Some Tips for Teenagers Dealing with Conflict and Violence

This article features highlights from the booklet " Pull Ya Head In and Think!" by Kimi Alcott, Cultural Coordinator, available to download from our website (PDF 5 Mb). 

This booklet is for teenagers. It talks about taking responsibility for yourself, respecting others, and about the hardest job of all, Being a Teenager.

Who am I?

• You have a right to be YOU, you don't have to be a size 8 or have the perfect hair... You are beautiful in a way that know other person can be.


• You are here for YOUR JOURNEY, no one else's but YOURS!

Respecting Others

• Everyone such as yourself is on their own personal journey... respect that


• Respect other Cultures:

  Australia is now Multi-cultural, other nationalities can be seen everyday. We should be proud they chose our country to live, but also we don't know why they left their homeland. Maybe their country is not safe or they escaped poverty. Look at other countries and see how they live, and understand how lucky Australia is. We can go to the shop without dodging bullets, we have fresh water and we have government support.

• What someone else thinks of you is none of your business. REALLY who CARES!


• We are ALL unique. Accept others that may be different and hope they respect us in return.

The Journey

If I didn't travel this journey I wouldn't be the person I am today. Each time something doesn't work out I believe it wasn't meant happen this way. And I need to take another direction or path... This mightn't work for you but it does for me.

Look at life as YOUR Journey.

Arguing and Anger

Don't get into arguments, they are a waste of time and energy. Anger is an internal killing machine. Anger does more damage to you than anyone else. Why do this to yourself? MOVE ON.

The Future
You can do whatever You want to do, be what You want to be, but You have to take the First Step.

• Talk to someone
• Contact services
• Move forward
• Do it for YOU
• Take Your Journey

Life with No Violence

Have you...
Been abused in your relationship? Blamed yourself? Felt hopeless and alone? 

Love Control is a groundbreaking film produced by Women's Health In the North, taken directly from young women's experiences of abusive relationships, showing how quickly jealous and controlling behaviour can escalate into full blown violence.

 
Do you recognise a similar situation in your life?

Join our Domestic Violence Support Group. You can share common experiences and receive emotional support, information, and practical help with resources. 

Professional counselling is available.

Male Victims of Domestic Violence

Why am I letting this happen?

The term domestic violence covers a wide range of unacceptable behaviour within the family and may take many forms. Violence can take the form of emotional or psychological abuse as well as physical assault. Indirect violence (threats, verbal abuse and denigration) may, in certain cases, be as detrimental as actual violence. It has been estimated that in 100 domestic violence cases, 40% of these were against men, 60% against women.

Men who are abused by women often suffer in silence because they are afraid that no one will believe them or take them seriously. In addition to the shame shared by many women victims of domestic violence, men must overcome gender stereotypes. 

Many men are too embarrassed to admit that they are being abused. Traditional gender roles also confuse the matter. A 'real man' is expected to be able to "control" his wife. Aside from the embarrassment over admitting abuse, abused men may feel that they are somehow less of a man for "allowing" themselves to be abused. 

"It hits your self-esteem as a man because you do catch yourself thinking "why am I letting this happen?".

But just like abused women are told when they suffer physical violence, abuse is never the victim's fault. This is no less true just because the victim happens to be male. It's difficult for men to ask for support.

How Domestic Violence Affects Men

The researchers found domestic violence is associated with serious, long-term effects on men's mental health. 
Women are more likely than men to experience more severe physical abuse, "But even nonphysical abuse can do lasting damage."(1) 
Depressive symptoms were nearly three times as common in older men who had experienced abuse than in those who hadn't, with much more severe depression in the men who had been abused physically.

What Makes the Women Turn Violent  Against the Men

Here are just some reasons why a woman turns violent against a man. Same with the above signs, these reasons are also found on men who are violent against women:

• The woman is an alcoholic. As a result, she is not able to control her impulses and gets easily frustrated. If her partner tries to stop her or tries to reason with her, she might get violent and turn against her partner.

• The woman has psychological problems. Personality disorders may cause a woman to commit domestic violence against the man.

• The woman has unrealistic expectations or unrealistic demands. Women who have unrealistic expectations or who give unrealistic demands from their partners or the men get easily frustrated, depressed, anxious or irritable. Such reactions may very well turn them violent. To top it all, these women would refuse to get treatment or to let their men help them. As a result, the cycle continues.

