resources are inevitable missing – including information, knowledge, tools, systems, personnel, and capabilities. These deficiencies can paralyse many people, who believe they can’t make decisions and take action.

A strategic response is to take advantage of every resource that is immediately available in order to achieve as many small results and make as much daily progress as possible.

Work with every resource and opportunity at hand, and your confidence will continually grow.

1  Forget about your complaints, focus on your gratitude

When times get tough, everyone has to make a fundamental decision: to complain or to be grateful. In an environment where negative sentiment is rampant, the consequences of this decision are much greater.

Complaining only attract negative thoughts and people.

Gratitude, on the other hand, creates the opportunity for the best thinking, actions, and results to emerge. Focus on everything that you are grateful for, communicate this, and open yourself each day to the best possible consequences.

Resources:
Adopted from Strategic Coach, Dan Sullivan, "The Scary Times" Success Manual

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Self-Compassion as a Coping Strategy During Stressful Life Events

Self-Compassion, as a psychological strategy for coping with stressful life events, appeared in the psychological literature only recently with Dr. Kristin Neff’s (an educational psychologist in the University of Texas, the world’s foremost expert on self compassion, and the author of, “Self-Compassion: The Key to Human Happiness” ) publications in 2003.

Having a small son with a serious mental illness, she had to cope with such tragedy, passed through feelings of grief, despair and anger to developing a new psychological approach to helping people to deal with the most painful and stressful experiences in their lives.

This article will inform you of  new strategies that focus on developing a new self-to-self relationship based on warmth and compassion. These strategies will always be under your control and can be used at any time, including the time when you lose, fail and are disappointed as well as when you win or excel.

 “You are going to have painful experiences – absolutely every one of us is – are you going to turn them into something healing or are you going to let them destroy your life?” – Dr. Kristin Neff 

1: Developing Self-Compassion: Changing self-criticism to compassionate self correction

Consider your answers to these questions:
● Are you compassionate to yourself when you lose, fail , or face disappointment as well as when you win or excel?
● Are you kind and forgiving to yourself when you feel regret and sadness?
● Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family? 

How do you feel if people criticise or bullying you? How does it feel? The unpleasantness will make you feel anxious and upset because those threat emotion systems in your brain have been triggered. This will affect your stress systems and your stress hormone, cortisol, will increase. If the criticism is harsh and constant it may make you feel distressed and depressed. Our own thoughts and images can do the same.

Learning to spot self-criticism and learning what to do about it will be a key issue in developing self-compassion.

Kindness involves understanding one’s difficulties and being kind and warm in the face of failure or setbacks rather than harshly judgmental and self-critical.

Imagine two teachers teaching a young child. One focuses on their deficits and picks on them when they make mistakes. The other teacher focuses on what the child does well and encourages the child to improve and learn from their mistakes and offers clear guidance. Which one will help the child’s confidence? Which one do you really prefer?

Compassionate self-correction is about being open to all our weaknesses and limitations (remember, we did not design our brains) but with a genuine wish to improve. Compassionate self-correction is based on being open-hearted and honest about our mistakes with a genuine wish to improve and learn from them.

We need to recognize that our genuine wish is to improve.

Self-criticism, on the other hand, comes from a “fear – and –anger based place”. It is concerned with punishment and is usually backwards-looking, related to things we have done in the past. The problem is that you cannot change a single moment of the past, you can only change the future.

There are many reasons for becoming self-critical. 

One common reason is that others have been critical of us in the past and we simply take their views as accurate. We do not stop to think whether they really wanted to help us and really cared us – in fact they may just have been rather stressed people who were critical of everyone. We just go along with their criticisms of us and never stop to think if they are still reasonable and accurate.

Lots of people tend to beat themselves up and get into the habit of using self-loathing as a way to self – motivate. ” If I didn’t kick myself, I’d never do anything.” This view goes back to childhood where parents and teachers over-focused on the child’s errors and not on their positives. As a result, the child becomes good at self-criticism and punishment but poor at seeing their good points, self-rewarding and valuing.

But when you stop and think about it when has name calling or accusing someone of being a “big loser” ever motivated anyone?

It may also be that we are trying very hard to reach a certain standard or achieve something or present ourselves in a certain way. When it does not work out as we would like this can frighten us because we might think we have let ourselves down or others will be rejecting of us.

“Compassion and gentleness are your right when you lose, fail and are disappointed as well you win or excel.”, Dr Kristin Neff

Research reveals that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more caring behaviour in relationships and less reactive anger. “
 With self-esteem it’s about how you measure up against others and is, by definition, focused on social comparison, “says Neff. “ You have to be cuter, smarter, faster and richer or you’ve not good enough. So many surveys have shown that Americans rate themselves as ‘above average’ or ‘superior’ on almost every task you query them about, whether it’s level of driving skill or reading speed. Feeling you’re much better than average creates a distinct sense of separation, a sense of distance, and for many it leads to narcissism. Self-esteem so often hinges on winning and is contingent on the attention and approval of others.”

