Anger Management Using Active Listening Techniques

Communication is the greatest tool we have as human beings to deal with any situation

Anger – one letter short of Danger

Everyone has been angry and knows what anger is. We get angry when our expectations are not met – whether those expectations are about themselves, or about others. When our expectations are unmet, we revert to illusions of control, “unrealistically expecting all people to behave and all situations to turn out as we think they should”. Anger often leads us to blame others and shift aggression towards them.

Aggression is sometimes the appropriate response to anger, as it allows us to protect ourselves and things that are important for us from harm. However, in case of overreacting, our anger can get out of control and become destructive and damaging. In this state of rage, the individual can become a danger to themselves or to others. Even the nicest people who do not see themselves as violent and would never anticipate hurting others are capable of the most awful acts if they allow themselves to become overwhelmed with rage. In fact, this is obviously what is meant by the term "losing control of one's self."

Your anger is a natural response to certain threats. If you would like learn how to control your anger, you need to learn what triggers it in you and how anger affects you. There are many techniques to help you to handle your anger once you learn to recognize it and catch it early on.

Please check yourself:

□  Do you ever find yourself in a highly intense argument or an extremely tense situation with another person when your uncontrolled anger leads you to become extremely aggressive and even violent, to the point of no logic or reason? 

□  Do you often find yourself jumping to conclusions or to be overly critical during a heated argument? 

□  Do you control your anger or does your anger control you when you start angrily defending yourself, interrupting the other person instead listening to the other person’s side? 

If you answered Yes at least once, we suggest you to learn and practice Active Listening Skills as an Anger Management Technique to help you manage your anger through improving your communication skills.

Communication doesn’t always have to mean being able to talk about one’s feelings openly – it also means being able to listen intently to others. And listening is of great importance when trying to keep your anger at bay.

Active listening is a two-way process that involves listening and responding in an empathic way, combined with the right questioning and summarizing techniques. It involves the receiver (the listener) with the sender (the speaker). The receiver in active listening process is as active as the sender.

Active listening techniques will help you to understand the message the other person is trying to convey, including the unspoken message, meanings and feelings. Using active listening skills, you will avoid jumping to conclusions and overreacting, so you will be able to handle and control your own possible anger. 

Building Active Listening Skills

Step 1: Understanding what is not Active Listening

Remember 5 Don’ts of Listening that can cause the anger reaction during communication:

A      Silent listening

N     Interruptions and not allowing the speaker to complete his or her thought

G     Critical response and teaching – a response that expresses a form of  criticism resulting from a natural tendency to judge, approve, or disapprove of a message received

E     Advising. It should be given when requested.

      Before offering advice , make sure:

• that other person really wants to hear your suggestions
• the other person is ready to accept it
• your advice is correct
• that receiver won’t blame you if advice doesn’t work

R    Changing the subject or moving in a new direction during conversation

Step 2: Understanding Questioning during Active Listening

During active listening we ask for additional information to get a clear understanding before responding.

Questioning in active listening skills is more about the quality of the question.

Only one question should be asked at a time and, if necessary, unclear responses should be played back to check understanding. If there is something you do not understand, then ask your partner to rephrase, restate, or repeat the statement.

The two main approaches are to use open and probe questions.

Open questions are general not specific. They provide room for people to decide how they should be answered and encourage them to talk freely.
Open questions help to create an atmosphere of calm, for example:

● What do you feel about that?

● Tell me, why do you think that happened?

● Tell me, how did you handle that situation? 

Probe questions seek specific information on what has happened and why. They can:

● show interest and encouragement: “I see, and then what?”

● seek further information by asking “Why?” or “Why not?” or “ What do you mean?”

● reflect views: “Have I got the right impression, do you feel that..?”

Combine your questioning skills with body language because it will communicate an interest towards your partner. Make good eye contact. Face your partner and show the person you are their primary concern.

Step 3: Understanding Summarizing Technique

Summarizing involves rephrasing what the person has said in your own words.

The secret here is “in your own words” and without adding any justification or interpretation. 

Summarizing is a great technique because it develops a connection and builds intimacy in your relationship. The other person hears your summary of what he or she said and knows you understand or will then restate what you do misunderstand.

