Active Parenting

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults.” Frederick Douglass 

Active Parenting - Parenting with purpose and by example

We live in an increasingly complex world that challenges us every day with a wide range of issues and challenges that can be difficult for children to understand, cope and survive. Children are always looking for proper training and help from their parents. But when it is not made available, children get carried away by other things that happen in the society which may leave a negative impact on their future.

Active Parenting is a term describing a successful parenting strategy relating to adolescents. The main purpose is to raise responsible, cooperative children, who are able to resist negative peer pressure and successfully face the challenges of the 21st century.

What challenges? :
Drug & Alcohol Use
Sexuality (HIV/AIDS)
Violence and Terrorism
Technological Changes
Changing Job Markets
Changing Family and Social Structures
What They See on TV News
Accidents & Disasters
Sickness & Death


It's your responsibility as a parent to prepare your children to become responsible adults and survive in this world without your intervention.

Active Parenting can be learnt by reading articles, books and by attending workshops conducted by many organisations. These organisations conduct programs for active parenting in detail about each aspect of active parenting.
This article will give you guidance in Active Parenting for raising successful and resilient young people.

The Active Parenting Strategy aims to:

1.Use positive discipline techniques to teach responsibility for their actions

2. Build resilience and self-discipline in adolescents to navigate life’s challenges

3. Help to develop cooperation and self-esteem

4. Reinforce adolescent’s courage and inner strength

 5 Building Blocks of Active Parenting

1. Creating and Confirming Boundaries

Yours rules and structure give your child a framework for understanding the world, even if he protests.

The most resilient families develop broad boundaries that help children understand what is expected from them in the home, at school and in the community. These boundaries help children develop values about what is right and wrong. It takes a while for children to have these values internalised. That means that they don’t have to check with an adult if something is right or wrong. They understand why certain rules are in place and why it’s important to follow them. 

Communicating the Boundaries
It could be useful for families to have these principles written up and displayed. Many children will have experience of this in their schools, where school rules are prominently displayed in classrooms. Use a family meeting to explain what the boundaries or family rules will be. Give a short explanation of why they are important (try not to give long lectures).

Think about Consequences
Explain what will happen if boundaries are crossed. Each behaviour must have a consequence that is natural or logical. Many times it is enough to tell them not behave in a particular way without saying much more. Parents can be very creative during this process. The most important thing that children learn is that when they break the rules, something happens that teaches them not to do it again.

Putting in action:
Parents need to set clear expectations for behaviour, establish rules about communicating where and with whom their teenagers are spending their time. By communicating your expectations and consequences, your adolescent cannot claim they “did not know” that you would be upset. These boundaries need to be included in your teenager's internet use.

2. Talk with your kids before everyone else does

Talk with your kids about:
● Safe Sex and Relationships
● Online Safety
● Drugs and Alcohol
● Negative Peer Pressure
● Staying Safe and Risk Taking
● Violence and Protective Behaviour
● What they see on TV News
● HIV/AIDS
● Accidents and Disasters
● Sickness and Death
● Divorce
● Terrorism

3. Develop the Mindset of Resilient Children and Adolescents

“Resilience is the ability to bounce back and keep going in the face of adversity.” Jacque Pollock

Feeling loved, special and appreciated is a cornerstone of a child’s resilient mindset. Resilient children and adolescents are hopeful and posses high self-worth. They learn to solve problems and to view mistakes as experiences from which to learn. They learn to focus on what they have control over rather than on what they can little influence. They set realistic goals and expectations for themselves and those around them.

Accept your children for who they are and not what you want them to be. 

Many children believe that they are accepted and loved only when they do not make mistakes and fail. Become upset that they do not meet standards set by their parents children begin to believe that their mistakes are testimony to their incompetence and must be avoided at all costs.

Putting in action:
When your child makes a mistake or when something doesn’t go right, how does he react and handle the situation?
When some thing ( a plan, a project, a relationship, a situation) does not go the way you want it to go, what is the first question most people ask? WHY ME? This is the wrong question! What happens when you ask the wrong question? Yes! You get the wrong answer and a lot of negative feedback.
What then would be the right question? WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM WHAT JUST HAPPENED? And you get a completely different interpretation back – and a positive lesson can be learnt.