How to Know if You're a Victim of Domestic Violence

The signs that the men are also victims of domestic violence are much, much similar to the signs of domestic violence against women. Here are just some of these signs:

• The woman calls the man bad names, insults him (publicly or privately) and tries to put him down every chance she has.
• The woman tries to stop the man from going to work or to public places. She also tries to prevent him from seeing his family members and friends.
• The woman threatens the man with violence and harm, particularly when she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
•  The woman actually hits or hurts the man by kicking, punching, slapping, shoving or choking him. Or the woman may do the same things to their children or pets.
• The woman takes advantage of the man sleeping or resting and assaults him when he is in no position to defend himself.
• The woman threatens to leave the man and to take their children with her if he will attempt to go against her or to fight back.
• Despite all of above, the woman blames the man for her behaviour!

Tips for the Male Victim of Domestic Violence

Take the violence seriously  

Many men are inclined to find it amusing when the 'little woman' lashes out at them. (In one survey of college students, 20% of men who had been attacked by their girlfriends thought it was funny). Violence that seems harmless at first can escalate.

The first time she hits you, tell her that if there's a second time, it will be the last time she sees you - and act on it.

Don't hit back

 If you're an average sized man and your partner is an average sized woman, you can do major damage with a single blow. You will feel much better about yourself if you don't retaliate in kind. However, physically restraining the batterer is ordinarily not an acceptable alternative.

Don't keep it a secret

 If you cannot easily leave (because of the children, for example) let someone know what is happening. Overcome the embarrassment and call the police. Talk to a counselor, to your doctor, to family members.

Speak out about your experience as a victim of abuse. Perhaps domestic violence would no longer be perceived as merely a woman's issue.

What To Do In Our Community

Many domestic violence services are aimed mostly at helping a female population. University found that when an abused man called the police, the police were more likely to arrest him than to arrest his abusive female partner. This is partly the result of primary aggressor laws, which encourage police to discount who initiated and committed the violence but instead look at other factors that make them likelier to arrest men. 

When the men tried calling domestic-violence hot lines, 64% were told the hot lines helped only women, and more than half were referred to programs for male domestic-violence perpetrators.(2)

Work to ensure that male domestic-violence victims will not lose their children in custody proceedings. Ms Hines (2) fond that the biggest reason male domestic-violence victims hesitate to leave their wives/girlfriends is concern for their children. If they leave, their children are left unprotected in the hands of a violent mother. If they take their children, when they're found, the children will be taken away and given to the mother. Moreover, the men are likely to lose custody of their children in the divorce/custody proceeding in any event.

When safe, the domestic violence system needs to treat violent couples as violent couples, instead of shoehorning them into the "man as perp/woman as victim" model. Counselling services for violent couples are unnecessarily rare. Please call our Counselling Service for support and counselling on 02 9542 4029 (Sydney office).

Resources:

(1)    http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/05/19/domestic-violence-affects-men/2309.html

(2)    http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/men.htm

Have you or any of your mates been a victim of domestic violence?
Tell your story to us!

SHARE WITH US YOUR THOUGHTS !

Protecting Yourself - Your Personal Safety Plan

"Protecting yourself" is not isolated to warding off violent attacks. The benefits of self-defence training include protecting your physical health, your mental health and your emotional well-being.

It is important to be aware of and exercise your right to safety. Unfortunately, it is not a perfect world and your personal safety may be threatened. It’s a good idea to follow safety strategies so you are able to deal in a range of situations which we may find ourselves everyday as well as possible abusive, violence and bullying situations. It is also important that you acknowledge and respect that all people have the right to safety.

Everyone should have their own Personal Safety Plan. It consists of safety strategies you choose to suit your own lifestyle and abilities. The more you follow them and know that they work, the more they will become habits. It should not involve succumbing to a list of rules provided by another person.

The next 8 Core Concepts of Personal Safety which will help you develop your Personal Safety Plan .