Here are some examples:

Paraphrase back what the other person has said with phrases such as:

● ” What I hear you saying is...” OR You can use a phrase like the following:

"I'm going to repeat in my own words what I just heard you say to make sure that I understand what you're saying. Please correct me if I misinterpret anything you've said."

● When someone criticizes you, refrain from reacting defensively using the next steps:

1. Hear them out, wait until she or he finish, look for a core of truth in what they’re saying

2. Agree with that using summarizing technique: “It is true that I leave my clothes on the floor.”

3. If you do not agree with another’s person’s point of view, acknowledge nojudgmentally that your view is different from theirs: “But I disagree with you when you say...”

When someone is speaking, wait until she or he finished before you begin to speak

Step 4: Empathizing (empathic listening and empathic response)

Empathizing identifies with speaker’s emotions and opinions. Through empathic listening the listener lets the speaker know,

“I understand your problem and how you feel about it, I am interested in what you are saying and I am not judging you.”

The listener conveys this message through words and non-verbal behaviours, including body language. The listener encourages the speaker to fully express herself or himself free of interruption, criticism or being told what to do. Empathic listening requires an actual acceptance of the speaker’s feelings, no matter how different they may be from the listener’s. 


Acceptance does not mean agreement; it does not mean the listener has to agree. It simply means showing personal acceptance and concern for the speaker’s point of view:

“I understand you and I am interested in being a resource to help you resolve this problem.”

Here is some examples of empathic responses:

● Use of brief responses like “ I see”, “Wow”, “OUCH”, “My Goodness”

● “ I can see that really hurts”

● “I know how important that was to you”

● “ I think I’ve felt that way too”

Responses like the following are not empathic responses:

“Don’t worry about it”

“It’s nothing to get so upset about”

“That is a silly way to feel”

Step 5: Practice with your partner!

Active listening does not come naturally – it is a learned skill. 


It is an active process that must be practiced and practiced. Mastering the art of active listening is similar to mastering the art of driving a car. In the beginning you learned the necessary skills, but you still really have to concentrate on every aspect of doing it, and continuing practice, driving becomes your second nature.

Exercise:

1. Find a subject on which you and your partner seem to disagree – a moral issue, philosophical or personal task 

2. A makes a statement, B paraphrases the idea and feedback to A (only what B has heard without adding any interpretation or justification) 

3. A responds to B whether the response was accurate or what change needs to be done 

4. B then summarised the revised statement or uses right questions for clarifying information, again check till B and A understands correctly 

5. B and A can reverse role and repeat the process 

Conclusion:

How do A and B feel? Is there A greater understanding? Do they feel better? How such techniques can be helpful in life?

We would like to finish this article with the quote by David Roush, National Juveline Detention Association, which states that active listening may not just clarify thinking and provide a necessary emotional release, but facilitates problem - solving :

"When in doubt about what to do, use active listening."

Resources:

Controlling Anger: Tips, Techniques, and Resources , http://www.squidoo.com/anger-management-resources#module46941432

Consequences Of Anger, by Swami Sivananda

Rage and Its Consequences, by Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

Guidelines for Empathic Listening by Richard Salem

Manage your Anger by Learning to Communicate Better, http://www.angermanagementstrategies.com/Learning-Better-Communication-Techniques.html

Roush, D.W. (1996) Desktop guide to good juvenile detention practice. National Juvenile Detention Association. pp.133-134

Dealing with Anger

In dealing with anger two positions are usually taken, neither of which work:

1. Passive non-resistant when others treat you unfairly. This is meaningless false humility, and often encourages the other person to treat you that way.

2. Freely venting anger, when this is done it encourages others to also be angry and respond with resentment.

What to do instead?

We need to be encouraged to take personal inventory, responsibility, and ownership of our anger.

BE ASSERTIVE!

• Respect yourself and others (Treat others like you want to be treated)

• Be honest about your feelings to yourself and don’t hide them from others

• Deal with facts (Don’t dwell in the past)

• Focus on your goals

• Look for common ground and the solution and be willing to negotiate

By Kimi Alcott, taken from Enough is Enough “Promise Keeper” program

Related articles:

Anger Management Using the Compliment Sandwich

Anger Management and Violent Behaviour

How to Handle Difficult People - It's Your Choice!