4 principles can guide you in helping your children become comfortable with the role that mistakes play in one’s life:
1. Serve yourself as a model for dealing with mistakes and learning from them with the questions “What can I do differently?”, “What can I do to improve?”
2. Comments to react on mistakes should be free of anger and sarcasm. There not be statements that reinforce a negative mindset such as: Why don’t you use your brain?
3. Mistakes are not only accepted but also expected
4. Mistakes are a natural part of life

Another important factor in developing resilience in children is teaching them to make choices and think about consequences of their choices. Start to provide kids with simple choices at an early age. : Do you want.....or..... for dinner? Do you want wear.... or....? Do you want to play....or...? It is your choice. By providing them with simple choices we are building a solid foundation for problem solving and making decisions.
Helping your kids to find their own strengths and reinforcing each child or adolescent’s “islands of competence" is important factor that help them to understand and Know Who You Are. A strong sense of self is the foundation of personal resilience.

Teach them not define yourself by what someone else thinks about them, but have the right to be Who Are You and Who You Want to BE.

4. Develop Responsibility: Chores or Contributions?

Teaching children to be accountable for their actions and to feel a sense of responsibility is necessary if they are ever to be prepared for adult living.

Robert Brooks, Ph. D, suggests that the most effective says of teaching responsibility and compassion to our kids and youth is to create opportunities for them to help others. By so doing parents communicate the message, ”We believe in you and we believe you have a great deal to offer your world." It is truly one of the most important messages parents can transmit as parents in preparing children for the challenges they will confront in their adult lives.

This message came from his research when he asked adults to describe one of the fondest memories of school, a memory in which a teacher said or did something that enhanced their self-esteem. What do you think was the most common positive memory from this survey? The answer was when a student was asked to contribute in some manner to the school environment.
/”The teacher had me sit and do spelling with the second graders, once I’d shown some ability in this subject.”. “My teacher asked me to tutor a senior who was about to “not graduate” because she was failing English grammar. I was in 10th grade.” What is your “positive memory’? Who was that great teacher? Positive expectations can help develop responsible young people.

Very often the label that we use to describe responsibilities is one that unfortunately is associated with negative connotations. That label is “chores.” Children are often told, “Remember, you must do your chores!” Whatever labels we provide will not erase the negative feelings associated with being asked to do what youngsters consider such unimportant tasks as cleaning one’s room, making the bed, or clearing the table, however , guided by the notion that children wish to help, parents might create an attitude of responsibility what would last a lifetime so that even if children did not always remember to do their chores, we could be assured that they were developing into responsible and compassionate people.

Putting in action:
Ask yourself: “Am I providing opportunities for my children to be helpful and to learn that their actions make a positive difference in the lives of others?”

5. Active Parenting is Empathic Parenting

Empathy, the ability to be aware and understand what another person feels, is first learned at home.

The ability to see the world through your children’s eyes and be empathic is essential for raising emotional healthy kids. Statements like as “You must be feeling angry or sad right now “ telling that you don’t have to agree with everything they do but try to appreciate their point of view as a bridge to begin every communication and as a foundation for them to listen and learn from you. When you interact with your children you should always consider whether you are saying things in a way that will allow them to be receptive to listening to you. If you interrupt. put them down, tell them how they should be feeling or use absolutes such as always or never in a critical way they are likely to become angry and tune you out.


Emotional ownership is a key part of Empathic Parenting. This means that I am responsible for my own emotions; no-one else controls how I feel. This also means I allow and teach my child to own his emotions by not trying to control how he feels. Empathy means showing understanding and support for his right to have his emotions and not trying to change them.

Putting in action:
Saying to your child, ”I know that you’re upset that the toy is gone” is an empathic statement that is not judgmental, thereby lessening the probability that your child will become defensive. Telling them “ I told you so” or punishing them is likely to lead to anger rather than learning. Buying them a new toy is also counterproductive since it does not permit them to experience the consequences of their behaviour. If children do not realize that there are consequences to their actions, they will have difficulty developing self-discipline.

Resources:

National Strategy for Young Australians

Teaching your child empathic awareness by Denise Seastrunk

25 Nonviolent discipline options by Pam Kemp

Raising a Self Disciplined Child by Dr. Robert Brooks, Ph.D

Raising Resilient Children and Adolescents by Dr. Robert Brooks, Ph. D

Child Protective Behaviours

Protective behaviours can make a real difference in helping to keep your child safe, especially in combination with a positive parent-child relationship, good communication and appropriate supervision.

How does child abuse happen?