1. Keep fear of violence in perspective

Many people have a fear of violent crime that is wildly disproportionate to its reality. This fear often results in unnecessary limitations being placed on your lifestyle. Education is the key to putting this fear into perspective. If you know the trends associated with personal violence offences, such as how often, when, where they occur and by whom, you can work out how likely it is that you would become a victim, and in what circumstances. If you follow practical safety strategies you can significantly minimise these risks.

This way, preventative strategies are based on the actual risk, rather than restricting your lifestyle based on an exaggerated fear.

2. Commitment

Being committed to your personal safety is fundamental to maintaining it. Many people have a strong commitment to keeping their loved ones safe, and are willing to do anything to protect them, but don’t have the same level of commitment to their own safety. Value yourself and keep yourself safe, by making safety strategies a part of your lifestyle.

3. Confidence

Confidence is a valuable tool in all you do. In the context of personal safety, having and displaying confidence plays a vital role. Offenders target people they see as vulnerable and the ones who would offer them the least resistance. So that vast majority of threats can be deterred if you appear to be confident and self-assured. A confident person is more likely to identify and implement preventative safety strategies; to have faith in their own abilities; and to take action if their personal safety is threatened. A person without confidence tends to be too scared to go out, diminishing their quality of life.

Having confidence is a source of power. And remember – if you don’t feel confident in any situation, fake it! Often visual imagery is a technique you can use to help you act sensibly under pressure. This means imagining yourself in a situation where you are using safety strategies successfully.

4. Body language

Body language is a powerful tool that you can use to your advantage. By appearing confident and comfortable in your surroundings, you decrease your attractiveness to potential offenders.

Strong, confident body language includes standing tall with your head up, shoulders back and walking with a purpose. Making brief eye contact with passers-by is also an effective method of demonstrating that you are not intimidated.

5. Awareness of surroundings

Being aware of what is happening around you will alert you to possible threats to your safety, before they reach you. This gives you the opportunity to remove yourself from the situation.

The key is to look relaxed and comfortable, rather than paranoid, thereby appearing “streetwise”. This decreases the likelihood of being targeted as a potential victim.

6. Trusting and acting on instincts

Your body senses danger long before your mind consciously works out why. It is vital you listen to, trust, and act on these instincts.

If you do sense danger or pick up “bad vibes” from someone, something or some place, leave immediately and go to a place where you feel safe.

7. Assertiveness

Assertive communication allows people to express their points of view objectively to reach an agreeable solution. It does not involve backing down (being passive) or standing over someone (being aggressive).

Assertive behaviour does not come naturally to most people. However, by practising assertiveness in handling minor matters, such as advising a shop assistant if you have been short-changed or sending back unsatisfactory food at a restaurant, you can enhance you ability to be assertive in other aspects of life.

In most day-to-day situations, you should be able to communicate assertively and confidently. But there may be occasions where acting either aggressively or passively will be the best way to keep safe.

8. Networks

Many people find it difficult to trust others with their feelings, experiences or concerns. Often those most in need of a trusted person to talk with, such as victims of domestic violence or people contemplating suicide, are the most isolated.

It is important to develop a network of people you trust and can contact for advice or assistance in an emergency, of if you feel your personal safety is threatened. They can include relatives, friends, community groups, neighbours and police. A supportive network also increases your confidence and self-esteem and can positively impact on all aspects of your life.

Example: Developing a 'Dealing with the Intimidator' Strategy
An intimidator controls you by making you fear him. He/she does this by using a variety methods like shouting, verbal abuse, accusing, and even threatening physical harm. If you look around and observe the relationships of your friends, relatives, co-workers, etc , you will see that some of them play the role of the intimidator. He/she can use control techniques because they play into your own fears and self doubts.

Your Basic Steps:
1. How to breathe
When you begin to feel scared, or even angry, try this easy breathing exercise:

• Gently and slowly breathe in through the nose, to the count of three
• Hold your breath to the count of six,then
• breathe out through the mouth to the count of six
• hold for three and keep repeating... in for 3, hold for 6, out for 6 & hold for 3.

When you maintain this constant cycle or rhythm of breathing, your awareness is being held on your breathing patterns instead on what the intimidator is doing.

2. Where to look

The intimidators are far less likely to pick on people who don't show them any fear, anger or judgment.


Even if you are feeling scared on the inside, your "Plain Eyes" will show your confidence in such difficult situation.