How to Handle Difficult People - It's Your Choice!

How to end the emotional tug-of-war?
How to confront and handle difficult, irrational, or abusive people?

We all know people we would describe as ‘difficult’. They are everywhere around us – in our home, at the office, in clubs. Difficult people can range from mildly irritating to the totally impossible to deal with. What makes them difficult is their problem behaviour. 

They have a way of bringing us down to get the results they want. 

Our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct: react and attack back to defend ourselves. We may lose track of our higher selves, our intelligence and our ability to control our responses. Waiting and worrying, the other common “solution”, also allows the problem to get worse while giving you stress.

“Individuals behave in a difficult manner because they have learned that doing so keeps others off balance and incapable of effective action,” says Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D, author of Coping with Difficult People.

While we cannot avoid crossing paths with difficult people – we can learn how to cope with difficult people.

Step 1: Define the nature of difficult behaviour

Begin by examining that specific behaviour and its context. Clarify the problem by asking yourself the following questions:

Why do I feel uncomfortable and frustrated?

What exactly is happening?

Why does it happen?

Every behaviour has a purpose. People do what they do based on what seems to be most important for any given moment. Try to explore why your counterpart is behaving in such a fashion.

Evaluate if their behaviour is:

1. Simply their personality style (controlling behaviour, seeks approval behaviour, seeks attention behaviour, perfectionist)

2. A cultural tendency

3. A specific tactic they are using to intimidate you

4. Due to something that recently happened in their life

To make it easier for you to understand some more common difficult personality types and their behaviour styles , we are providing below the Dr. Bramson’s  classification of seven common types of difficult people.

1. Openly Aggressive People

These people are the bullies who are often abusive and intimidating. They believe their “victims” are weak and deserve the treatment they give them. They are therefore stimulated by signs of weakness. There are three subtypes in this group.


Sherman Tank
Attack not just your idea or project, but you personally as well
Confrontational, pointed and angry
The ultimate in pushy behaviour


Snipers
Feel very strongly about how others should think and act
Rude comments, biting sarcasm
Attempts to make you look foolish


Exploder
After initial calm, explodes into uncontrolled ranting and raving

2. Complainers

● Feel overwhelmed by an unfair world

● Bring their problems to you

Complainers find fault with everything. These are fearful people who have little faith in themselves and others because they believe in a hostile world. 


It can be difficult to recognize a true Complainer. They are skilled at starting problems in such a critical manner that it is hard to separate real problems from complaints. And people around them become defensive because they know the Complainer will be the first to blame them if something goes wrong. 


Complainers themselves feel powerless to correct the situations they complain about. Relying on others to fix the problem perpetuates their own belief that they are without blame or fault.

To help you If you can find out why your counterpart is behaving in a certain way, your best approach may become clear.

3. Clams

● No verbal feedback

● No non-verbal feedback

● Nothing

These people react to questions you have posed, controversial statements you have made, and indeed any situation they deem disagreeable, by clamming up. Just when you want a response, they may grunt, give a no or yes or more likely say nothing. 


It is difficult to discern a Clam from a quiet person. However, quiet people are not likely to avoid direct questions, whereas Clams are. For instance, you have asked a colleague to not park so close to your car in the company parking lot. A Clam will say nothing. A quiet person will at least respond in some way.


 The biggest problem in dealing with Clams is you don’t know what the silence or lack of response means.

4. Super – Agreeables

What is so difficult about communicating with someone who is always pleasant and supportive of your ideas ? Nothing, until you want that person to do something for you. 


Super-Agreeables want to be liked and accepted by everyone, so to achieve this they are outgoing, sociable and very personable. However, the danger here is they will agree with you about one thing and then agree with the next person whose ideas are contrary to yours. At work, the Super-Agreeable will volunteer to do every job and get none of them done.

5. “NO Person”

● Able to defeat big ideas with a single syllable

● Deadly to morale

6. “Know –it-All”

● Has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction

7.” Maybe Person”

● Procrastinates in hope that a better choice will present itself

Indecisives, or Maybe Persons , are very helpful people; however, they put off making decisions which might upset someone. The serious problem here is that indecisiveness can work – most unmade decisions become irrelevant through time. For them , not making a decision is a compromise between being honest and not hurting someone.