Child abuse happens when a person uses their power or authority to take advantage of a child’s trust, and involve them in an activity that is harmful to them. This may be physical or emotional harm, or it may involve sexual activity. Irrespective of the type of harm, it is important that children are protected. You can help protect your child by teaching them protective behaviours, or in other words, how to keep safe.

When should I start talking to my child about protective behaviours?

From a young age children inevitable spend increasing periods of time outside the direct supervision of their parents – for example, at child care, at school, with extended family, friends and neighbours. As soon as children can name their body parts and begin to understand and name feelings, parents can introduce the idea of protective behaviours.

At 3 years of age children are able to say NO and tell a parent if something has happened which has made them feel scared or uncomfortable. As children grow older more information can be given to them to help them keep safe. This is a process that can continue right through adolescence.

Protective behaviours are ideas that parents and carers need to talk about with children over time, gradually adding more detail and discussion of this topic as children grow older.

How do I talk to my child about protective behaviours?

You may wish to introduce the subject by reading an appropriate picture and story with them, even at pre-school or primary school age.

Day to day situations with your child also provide many opportunities for teaching new skills, such as when there is something relevant on TV or in a story, or during bath time or dressing.

Discussing road and water safety can be a good starting point to talk about other types of safety, such as personal safety.

There are also many general conversations in which to do this, such as when talking about body parts or sexuality issues, other adults in a supervisory role, or any problem involving new experiences or a degree of risk – for example bullying, teasing, situations that provoke anxiety or fear, or staying over at a friend’s house.

What does my child need to keep safe?

1. Children need to know what it means to feel safe

Talk to your child about what it means to feel safe. What does your child think of when they say the word “safe”. Ask your child what sorts of situations do they feel safe in and what sorts of situations they might feel scared in. Think back to your own childhood and give age appropriate examples to your child about situations you felt safe or unsafe.

2. Children need to be able to name and trust their feelings

Help your child to name their feelings, e.g. when they feel happy, sad, angry. When your child has a feeling encourage them to describe what is happening to their body at that time. Discuss with your child what is happening to their five senses when they feel safe i.e. their sense of touch, smell, sight, taste, sound. Ask them to tell you how their body feels when they are frightened, e.g. they might feel funny in the tummy, their knees might shake, they might get a headache or start to perspire, or they might feel like running away.

You can help your child to identify situations in which it is fun to feel a little scared (such as during a scary movie), or when feeling scared is uncomfortable (such as when somebody hurts or teases them), and situations where they feel safe and comfortable (such as when they are signing songs or watching a funny TV show). This process helps children to identify their feelings.

3. Children need to know that it is OK to express their feelings

It is important that children are encouraged to express their feelings, even those feelings which may make others feel uncomfortable. A child who is always told to “shut-up and stop crying” learns that their feelings do not matter. A child who has the confidence and opportunity to express their feelings is in a much better position to keep themselves safe.

You can help your child to express their feelings by listening to them, accepting and understanding their feelings, and by being someone who shares their own feelings.

Encourage them to say NO when situations make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It may not always be possible for a child to say No because of fear or threat of violence. When teaching children to say no, let them know that they must seek help later by telling a responsible adult.

4. Teach children about their bodies

Talk to children about the names of their body parts, including private parts. Tell them the proper names as well as the more commonly used terms. Bath time is a good opportunity to do this, and to explain that their bodies are their own and nobody should touch them in a way that makes them feel confused or uncomfortable. Let children know that it is not OK for others to touch their private parts, unless someone is helping them with toileting or at the doctors.

5. Good touches / bad touches

Introduce ideas about good and bad touches by talking about how nice a hug or kiss can be. Explain that people often show they care about or love someone by touching them.

Children often touch pets to show them how they feel. Talking about pets can be useful example to use to talk about the likes and dislikes a pet might have when they are touched in different ways.

You can also ask your child about the kinds of touches they like and dislike , e.g. being tickled. When talking to young children about tickling, help them to understand that something might be fun at first, but they are right to say NO when it is not fun for them anymore.

6. Sometimes adults do things that are not OK..

Explain to children that sometimes even people who are good do things that are not OK.

7. Talk to children about good secrets and bad secrets

People who abuse children often depend upon the child to keep secrets. It is important to teach children to say No to this request.

In some families, children are taught to keep surprises but not to keep secrets. A surprise is information that will eventually be shared, such as a present or party.

Another idea is to teach children the difference between good and bad secrets. Children should always tell a trusted adult if anyone asks them to keep a secret about things that make them feel embarrassed, or uncomfortable.