To show a bully your "Plain Eyes" it it important to keep looking at a special spot on the bad guy which changes depending on how far away they might be which is either on the:

• Top lip of a bad guy when they are on the 'Neutral Zone'
• Bridge of their nose when they are inside the 'Neutral Zone ' or
• Skin of their lower eyelid if you are ever 'eyeball to eyeball' to a bad guy.
  
  
  3. What to say
  
  

  You need to gain an understanding of :

  1. His/her shouting and intimidations represent his/her own unhappiness. By recognizing this, you can understand that he/she 'owns the problem', and it has nothing to do with your actions.

  2.All of us need to overcome our different fears which have their basis in childhood (or in any other periods of our life) when a shouting and threatening parent (or other person) was a real threat for a number of many reasons. Even as full-grown adults, a shouting person may trigger off our subconscious reaction to a 'former similar' we experienced as young, overwhelmed children.

  Let him/her know clearly and strongly that you will no longer give in into his/her shouting and attempts to intimidate you. You can say: "I don't like the way you talk to me. Please stop". Allow him/her to calm down. When he/she calmed down, suggest that the two of you try again to discuss the subject. Let him/her know that you are willing to make compromises if he/she would just express his/her needs, honestly and clearly. Try to remember that he/she is living a life that may not be very satisfying and might welcome an opportunity to change.

  Depending on your's situation you can develop your own 'Dealing with the Intimidator' Strategy as a part of your Personal Safety Plan. We will appreciate if you'll share your thoughts with us.
  
  

  Resources:

  1. NSW The essential guide into adulthood.  www.smarthandbooks.com.au
  2. Be Safe in Your Space , Non-violent self-defence by Gary Simmons

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Domestic Violence and Abuse

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Domestic Violence –it’s Not On

Domestic Violence is not acceptable in any community. We need to address all issues, not only attend to and support the victim’s but also work with the perpetrators to change their offending behaviours. This problem needs a holistic approach otherwise the cycle of violence will continue. We need more programs for men to assist them in change.

If we want change we need to change our methods and to work with both parties, obviously what we have been doing in the past has not worked so we need to find programs that do work and support these. As they say if we keep doing the same thing we get the same results. The Enough is Enough Anti-Violence Movement runs programs for men who want to change and women who want to change their circumstances.

No excuse for violence, says Aboriginal leader

By Adele Horin   
November 23, 2005
The indigenous leader and ALP vice-president, Warren Mundine, has rebuked Aboriginal men for the horrific level of domestic violence in many communities.

He said bashing women was not part of traditional Aboriginal culture, and he was tired of the excuses men made for their behaviour, including blaming alcohol, and problems at home.

"I'm tired of hearing Aboriginal men say they bashed their wife because white fellows took our country," he said yesterday. "Now that really [teaches] the white fellows a lesson."

Mr Mundine is one of dozens of prominent men to be appointed "ambassadors" by UNIFEM, the UN development fund for women, in a campaign to eliminate violence against women. Culminating in White Ribbon Day on Friday, the campaign has featured controversial TV advertising, and is part of the biggest effort by men across the world, in partnership with women, to end domestic violence. Speaking at an event attended by the rugby league players Benji Marshall, Dene Halatau, and Robbie Farrah, Mr Mundine called on Aboriginal men to "stand up and make a difference".

He said he was part of a community where the statistics for domestic violence were "the worst of the worst", with women in some Queensland Aboriginal communities at 24 times the average risk of being raped.

A recent survey of 6600 women by the Australian Institute of Criminology found 10 per cent of Australian women had experienced male physical or sexual violence the previous year, and almost 60 per cent had experienced it over their life-time. A study last year by VicHealth found that for women younger than 45, violence contributed more to their poor health and death than factors such as smoking and obesity.

Mr Mundine said part of the problem was that violence towards women appeared to be acceptable.

Referring to a barbeque he attended in Dubbo a few years ago, he said: "I was talking to some men about domestic violence and what really shocked me was they could suck a beer and eat a sausage sandwich and talk about slapping their wives and girlfriends around as if they were talking about the weather."

Women were the backbone of Aboriginal families, he said, and the communities would suffer if the women were "kicked in the guts day after day".