Once you’ve thought about the situation and identified the specific types of behaviour that bother you, you’ll probably want to go on to qualifying your acceptance of the behaviour by evaluating its positive and negative effects.

Step 2: Qualifying

Understanding the motives and reasons for problem behaviour makes solving the problem much easier. Before you act, pay attention to the effects of the behaviour. Once you know how the behaviour fits into your life, and how severe the effects are, you may decide that you are willing to accept the behavour. However, most people who encounter inconsiderate behaviour usually want to modify some aspect of the situation.

Here is What Doesn’t Work: 

1. Sending solutions

Common phrases that indicate solving include: “Stop doing.. and start...”, “What if you...”, “Why don’t you..” Telling people what to do does not work. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away from you and your suggestion. 

2. Moralizing

Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should..”, “It would be good for you to..”, “Stop doing wrong..” 

3. Complaints

“I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” If you complain, you are the difficult person. You become no better than the person you try to change. 

4. Criticism

People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get things done.” Avoid criticism because it intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel unworthy and less important.

Step 3: Strategies to manage difficult behaviours

Generally, to deal with any type of difficult behaviour you have 4 choices:

1st Choice: Stay and do nothing

2nd Choice: Remove the person from your life

3rd Choice: Change your behaviour

4th Choice: Change your attitude

1st Choice: Stay and do nothing

Ask yourself two questions:

“If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?”

“If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?”

Answering these questions often ads perspective to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
Some people react to difficult people by accepting their behaviour. They often find confrontation unpleasant and would prefer to overlook the matter completely. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict. If this will not make you to feel like a victim, it can be your choice.

2nd Choice: Remove the person from your life

Start with listing out things in your life most important to you. 

Then ask yourself:, “Will a communication with this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”.

Sometimes it’s the best option. If your landlord is really bad, consider moving. If your boss or co-workers are terrible, leave. 

Eleanor Reesevelt said,” You are nobody’s victim without your permission.”

3rd Choice: Change your behaviour

Difficult people have learned, often from childhood that being difficult puts other people at a disadvantage. It’s that disadvantage they count on to get the results they want. 

Possibly the most critical thing you need remember is not to let difficult people get the upper hand – remain on an equal basis with them. If you will change the way you deal with people and they will need to learn new ways to deal with you.

We highly recommend reading:
Active Listening as an Anger Managment Technique

Once you ‘ve clarified the issue and understand the details of the problem behaviour and its causes, you will be able to take charge of an unpleasant situation and redirect its result.

Here is some strategies to cope with some common types of difficult people:

Sherman Tank: 

Your new behaviour: assertive , polite, professional  
Your goal: assertively express your own views, not try to win a battle of right and wrong.

The most important aspect of coping with Sherman Tanks is to stand up for yourself, don’t fight and turn the Tank into a constructive discussion. Openly aggressive people expect others to either run away from them or react with rage.  

It is important to make your difference of opinion known and understood. Throughout the attack, in whatever form it takes, continue to reassert that your opinion differs and why.  

You may have to interrupt Sherman Tanks to get into the conversation because they are not likely to pause to giver you the chance. To get their attention, say their name in a loud, clear voice. 

Present your own point of view, in an assertive fashion, by using phrases such as “In my opinion...”; “I disagree with you...”.
In this way , you are not telling the Sherman Tank what to do, but rather you are expressing your opinions. 

Avoid public situations where the Tank’s pride demands victory at all costs. If possible, invite him aside for a private chat. Don’t be surprised if you only gain trust and respect from a Sherman Tank after you start standing up for yourself.

Snipers:

Your new behaviour: assertive , polite, professional

Your goal: to give them an alternative to a direct conflict by asking questions rather than making statements

Snipers, like Sherman Tanks, feel very strongly about how others should think and act.
The first step in coping with Snipers is to force them out into the open. Ask questions like, “That sounded like a dig. Was it?”. Then, if your Sniper responds by ridiculing you even further, say something like,” Sounds like you are ridiculing me. Are you?”; “ That sounds like you are making fun of me. Are you?”. A sniper usually replies to such accusations with denial,” I am only joking.”

