Helping Your Child Deal with Grief

As parents, we want to protect our children from everything. Unfortunately, there is a whole world of life experience out there that we can’t control. One of the most difficult situations that every child faces eventually is grief. 

Grief can be the result of many events such as the loss of a family member, friend or pet, separation or divorce of parents, or a move to an unfamiliar town.

To help children cope with grief, it is first important to make sure that the children understand it is ok to grieve and every person grieves in a different manner. Just as people are different and enjoy different things, people also grieve differently and receive help and support in different ways.

Reassure Your Child that This Is Not His Fault:

The first thing you can do to help your child cope with grief is let him know that the death/loss is not his fault. Human nature often leads all of us to believe that there was something more that we could have done to prevent a situation. If a child feels that he is somehow responsible for the event, he can harbour unimaginable pain, guilt and anger. In this case, you need explain that you understand how he feels, but that it was absolutely not his fault and not was caused as a result of his actions.

Talk With a Child in Language He/She Can Understand:

Use language that reflects what the child can see, hear, touch, and feel. Provide factual information about the event to your child. 

If not provided with information a child may use his imagination and create unhelpful or inaccurate stories about what has happened. 

The child should be give an honest explanation of the death and the events that lead to it. Statements like “Grandmother has gone to sleep”, or “He was so sick”, are not good explanations, because children sleep and get sick. It is better to indicate that a certain organ was not functioning properly and as a result the loved one died.

“How do you explain death to a child? A good place to begin is with what you yourself believe about death and what comes after, says Dr Dina Hankin(2). “ You can explain while the person’s body won’t be with us anymore, their soul and memory will be.” Answer questions honesty. Vague answers often confuse children and increase their fears and uncertainty. “It’s also OK to tell a child “I don’t know” when they ask some of the tougher questions, like what is it like right before or after a person dies. “Just like anything, if you can be comfortable with it, your child probably will be as well.”

Dr Hankin often helps kids come to terms with the impending death of a terminally ill sibling. She stresses that “it is important to help children create positive, lasting memories of the person who is dying.” Children may want to draw pictures for the person who is ill or just spend time with them. “Don’t put pressure on them to do it in any particular way. Just give them the opportunity to do so", she advises.

Listen and Share:

Take the time to listen to what your child has to say and encourage him to be open. Share a similar experience you had, how it made you feel, and how you got through it. In the event that your child’s grief stemmed from the loss of a person or pet let him know that you are sad, too. It is OK for you to cry when talking about the loss. Explain why you are crying, e.g. you miss the person. Your child has to know that he is not alone. 

Remember, that you are his role model for how one goes about expressing grief. 

Expressing feelings of love is extremely beneficial at a time of loss.

Find Positive Diversions:

Children will feel an empty gap in their lives, especially if the loved one was a close member of the family. Having a picture or memorable item on hand to give to your child will help to fill that gap. It is also a good idea to have your children express their feelings. Feelings can be written down in the form of poetry or a letter. Giving your child a journal will give them a private place to store their thoughts. Encourage physical activity or artful expression. 

Help your child find ways to occupy his body and mind. 

You may meet some initial resistance, but in the long run, it will work wonder for him. Play with him at the park. Buy him a new art set. Help him get back into the things he enjoyed before the crisis hit.

Watch Your Child Behaviour:

Grief, depression and stress can cause behaviour changes. Keep an eye on your child’s behaviour. Early on, sadness, anger and confusion are common, expected and completely normal. 


If it has been 4 weeks since the event happened and your child refuses to leave your side, this may be a red flag that he is still having an extremely hard time coping with the situation. Pay close attention to long term displays of the following behaviour: nightmares, withdrawal, anger, separation anxiety. If you are seeing a consistent pattern of these behaviours, you may want to consider professional assistance.

Actively responding to your child’s sadness with the proper love and care, will strengthen your relationship and prevent ongoing hard ships related to the event. While the child’s grief is certainly individual and personal, the child is still grieving in a family environment. While these situations are difficult to handle, they also opportunities for your family to grow closer as a unit; to learn to hurt and heal together. 

Ten Lessons About Grief From Children

Teaching children about grief is an important task. They need to be informed about what they may be experiencing and be assured of being loved and supported. 

At the same time, adults can learn from observing the ways children grieve because more times than not, children are just like adults in their grief, yet more honest and candid. 

The following observations are from working with hundreds of children ages 7-16 who have lost a loved one.

Lesson 1:

Some things will make you cry, even when you don’t want to cry. You weren’t really planning on crying, but the memory was too strong not to cry. It’s ok to cry, especially when you’ve got people around you crying.

Lesson 2:

Sometimes you need to take a break from grieving. Learning the lessons of grief is an important task, but so is resting and having fun.