8. Talk to children about “tricks”

Explain that sometimes people may try to trick children into doing things they don’t like, by offering presents, money, or sweets. Teach your child to say they need to ask mum or dad first, and then leave to get help. Your child should be encouraged to tell you if someone tries to trick them.

9. Encourage your child to tell someone they trust if they don’t feel safe

Assure them that there is nothing they can’t talk about it with someone they trust, no matter how awful it seems. While parents hope that their child will talk to them if something happens, they may not always be available to help straight away. Help your child to develop a network of trusted adults whom they can talk to if they are feeling unsafe or worried by a problem. Make sure these adults are aware of their role.

Explain to your child that sometimes the adult they tell may not understand or may say “Don’t be silly”. Reassure them that they should keep on telling until someone does believe them and does something to help.

10. Practice how your child might respond

You and your child can practice what to do in possible risky situations, e.g. if they were locked out of home; if mum or dad were late picking them up from school; if somebody at school started to bully them; if someone approached them in the park. Make sure that your child includes a response which involves telling an adult.

11. What about overnight visits?

Be sensible about knowing who is looking after your child. Meet their friend’s parents and other adults who may be in the home. Encourage children to talk about how their time was after they’ve been away from your care. Try to make sure that your child is always supervised well, as this helps to prevent unsafe situations.

Remember:

• Teach your child to memorise their name, address and phone number
• Teach your child about dialling 000 in emergency situations. Provide them with a phone card or coins and teach them how to use a public and private telephone
• Encourage respect for privacy with your child’s bodies and their bedrooms.
• Find out if there is a Protective Behaviours Program at your child’s school. Be ready to answer any questions!
• Help your child to feel good about themselves – this makes them much less vulnerable

Useful Number:

Enough is Enough Anti Violence Counselling Services: 02 9542 4029

Parent Line: 1300 1300 52

Department of Community Services: 13 21 11

Police: 000

Enough is Enough thanks for this article Parent Line Australia.

Protecting Yourself - Your Personal Safety Plan

"Protecting yourself" is not isolated to warding off violent attacks. The benefits of self-defence training include protecting your physical health, your mental health and your emotional well-being.

It is important to be aware of and exercise your right to safety. Unfortunately, it is not a perfect world and your personal safety may be threatened. It’s a good idea to follow safety strategies so you are able to deal in a range of situations which we may find ourselves everyday as well as possible abusive, violence and bullying situations. It is also important that you acknowledge and respect that all people have the right to safety.

Everyone should have their own Personal Safety Plan. It consists of safety strategies you choose to suit your own lifestyle and abilities. The more you follow them and know that they work, the more they will become habits. It should not involve succumbing to a list of rules provided by another person.

The next 8 Core Concepts of Personal Safety which will help you develop your Personal Safety Plan .

1. Keep fear of violence in perspective

Many people have a fear of violent crime that is wildly disproportionate to its reality. This fear often results in unnecessary limitations being placed on your lifestyle. Education is the key to putting this fear into perspective. If you know the trends associated with personal violence offences, such as how often, when, where they occur and by whom, you can work out how likely it is that you would become a victim, and in what circumstances. If you follow practical safety strategies you can significantly minimise these risks.

This way, preventative strategies are based on the actual risk, rather than restricting your lifestyle based on an exaggerated fear.

2. Commitment

Being committed to your personal safety is fundamental to maintaining it. Many people have a strong commitment to keeping their loved ones safe, and are willing to do anything to protect them, but don’t have the same level of commitment to their own safety. Value yourself and keep yourself safe, by making safety strategies a part of your lifestyle.

3. Confidence

Confidence is a valuable tool in all you do. In the context of personal safety, having and displaying confidence plays a vital role. Offenders target people they see as vulnerable and the ones who would offer them the least resistance. So that vast majority of threats can be deterred if you appear to be confident and self-assured. A confident person is more likely to identify and implement preventative safety strategies; to have faith in their own abilities; and to take action if their personal safety is threatened. A person without confidence tends to be too scared to go out, diminishing their quality of life.

Having confidence is a source of power. And remember – if you don’t feel confident in any situation, fake it! Often visual imagery is a technique you can use to help you act sensibly under pressure. This means imagining yourself in a situation where you are using safety strategies successfully.

4. Body language

Body language is a powerful tool that you can use to your advantage. By appearing confident and comfortable in your surroundings, you decrease your attractiveness to potential offenders.