By asking the questions, you have stood up to the Sniper and are ready to take the next step towards coping.  

Don’t agree with the Sniper’s criticisms. Try to discover the real problem and deal with it. Remember, that questioning covert attacks will reduce the chance for similar attacks in the future.

Exploders:

Your new behaviour: assertive , patient , polite, professional

Your goal: to wait for the person to run out of some steam, then assert your own opinions with confidence

To cope with an Exploder, wait for the outburst to come to an end. It is common for Exploders to suddenly realize where they are and what they are doing and then to quiet very quickly. But, if there doesn’t seem to be an imminent pause in the explosion, you should try to bring it to a close. Try saying “Right, Right!” “Wait a minute” or “Yes. Yes!” with enough loudness that they can hear. Suddenly standing up may also catch their attention long enough to break the tantrum.
Once Exploders have settled down, make sure they know you take them seriously by saying things like “ I can see this is very important to you and I would like to talk about it, but not like this.’

Complainers:

Your new behaviour: cooperative with optimism

Your goal: to help with to see the other side of the situation

The one successful way of coping with Complainers is to help them take a problem – solving perspective toward their complaints.

The first step is to listen to their complaints. Then acknowledge what they are saying by repeating it back to them, and you may have to interrupt them to do this. As you acknowledge, use specific examples to avoid words like never and always – two of the Complainer’s favourites.

Don’t agree with the Complainer, and there is a difference between acknowledge and agree. Agreeing with the Complainer is admitting your role in the problems. You are validating the belief that they are blameless and the responsibility is all yours.

Now, move quickly into problem-solving. Ask the Complainer questions to help identify the real source of the problem. Help the Complainer to see the other side of the situation.

Silent People:

Your new behaviour: cooperative

Your goal: to get them to talk

Ask them questions that can’t be answered with just a “Yes” or “no”, such as, “Why is it uncomfortable for you to answer my questions?”; “How do you feel about this?” or “What are your ideas?”. Then wait at least one full minute before you say anything. This long silence may make them uncomfortable enough to say something.

To stop yourself from jumping in with more conversation, be to the point and say something like”I expected you to say something, and you are not. What does that mean?(another open-ended question).

If you are still at an impasse, begin to give your thoughts, observations or ideas on the matter and once again, end with an open-ended question. Be prepared at this point, to hear something like “Can I go now?” from them. “Not yet, I still have some other things on my mind”, is a good response. Using the following statements or questions may help the silent people to get started.

“You look distressed.”; “ Don’t worry about starting at the beginning. What’s on your mind right now?”. If and when they do start talking, listen carefully.

Negativists:

Your new behaviour: cooperative, task focus

Your goal: to avoid getting drawn in to their negativity and stay with your own action plan

Negativists are extremely pessimistic and more bitter than complainers. Usually, they feel defeated or powerless in regard to the situation. And the more you try to solve a problem or improve a situation, the more negative they become.

When coping with Negativists, don’t try to persuade them out of their pessimism. State your own realistic optimism but don’t argue with their point of view. If a new idea is being considered, quickly point out the possible negative repercussions yourself and then include the Negativist in the discussion which you are leading. If it seems impossible to get the Negativist seeing things your way, then you may have to take action on your own and simply announce your plans to the Negativist.

Know-it-alls:

Your new behaviour: assertive

Your goal: to be aware for their behaviour in yourself

When dealing with a think-they-know-it-all, state the facts as an alternative version. Offering an alternative version will give them a way out while still looking smart and important.

Ask question to introduce the possible alternatives, “I realize this may not be what we will be doing , but could we consider this...”. At some point in the conversation , they will realize you are an expert and will panic. Allow them to save themselves from embarrassment.

4th Choice: Change your attitude about the person

Change your attitude will set you free from your reaction to the problem you see in their behaviour. You need to learn to see them differently, listen to them differently and feel differently around them.

Always remember that people who irritate us usually have something to show us about ourselves. For example, being around your chronically late friend can remind you how quick-tempered and impatient you can be. 

Ask yourself “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”. 

Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect and you will feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life – regardless of whether you successfully handle the situation.

Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree you are a victim of someone’s behaviour controls the impact it has on you. Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your emotional state at will.

Remember:

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it!

Resources:

1. Dealing with Difficult People

http://www.theelearningcenter.com/detail/dealing_with_difficult_people_series

2.  Coping with Difficult People, Dr Robert Bramson, 2006 NSBA Convention

3. Dealing with People You  Can't Stand, Dr Rick Brinkman & Dr Rick Kirschner, 2006 NSBA Convention

4. Working with Difficult People, Greg McKenzie, Oregan School Boards Association

5. Winton Goodrich, Vermont School Boards Association, 2006 Federation Trainers Conference

Guided Self Empowerment Meditation for the Victims of Domestic Violence

Uncover your inner strength with our new Self Empowerment Meditation. With the beautiful voice of Kimi Alcott, our presenter, great relaxing music by Chris Spheeris and ideas from Robert Brooks PH.D, the author of the Power of Resilience you can achieve inner strength and the ability to be resilient in handling the challenges and stresses of life.

 

Mindfulness as a Practice

Mindfulness meditation is a way of paying attention to your life, on purpose, in the present moment in a non attached way. By observing, non judging or analysing thoughts and feelings, allowing them to ‘come’ and ‘go’ as they come and go. Mindfulness is an intentional way of ‘being’ in life. The present moment is emphasised – the past is in the past and the only influence we can have over the future is to live fully and consciously in the ‘now’.

Being mindful allows us to be aware of important feelings and other problems that interfere with the daily management of life’s difficulties – this then allows us to make conscious effective decisions about life challenges. The opposite of mindfulness is ‘mindlessness’ where our thoughts and actions can limit our conscious decisions.

Mindfulness Creates Awareness

What happens when we are not being aware?

• Denial

• Repeating negative mistakes

• Feeling powerless

• Feeling anger

• Internal conflict

• Feeling paralysed

What happens when we are aware?

• We can identify problems

• We can take positive steps to help ourselves

• We are not overwhelmed by intense horrible feelings and emotions

• We become aware of negative automatic responses in behaviour and thinking

• We participate fully and consciously in our life

• We are able to focus on one thing at a time

When we are mindful we are letting go of trying to control, avoid or suppress negative thoughts or feelings by observing our experience in a different way.

This way of being takes practice and is different to other forms of mediation whereby you are ‘taking yourself away’ from thoughts and feelings by using relaxation techniques, positive thinking, or visualising something nice.

This way of being is about discovering what is going on in your mind, of becoming aware of your inner thoughts and being able to ‘be’ with them – this awareness helps stop rumination, going over past negative situations and over analysing intrusive thoughts and feelings.

Mindfulness takes patience and practice and takes time to develop, it is more a way of being than something you sit and do. Over time you will develop new habits and develop new skills to break free from limiting or unhelpful habits.

Start to practice now:

Start by consciously practicing for 10 minutes each day.

• Find a comfortable chair and sit in a relaxed and alert posture.
• Pay attention to your breathing to each breath in and out. This will ground you in the present and allow you to move into a state of consciousness and stillness.
• Ask yourself ‘what am I experiencing right now” and observe yourself in the present with whatever is happening. Identify any thoughts or feelings you have and stay with them... until they pass. Focus back on your breathing.

There may be other sensations you experience besides thoughts or feelings – you may be aware of bodily sensations...allow them, don’t analyse and wait for them to pass.

If painful or negative emotions or feeling occur... just watch them, don’t get caught up in them.. they will pass.

Label feelings and emotions eg. ‘that’s a sad feeling’ that’s an ‘angry thought’ NOT ‘I am sad’, ‘I am angry’.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUTHTS AND FEELINGS – THEY ARE JUST THOUTHS AND FEELINGS.. they will pass. Allow them to drift away and they will gradually decrease in intensity and frequency.

With practice you will become the observer and witness to your experience. By embracing the full range of what we experience as human beings including pain in all its various forms, worry, anxiety, impatience, anger, grief, sadness, loneliness, anguish and despair we can lessen the power they have over our lives and move into an enhanced state of awareness.

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness and how it can benefit you please contact our counselling unit for an appointment 02 9542 4029.