Another "ambassador," the Catholic Archbishop of Sydney, George Pell, said he had been shocked by statistics that showed reported rates of domestic assault had increased by 50 per cent in NSW over seven years.

Irfan Yusuf, a lawyer and columnist for the Australian Islamic Review, called on imans to cease lecturing "models on what sort of dress they should wear" and instead lecture men on how they should treat women. Terry Melvin, manager of Mensline Australia, a telephone counselling service, said 10 per cent of calls were about violence. Many men identified themselves as perpetrators, concerned about their behaviour.

"It's great to raise community awareness," he said of the Federal government's $20 million 'Australia Says No' media campaign. "But you need comprehensive behaviour change programs on the ground."

This article runs true to my way of thinking. Many times when talking of my experiences, others I speak to have had the same ordeals, which is really sad. I don’t want our next generation experiencing the same.

The movie ‘Once Were Warriors’ was a brilliant movie and actually showed the reality of the more violent Domestic Violence incidents. What others viewed as horrific and unrealistic was something that myself and many of my fellow people witnessed on many occasions, and suffered both as a victim and the child of a victim.

I remember putting the pillow over my head at night and singing to myself to drown out the sound of my Mum being bashed. I tell my Mum’s story now along with my own not to get sympathy as a victim. To thrive on being resilient and lifting myself from that situation and following a positive journey to thrive on helping others. Has enhanced both my own life and the lives of those around me.

by Kimi Alcott, EIE Cultural Coordinator

To keep up to date with our news, new articles and current events connect with us on Twitter, Facebook, and our E-Newsletter.
For information about Enough is Enough Anti Violence Movement visit: www.enoughisenough.org.au

Women's Responses to Partner Violence - Australian Bureau of Statistics

One of the most common forms of violence against women is that perpetrated by a husband or an intimate male partner. Partner violence can affect the physical, mental and reproductive health of those who experience it. Women who experience violence from their partner may respond in different ways. They may feel shame or self-blame, and cope by denying or understanding the seriousness of their situation. They may also report the violence to the police, and/or leave their partner. Some women may leave and return to their partner several times.

Separation
In 2005, 35% (or 28,800) of women who had experienced violence in the previous five years from their current partner had separated from, then returned to their partner at least once. Almost half (46% or 13,300) of these women said that the main reason they initially left was because of the violence.A woman may experience violence from a partner while separated from them. In 2005, one in four (25% or 46,7000) women, who had experienced partner violence and temporarily separated from their partner, reported that they had experienced violence from their partner during the temporary separation.
After ending a violent relationship, some women are stalked by their previous partner. Stalking refers to a range of activities, such as repeatedly waiting outside a person's workplace and/or home. 20% OR 65,3000 of women who had experienced previous partner violence during the last five years had also been stalked by a previous partner during this time.

Looking for a help from the police and /or turn to family, friends, professionals
In response to violence, women may seek help from the police and/or turn to family or friends, or professionals like doctors or counsellors.

The majority 81% or 245,000 of women, whose most recent experience of physical assault during the last five years was by a partner, said that they had told other people, such as family, friends, neighbours or colleagues. Just over a third 36% said they had sought professional help, that is, from a doctor, counsellor, minister or priest.Just 77% or 50,700 of women sexually assaulted said that they had told other people, and 31% had sought professional help. The tow most common main reasons given by women who said in 2005 that the police were not told of the physical assault was that they felt they could deal with it themselves (40%) and fear of their partner (14%).
Almost two-thirds (63% or 71,3000) of women who reported the physical assault to the police said that the partner was not charged.

______________________________________________

There are organisations set up to help people experiencing domestic violence:

If you are in immediate danger, call the police on OOO.

To find your closest source of help, go to: www.justlook.org.au. Click on ‘Take me to the Lifeline Service Finder’. Type ‘domestic violence’ in keywords.Type your suburb/town in ‘location’.

If at this point you just need to talk, Lifeline is happy to talk to callers any time.
Call 131114
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Related articles:
Life with No Violence
Violence in Society
Some Tips for Teenagers Dealing with Conflict and Violence

To keep up to date with our news, new articles and current events connect with us on Twitter, Facebook, and our E-Newsletter.
For information about Enough is Enough Anti Violence Movement visit: www.enoughisenough.org.au