2: Developing Self – Compassion: Recognizing that any experiences, no matter how painful are part of the common human experience

Consider your answers to these questions:
● Isn’t it true that I am not the only one going through such difficult times and that all people experience things like this, or worse, at some point in their lives?
● Can I feel my feelings of pain without getting lost in the drama or storyline of my situation?

When people fail, experience loss or rejection, are humiliated, or confront other negative events, they often feel that their experience is personal and unique when, in reality, everyone experiences problems and suffering.

“When you have self-compassion and something awful happens to you,” says Neff, “you’re able to step back and say, ”Yes, it’s very difficult, what I’m going through right now, and I’m going to acknowledge and feel this grief, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Maybe this isn’t worth getting quite so distressed about.”

Realizing that one is not alone in the experience and that imperfection is part of the shared human experience reduces people’s feelings of isolation and promotes adaptive coping.

It is how Dr Neff is talking about her personal life journey:
“ ...I started to think about how all families have issues and difficulties related to their children at some point in life, even if their children are “normal” and healthy.  I began to see us as just another family and my son’s illness was just one of the unique features of the fabric of our family, not a punishment or defeating disaster. I started feeling a connection with other families rather than isolation.”

3: Self-Compassion: Mindful Acceptance - Maintaining balance and perspective through mindfulness

Dr Neff identified mindfulness as a core component of self-compassion and suggested people who are able to maintain perspective in the face of stress and approach the situation with mindfulness cope more successfully.

Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to your life, on purpose, in the present moment in a non attached way. By observing, non judging or analysing thoughts and feelings, allowing them to ‘come’ and ‘go’ as they come and go. Mindfulness is an intentional way of ‘being’ in life. The present moment is emphasised – the past is in the past and the only influence we can have over the future is to live fully and consciously in the ‘now’.

We highly recommend reading:
Mindfulness as a Practice

Being mindful allows us to be aware of important feelings and other problems that interfere with the daily management of life’s difficulties – this then allows us to make conscious effective decisions about life challenges. The opposite of mindfulness is ‘mindlessness’ where our thoughts and actions can limit our conscious decisions.

Mindfulness takes patience and practice and takes time to develop, it is more a way of being than something you sit and do. Over time you will develop new habits and develop new skills to break free from limiting or unhelpful habits. 

Consider your answers to these questions:
Take a few minutes before you go to sleep and review your day.  Ask yourself :
● Where was I hard on myself?
● What events (internal or external) triggered that harshness within me?
● What feelings did I experience – anger, fear, disgust, shame, frustration, guilt?
● What were the thoughts that triggered these emotions?
● And most important – what beliefs do I hold that fuel these thoughts and feelings?  Beliefs are the cement that holds it all together.
● Finally, stop and imagine what it would feel like to be kinder on yourself in those moments when you believe you “fall short”. What happens to your energy level when you release your judgment?
●Spend five minutes remembering kindnesses that occurred in the day that went well.

Self-compassion is a skill. If you find that developing self-compassion can help you to deal with your life challenging events, we recommend you to consider taking a compassionate mind training (CMT). Results showed that CMT resulted in a significant decrease in depression, anxiety, shame, and self-attacking tendencies. Alternatively, if you would like to learn more about mindfulness or need some professional guidance please contact our counselling unit for an appointment 02 9542 4029.

Resources:

● Self – Compassion with Dr Kristin Neff, Jim Porter

● Self – Compassion, Stress, and Coping, Ashley Batts Allen and Mark R. Leary

● Training Our Minds in , with and for Compassion by Paul Gilbert PhD FBPsS

● Why Do We Continue to Think Self-Compassion is Self-Indulgent? http://intentionalworkplace.com/2011/03/14/why-do-we-continue-to-think-self-compassion-is-self-indulgent/

● What is Self-Love? It’s You Being Compassionate to You, Dr Annette

Healthy Relationships Checklist: How do you know if it’s still working?

Remember the feeling when a relationship is new?

The excitement every time the phone rings, the long hours spent together that just fly by and the giggling conversations with girlfriends or good-natured teasing by mates, over how you were meant for each other.


Sometimes even the closest relationships can go wrong. But how do you know if you or your partner may need help, or when should seek help for your relationship? The glossy magazines have quizzes on how to tell if you’re in love, or if he/she loves you, but not if it’s not working. 

What can we measure our relationship against to know if it’s going in the right direction, and if it’s not what can we do?