Strong, confident body language includes standing tall with your head up, shoulders back and walking with a purpose. Making brief eye contact with passers-by is also an effective method of demonstrating that you are not intimidated.

5. Awareness of surroundings

Being aware of what is happening around you will alert you to possible threats to your safety, before they reach you. This gives you the opportunity to remove yourself from the situation.

The key is to look relaxed and comfortable, rather than paranoid, thereby appearing “streetwise”. This decreases the likelihood of being targeted as a potential victim.

6. Trusting and acting on instincts

Your body senses danger long before your mind consciously works out why. It is vital you listen to, trust, and act on these instincts.

If you do sense danger or pick up “bad vibes” from someone, something or some place, leave immediately and go to a place where you feel safe.

7. Assertiveness

Assertive communication allows people to express their points of view objectively to reach an agreeable solution. It does not involve backing down (being passive) or standing over someone (being aggressive).

Assertive behaviour does not come naturally to most people. However, by practising assertiveness in handling minor matters, such as advising a shop assistant if you have been short-changed or sending back unsatisfactory food at a restaurant, you can enhance you ability to be assertive in other aspects of life.

In most day-to-day situations, you should be able to communicate assertively and confidently. But there may be occasions where acting either aggressively or passively will be the best way to keep safe.

8. Networks

Many people find it difficult to trust others with their feelings, experiences or concerns. Often those most in need of a trusted person to talk with, such as victims of domestic violence or people contemplating suicide, are the most isolated.

It is important to develop a network of people you trust and can contact for advice or assistance in an emergency, of if you feel your personal safety is threatened. They can include relatives, friends, community groups, neighbours and police. A supportive network also increases your confidence and self-esteem and can positively impact on all aspects of your life.

Example: Developing a 'Dealing with the Intimidator' Strategy
An intimidator controls you by making you fear him. He/she does this by using a variety methods like shouting, verbal abuse, accusing, and even threatening physical harm. If you look around and observe the relationships of your friends, relatives, co-workers, etc , you will see that some of them play the role of the intimidator. He/she can use control techniques because they play into your own fears and self doubts.

Your Basic Steps:
1. How to breathe
When you begin to feel scared, or even angry, try this easy breathing exercise:

• Gently and slowly breathe in through the nose, to the count of three
• Hold your breath to the count of six,then
• breathe out through the mouth to the count of six
• hold for three and keep repeating... in for 3, hold for 6, out for 6 & hold for 3.

When you maintain this constant cycle or rhythm of breathing, your awareness is being held on your breathing patterns instead on what the intimidator is doing.

2. Where to look

The intimidators are far less likely to pick on people who don't show them any fear, anger or judgment.


Even if you are feeling scared on the inside, your "Plain Eyes" will show your confidence in such difficult situation.

To show a bully your "Plain Eyes" it it important to keep looking at a special spot on the bad guy which changes depending on how far away they might be which is either on the:

• Top lip of a bad guy when they are on the 'Neutral Zone'
• Bridge of their nose when they are inside the 'Neutral Zone ' or
• Skin of their lower eyelid if you are ever 'eyeball to eyeball' to a bad guy.
  
  
  3. What to say
  
  

  You need to gain an understanding of :

  1. His/her shouting and intimidations represent his/her own unhappiness. By recognizing this, you can understand that he/she 'owns the problem', and it has nothing to do with your actions.

  2.All of us need to overcome our different fears which have their basis in childhood (or in any other periods of our life) when a shouting and threatening parent (or other person) was a real threat for a number of many reasons. Even as full-grown adults, a shouting person may trigger off our subconscious reaction to a 'former similar' we experienced as young, overwhelmed children.

  Let him/her know clearly and strongly that you will no longer give in into his/her shouting and attempts to intimidate you. You can say: "I don't like the way you talk to me. Please stop". Allow him/her to calm down. When he/she calmed down, suggest that the two of you try again to discuss the subject. Let him/her know that you are willing to make compromises if he/she would just express his/her needs, honestly and clearly. Try to remember that he/she is living a life that may not be very satisfying and might welcome an opportunity to change.

  Depending on your's situation you can develop your own 'Dealing with the Intimidator' Strategy as a part of your Personal Safety Plan. We will appreciate if you'll share your thoughts with us.
  
  

  Resources:

  1. NSW The essential guide into adulthood.  www.smarthandbooks.com.au
  2. Be Safe in Your Space , Non-violent self-defence by Gary Simmons

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