Deborah, Counsellor at Enough is Enough

Anger Management Using the Compliment Sandwich

The next time someone hurts your feelings or offends you, instead of bottling things up or exploding, why not try something new and give a compliment sandwich?
You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Do you ever find yourself getting more and more angry and frustrated while trying to explain what is bothering you?

Perhaps you feel like others are not really listening to you or trying to understand things from your perspective. In such circumstances, you may end up raising your voice or becoming verbally or even physically abusive. Unfortunately, responding in this manner usually decreases your chances of being listened to with empathy and compassion.

Another maladaptive way of handling your feelings, perhaps out of fear of losing control, is to work extra hard at keeping everything bottled up inside. What happens here is similar to what happens when a balloon keeps filling up with more and more air. The balloon will expand as far as it can and then eventually pop.

However, if the balloon periodically releases some of its air, the likelihood is it will never reach that point of popping. Similarly, a person who uses assertive communication will be much less likely to become explosive. As one of the eight core anger management techniques, assertive communication involves honestly and effectively communicating your feelings while doing so in a nonhostile fashion.

Perhaps most challenging when using assertive communication is to express your feelings without the other person becoming angry or defensive. What makes this so difficult is that people, for the most part, do not like to be criticized. Telling somebody what they did wrong, what you do not like about their behavior, or how they hurt your feelings can very easily trigger a negative reaction.

One of the most effective ways of using assertive communication is by using a technique known as the Compliment Sandwich

To help illustrate, here is an example of the Compliment Sandwich:

The meat of the sandwich (your complaint, criticism, or concern) is surrounded by two pieces of bread (compliments or positive feedback).
In order to minimize defensiveness, you would begin with a compliment (the first piece of bread), then present the main message that you are trying to communicate (the meat), and then finish with another compliment (the second piece of bread).

 Example:

I have always considered you to be one of my best friends (first compliment / positive feedback).So when I heard that you were talking behind my back, I felt really hurt. What I need is for you to talk to me directly and not get others involved (critical feedback).You have always been there for me in the past and I know I can still count on you (second compliment /positive feedback).

As you can see in the aforementioned example, the Compliment Sandwich made it possible for an important communication to be made in a nonhostile manner. By opening and closing with positive feedback, a friendly tone was set and an important message was able to be conveyed.

Rather than aggressively attack the other person and risk making matters worse or bottle things up and become potentially explosive, this type of communication allows one to get things off his or her chest without putting the other person on the defensive.

There are, however, a few key suggestions for using the Compliment Sandwich effectively. 

First, it is essential that your praise be genuine. As challenging as it may seem with some of the more difficult people in your life, you should be able to think of at least two things to say that are both complimentary and sincere. It may take some extra thought on your part, but there is almost always something positive that you can say. 

It is also important to avoid overuse of this technique so that your words do not appear to be contrived. Finally, your compliments should in some way be related to the critical message that you are trying to convey. This is necessary in order for the conversation to flow smoothly and to feel genuine. 

Thus, the example provided earlier would lose its effectiveness if the compliments seemed to be out of left field (e.g., “I have always admired your dancing ability.” and “You are such a terrific football player.”). These compliments may be genuine, but have absolutely nothing to do with your friend talking behind your back. 

By properly using anger management techniques such as the Compliment Sandwich, you can minimize the potential cost of anger. Health problems, impaired self-esteem, damaged relationships, emotional scarring of one’s children, and a drop in productivity at work are all potential outcomes of uncontrolled anger. On the other hand, when channeled properly, anger can have many benefits.

So the next time someone hurts your feelings or offends you, instead of bottling things up or exploding, why not try something new and give a compliment sandwich? You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

- by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist

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Anger Management and Violent Behaviour

Working on your anger management skills is a positive step towards eliminating the risk of violent behaviour. This ensures the safety of yourself, your family and others and generally helps you to resolve conflict constructively, without alienating others.

It is very understandable that you want to blame others for what has happened to you, particularly if the situation could have been prevented or improved by other people’s actions. You will probably find, too, that your feelings of blame consist of a confusing mixture of guilt, fear, loss of faith in a just society and your own sense of personal vulnerability.