Situations that should ring alarm bells are when your partner:

• lies or is secretive constantly about where s/he is, what s/he is doing or who s/he is with
• needs to know your detailed whereabouts every day and constantly rings to check up on you
• tries to make you sever contact with friends or family, because really you only need him/her
•  demeans your thoughts, feelings and other relationships
•  questions your past constantly, yet you know very little about his/hers
• inspects your finances and needs to know where every cent is spent, yet you have no idea how much s/he even earns
•  constantly needs to be with you and gets angry and spiteful if you want to go anywhere with anybody else
•  wants to pick fights or arguments with others if they look at you
•  yells and screams and threatens you if you don’t do what s/he wants
•  turns to physical violence then apologises, but says you ‘made him/her’ do it

If you can tick any of the above, you might need to speak to someone about your relationship and explore how to improve it - or leave it.

We highly recommend reading:
8 Secrets to a Strong and Happy Family

Couples often experience difficulties due to each others’ ‘baggage’ - but with commitment from both sides, these should be temporary. However where only one party is making an effort they can be insurmountable. If someone loves you they want to lift you up, make you happy, not pull you down and have you live with humiliation or violence.

If you are not happy or not feeling safe and comfortable in your relationship only YOU can change this.

There are people and organisations who will be there for you, will understand you and support you. 

Please call  us for the individual counselling session on 02 9542 4029 .

We provide a professional service with fully qualified counsellors.

A Special Christmas Message from Enough is Enough's Team

Dear Friends!

The team at Enough is Enough just wanted to take a moment to wish you a very happy and safe holiday season. Peace and good will to all to you from us at Enough is Enough. Have a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year !

Christmas Holidays – The Gift We Give Ourselves

Christmas is coming........

As the end of the year draws near, you can possibly find yourself looking forward to the end of the holiday season instead of the beginning. Maybe not everything in your life is the way you want it to be or maybe you experienced some trauma, loss or grief during this year. Maybe you live alone, and very often Christmas time is just a time of loneliness for you, when it seems that everyone in the world has someone to celebrate with – except you.

The truth is that Christmas offers us a wonderful opportunity to reinvent ourselves and take one small step towards a new life, a life that will be a little bit different than the life you had before. A life with more joy, appreciation, excitement and peace.

We might use the end of the year as a time to reflect on our own journey this year. We may ask ourselves what we loved most, what were the most difficult things and the most exciting things for us this year, what we learned and what we could have done differently. We can accept our ups and downs of the year, and decide in which area of our lives we need more attention in the coming New Year. 


Magic of Christmas

Imagine now that this is going to be your happiest holiday season ever.

Make up your mind, that a Christmas season is supposed to bring out the best in us, rather than do us in.

With your expectations set on positive, here are some attitude adjustments to try: 

* I’ll let the holidays flow, rather than trying to make them fit into a fixed schedule.

* I’ll remember that people are more important than things. 

* I’ll relax my expectations for myself and others this year. 

* I’m going to live in the present moment and enjoy each activity for itself instead of always thinking about what is ahead of me. 

* I’m going to approach the holidays with a sense of joyful anticipation and wonder, just like I did when I was a child.                      (by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer)

                                                                                                                   

Each moment of our lives affords us a choice. You have choices of holiday celebrations. Try to find in each present moment of the holiday season something to savor and enjoy. The true meaning of the holidays is one of joy, love, peace and happiness.   


Cultivate a child-like awe and appreciation and have  joyous holidays and a happy New Year!

Stay with us in 2012! 

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Violence in Media: Four Parental Media Monitoring Strategies

Over the past half-century, an explosion in electronic media including television, cable television, video games, computers, the Internet, cell phones, and iPods marketed directly at the youngest children in our society, have been regarded with dismay by adults concerned about how these changes have played out in young people’s lives.


Used properly, the media can teach children many positive things about the world as well as teach them a sense of belonging and social responsibility. Child informative, high-quality educational TV content is shown to be associated with better educational outcomes and academic engagement, in opposite, viewing violence on television and playing violence video games has the potential to affect an individual child’s behaviour, psychological wellbeing and beliefs about the world. (Schmidt and Anderson research, 2007).

Media and Violent Behaviour

Many children’s programs – especially the so-called classic cartoons present violence in a humorous fashion that minimized the pain and suffering of victims. As a result , when children watch this type of depiction, they may learn that violence is funny and has little negative impact on victims.

The news media can lead people to believe that the stories reported are closer to home, or that they happen more often than they do in real life. Violence in schools is an example of a prevalent story in the news. So prominent in fact, that adults and kids alike are afraid that violence is sure to happen in their schools. The reality, however, reveals that there is less than a one in two mission chance that a child will be injured during a violent outbreak at school.

Can learning teens about bullying be presented using violence scenes? 