Lesson 3:

Just because someone is laughing and having fun doesn’t mean they’re still not hurting. Taking breaks from our grief doesn’t mean the grief isn’t still there. Calm water on the surface doesn’t mean it’s completely calm underneath.

Lesson 4:

It’s nice to know people are willing to listen to you, but it’s even nicer to have them be willing to wait until you’re ready to talk. Some people have trouble sharing their feelings. They need time to develop trust. They don’t care to let you know, until you have let them know that you care.

Lesson 5:

People who have been through like experiences of loss can communicate on a deep level, with or without words. You don’t necessarily have to hear someone talk about their pain to know it’s real, especially if you’ve experienced something similar.

Lesson 6:

Not everyone wants to participate in ‘group’ activities. Just as people are different and enjoy different things, people also grieve differently and receive help and support in different ways. A favourite book or story may not mean as much to someone else as it does to you. They may find help and support in other ways.

Lesson 7:

Helping children deal with their stuff will bring up your stuff. Time distances, but it doesn’t always heal. Experiencing a loss is not necessarily dealing with a loss. The adult in you may say it’s OK now, but the little child inside of you may still be hurting and need someone to understand.

Lesson 8:

The most meaningful, healing moments may not be on the agenda. A lot of good work at the children’s camp is dome during lesson time, but some of the best work is done sitting by the lake, getting the courage to leap off the tower onto the zip-line, or taking that one last step that helps you reach the top of the wall, knowing that if you climbed that wall there are other walls in your life that you can climb as well.

Lesson 9:

Kids are still kids. They shouldn’t want to stay up late and talk after “lights out” because they are grieving children, and grieving children are different. Not so. Grief is a part of you, but there are other parts, and that’s OK.

Lesson 10:

Even though it hurts to remember, you don’t ever want to stop remembering. As the balloons launch into the sky on Sunday morning at the children’s camp, they go in search of someone we believe will always be out there whether we can see them or not, and knowing that they may find a part of them helps us recover a part of us. Seeing through tears is still seeing. Hearing in silence is still hearing. Feeling with a broken heart is still feeling. It wasn’t in our power to keep you from dying, but our memories of you will live forever.

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Enough is Enough Team Spirit Support Group

Team Spirit is a support group for children and young people who are experiencing anxiety, stress, anger, separation/divorce. It's a place for them to talk and express how they feel in a confidential and safe environment. Fun activities are based around learning effective strategies and coping skills in an interactive manner.

                         Call us now on 02 9542 4029

                        or visit our website: www.enoughisenough.org.au

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Resources:

1. www.parentline.org.au
2. Kids and Grief, How to explain death to children by Lisa Mosckwitz Sadikman
3. Michigan Network for Grieving Chidren, Understanding Children's Grief
4. www.aringinfo.org, Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Loved One
5. Helping Children to Cope with Grief by Kimberly Kim; http://www.gaganine.com/helping-children-to-cope-with-grief/
6. How to Help a Grieving Child, http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources

Traumatic Grief: What You Need to Know

General ideology held by members of our society: 

•  The perception of the world as meaningful and comprehensible 
•  The view of ourselves in a positive light 
•  Belief that it can’t happen to me 
•  We make sense of the world by regarding what happens as controllable 
•  Believe we can prevent misfortune by cautious behaviours 

So what happens when we are affected by an unexpected and undeserved, sudden act which shatters these preconceived ideas of our world?

TRAUMA

Trauma is any event which can make one feel unsafe in the world, and which affects the mind and nervous system thus creating psychological harm. 

Major traumatic events include: 

 death of a loved one; 
 being affected by criminal activities or anti social behaviour of another person; 
 road incidents where injuries or death occur; 
 assault, robber, 
 being bullied, threatened or intimidated; 
 breakdown in relationships, etc 


 When a person is confronted with a threatening or violent situation they experience a rush of adrenaline. This is the body’s way of preparing for either fight or flight. This adrenaline rush causes a state of alertness where all the attention is focused on the immediate situation, accompanied by feeling of intense fear, anxiety and/or anger. 


 It is not unusual for a person be become detached and calm and seems to freeze. The psychological term for this phenomenon is dissociation. When people suffer from dissociation they often lose all sense of self. They can lose all trust in themselves and other people. They suffer feelings of guilt, and thoughts that they should have somehow, done something to stop the event from occurring.

 Understanding Grief 

Grief is an emotion. It is a natural attempt to make internal and external adjustments to the undesired change is one's world brought upon by loss. It is a process involving many changes over time and is experienced mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. Where the loss is sudden and unexpected there is the added ordeal of shock and disbelief which exacerbates all of the adjustments which the body has to adjust to. 