When you have been traumatized, the source of your anger may also be linked with feeling a lack of control over situations, which you may not have experienced before. The physical symptoms – a pounding heart, sweating palms, rapid breathing, rising blood pressure- that are present during a situation of tremendous stress or fear are experienced when anger is “on the boil”.

Nevertheless, in some instances anger can be useful! For example, when it leads to a struggle against injustice, when it helps a parent to defend a child or when it leads to community action on a problem.

The key is to channel your anger effectively. On the other hand, when anger is bottled up until it explodes, the results can be dangerous and violent. Acting out your rage will not erase what has happened, and it could result in serious consequences for you.

The people who seem to fare best are those who learn how to understand their own temper, and express their anger appropriately. By achieving a healthy distance, they are able to move on with their lives, instead of remaining victims of their experience.

Rather than feeling “stuck” in an anger cycle, where every little thing that happens triggers the same overly angry response and you seem to be either suppressing it or lashing out at others, taking responsibility for managing your own anger is a positive step towards gaining control over your life again.

We highly recommend to read:
Active Listening as an Anger Managment Technique

When you are able to manage your anger effectively, you will have more choices about how you respond in any given situation.

Specific Anger Management Technique – The “Thermometer” Technique

This approach draws on your newly developed skills of paying attention to your body signals, in particular , signs of temper rising.
It has been taught (in various forms) and used successfully for many years by groups such as Narcotics Anonymous, whose participants have often turned to drug or alcohol abuse as an ineffective way of managing explosive tempers.

Here is how it works:
1. Picture, in your mind’s eye, a very large thermometer. Try and allow yourself to see very clearly the gradation marks on each side of the glass tube that register the degrees of temperature rising. The mercury inside the glass tube is red. We will use this to represent your temper.


2. When you are calm and cool, there is very little mercury in the tube, just enough to help you pay attention and interact effectively with others.
However, when you start to become agitated, the temperature starts to rise and the mercury level in the tube will go up!


3. Because you are much more in tune with your bodily signals now, you will notice how your breathing begins to quicken when you become just a bit agitated. Your muscles tense, and you become aware that your eyes are squinting a bit, your nostrils are flaring. In short, as your “temperature rises”, you are starting to resemble a charging bull! The mercury in your imaginary thermometer is rising very quickly indeed.


4. Now, all thermometers have some red marks at the top to indicate “danger” and “overheating”. As you pay attention to the signals of your rising anger, you can start to picture the thermometer, and you can become aware of how close you are getting to the danger zone.
It is time to bring the mercury down before you get into the “red zone”, where you will not to able to think clearly enough to take appropriate action.


5. If you allow your anger to boil over, you will be operating on raw emotion, with very little (if any) rational thought. Those are the situations where you are likely to get into trouble and do or say things that you will probably regret later, when they are hard to undo. Use all your skills to stay out of the red zone of raw emotions.

We highly recommend to read:
How to Handle Difficult People

6. Keep being aware of your temper.

Try using the “Quick Controlled Breathing” technique:

• Pay attention to your breathing when you feel yourself becoming angry. Can you slow it down by taking five deep breaths?


• Start by exhaling as fully as you can. Now with each breath, inhale, hold for a second , then exhale slowly, blowing through your mouth and counting backwards from 5 to 1.


• Remember to exhale fully, as if it was a heavy sigh, then aging inhale, hold, exhale slowly, counting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Next breath, inhale, exhale slowly, counting 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.


• Continue three more times and on the last breath say softly to yourself: “Calm and in Control”. Practise this technique frequently!


• When you have reached “room temperature” level again, then you can begin to deal with the person or problem on a rational basis.

Practise this technique as often as possible. As soon as you find yourself getting worked up, think “THERMOMETER!”.


This technique can be very effective, once you have learned it and as long as you use it regularly!

The old saying "The Tip of the Iceberg" is so true because most of the iceberg is under the surface. We as human beings sometimes only see the "tip" in ourselves and others. This video provides you with the opportunity to explore for yourself: "What lies beneath of MY Iceberg?" and how it can relate to any negative emotions, reactions and responses that you would not like in your life.

Resource: Overcoming Traumatic Stress. A self-help guide using Cognitive Behavioural Techniques. Claudia Herbert and Ann Wetmore. Robinson London