Take a look at a 17 minute short film launched by Australian Communications Minister Stephen Conroy in Sept 2011 about the dangers of sexting and cyber bullying, with some scenes including a fight captured on a mobile phone and posted online and teenagers taking nude photographs of each other and sending them to others. The video went around the world and was watched by tens of thousands. However, an expert on bullying, Professor Kenneth Rigby of the University of South Australia, said there was a risk that rather than acting as a warning about the dangers of bullying, the video was “allowing people to revel in a violent spectacle.” (1)

Extensive research evidence indicates that media violence can contribute to aggressive behaviour, desensitization to violence, nightmares, and fear of being harmed.

What about violent video games?

We recommend reading:

A Cry From The Heart: 

Violent Video Games For Kids

Pilots use flight simulators to learn to fly. Motorists use driving simulators to learn to drive. This kind of visual imagery is a very powerful learning medium. Some children are “print aversive” and thus even more receptive to visual imagery than others. 

Prof. Dave Grossman of West Point Military Academy uses the same violent video games that our kids play with; to teach army recruits and policemen to overcome their natural reluctance to kill another human being.

Prof. Grossman calls violent video games; “killing simulators” because they’re such an effective medium to teach someone the will and the skill to kill” They are very effective in turning human beings into compliant automatons.

An increasing amount of research is being conducted into links between online video games playing and “pathological internet misuse”.  International mental health experts are considering including “video game addiction and internet addiction” in the next edition of globally recognised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders “to encourage further study”.  In the most extreme cases, teens and young adults spend up to 50 hours almost non-stop playing online computer games, even refusing to take toilet breaks. (2)

Strategies for Parents

Parents sometimes feel overwhelmed and wonder if they are actually able to make a difference in media saturated world. 
The good news is that the research demonstrates that parents are actually in a very powerful position. 

When parents set limits on the amount of screen time their children watch (or play), set limits on the content so that it is age-appropriate, and talk about what they see and hear, this is a powerful protective factor for children. (3)

In 2001, Amy Nathanson, a researcher at The Ohio State University, published an article outlining the 3 basic ways that parents can help prevent their children from experiencing negative media effects. In past years, few studies have examined parental regulation of video game play, adding one more strategy to Nathanson’s parental monitoring.

1. Restrictive Mediation:

Limit-setting on amount of media
Limit-setting on content of media

Putting in action:● Does your family have rules about how much TV may be watched (videogame played)?
● Does your family have rules about when TV may be watched?
● Can your child only watch TV when you are in the room to watch with him/her?
● As a parent, do you help your child decide what programs to watch?
● How often does your child have to ask your permission before watching a movie orDVD on TV?
● How often do you decide what video games you may rent or buy for your child?
● How often does your child have to ask your permission before playing video games?

2. Active Mediation:

Commenting on program(video game) contents and discussing these with children, helping them to understand what they see (play) on TV , computer, or news. Engaging the children in communication about what is being viewed.

Putting in action:It is important to talk with kids about what they see and hear. Ask your child questions that help him/her think through the messages that may not be immediately apparent.
It is actually very difficult for most parents to do especially with tough issues, and require  time, thought and courage. For example, after viewing a show, ask them what they think about that. Ask them why they think the show portrayed it that way. Let your children know not to be afraid to talk with you whenever they see something they don’t understand.

3. Co-viewing Mediation:

Watching together and discussing programs in general

Putting in action:How often do you watch TV together with your child?
How often you play computer or video games with your child?
By sharing the experience with your child, you will be able to know exactly what they are being exposed to and can talk with them about it. If you see something that may be upsetting to your child, or make them scared or confused , you can start a conversation on the subject. For younger children, you may also consider setting rules against watching TV/Playing games when you aren’t around.

4. Peripheral Monitoring Strategy:

Strategically placing game platforms in public areas such as the living room, offering them the possibility to keep an eye on their children’s gaming while doing other household chores at the same time.

Research suggests that the most effective parental practices are co-viewing programs with children and active mediating, while the popular practice of restrictive mediation is less effective. (5)

As a parent, only you can decide what strategies are most appropriate for your child. Today, our kids have access to much more information than previous generations. They are likely to learn things from media that parents don’t want them to learn. Media can affect their health, behaviour and family life in negative ways. It is why it is so important to understand the negative impact of media to know  how to use it properly  for healthy children’s development.

Resources:

1. Bullying, violence, revenge: the dangers of antisocial networking laid bare for children, Stephanie Gardiner

2. War on Young Minds, by Bruce McDougall

3. Research of the Effects of Media, Douglas A.Gentile , Ph.DThe Effects of Violent Media on Children www.psychology.org.au

4. Talking with kids about tough issues, http://www.childrennow.org/index.php/learn/twk_news

5.Parental mediation of children’s video game playing: A similar construct as television mediation, by Peter Nikken