 When we suffer from the loss of loved one our bodies are called upon to adapt to major changes. These changes are the same as those which occur when danger is evident and the basic instinct for survival "fight or flight" comes into force. Natural chemicals are produced which cause physiological changes in our body. These physical changes can last from a few minutes to months and can reoccur every time we are faced with a new experience which we have not had to face previously.  

Common Symptoms of Grief 

While loss affects people in different ways, many people experience the following symptoms when they’re grieving. Just remember that almost anything that you experience in the early stages of grief is normal – including feeling like you’re going crazy, feeling like you’re in a bad dream, or questioning your religious beliefs. (1)

• Shock and disbelief – Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. If someone you love has died, you may keep expecting them to show up, even though you know they’re gone.  

• Sadness – Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.  

• Guilt – You may regret or feel guilty about things you did or didn’t say or do. You may also feel guilty about certain feelings (e.g. feeling relieved when the person died after a long, difficult illness). After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.  

• Anger – Even if the loss was nobody’s fault, you may feel angry and resentful. If you lost a loved one, you may be angry at yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.  

• Fear – A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone.  

• Physical symptoms – We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including fatigue, nausea, lowered immunity, weight loss or weight gain, aches and pains, and insomnia. 

 When working with people who have suffered the loss of a loved one it is important that from the first time that we meet with them we begin to assist them to rebuild their sense of personal power and choice. This will then help them to cope when any future trauma is experiences. 

 Understanding Cycles of Grief 

 Cycles of grief are individual for each person who suffers a loss. There is no set pattern to the cycles and how we handle the process will often depend on our previous learning experiences and how we have learnt to deal (or not deal) with trauma, on previous occasions.


• Avoidance - one of the initial responses to loss is a desire to avoid acknowledgment of that loss. Shock, denial, numbness and disorganisation are all natural initial responses to severe loss. Denial allows the person time to absorb the reality of the situation slowly and thus enhance their ability to cope with the situation. It is during this stage that there is a need to know the details of how and why the situation occurred. 


 • Confrontation- this is the time when we are confronted with intense grief, and move through extremes of emotions. These emotions often include: anger, guilt, yearning and despair as we begin to come to terms with the incident, trying to find some meaning to what is usually a meaningless situation. There will be times when accute grief may occur and at these times the affect can be termed as "grief spasms" which may be intense and overwhelming. Repeated review of the loss experience is common. It is at this stage that symptoms of depression usually occur. 


 • Integration - during this part of the grief process the waves of intense grief get further apart and lose some of their intensity. Positive memories become more frequent, people are now able to talk about their grief and complete any unfinished business. There is the beginning of a return to and hope. 

The Difference between Grief and Depression 

We highly recommend reading:
Children in Grief: How to Cope with Loss

Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy, since they share many symptoms. However, there are ways to tell the difference. 

Remember, grief can be a roller coaster. It involves a wide variety of emotions and a mix of good and bad days. Even when you’re in the middle of the grieving process, you will have moments of pleasure or happiness. With depression, on the other hand, the feelings of emptiness and despair are constant. (1)

Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief: 
• Intense, pervasive sense of guilt 
• Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying 
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness 
• Slow speech and body movements 
• Inability to function at work, home, and/or school 
• Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there 

Can antidepressants help grief? 

As a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may relieve some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process. 

When to seek professional help for grief 

If you recognize any of the above symptoms of complicated grief or clinical depression, talk to a mental health professional right away. Left untreated, complicated grief and depression can lead to significant emotional damage, life-threatening health problems, and even suicide. But treatment can help you get better. 
Contact a grief counselor or professional therapist if you:
 • Feel like life isn’t worth living
 • Wish you had died with your loved one 
• Blame yourself for the loss or for failing to prevent it 
• Feel numb and disconnected from others for more than a few weeks 
• Are having difficulty trusting others since your loss 
• Are unable to perform your normal daily activities

Healing Grief  - Advice for Family and Friends

• Simply ask them what they want, rather than giving them advice 
• Don’t feel that you can’t talk about their loss, they will want you to. More than anything they will appreciate the chance to talk to someone who really listens and who does not judge them.
• It is normal to be confused and to forget things, be more anxious, have trouble sleeping or eating and need time of work. They will appreciate you offers of practical or even financial support. 
• Don’t avoid them or pretend you can’t see them, talk to them, they need you to acknowledge their loss, even though this may be difficult for you to face. 
• Write them a note; Phone them; Cook them a meal 
• Be yourself, you are their main support – it is ok to cry, laugh, share their pain. 

If you are not sure what to do….ask them how you can help. 

Grief Resources on the Web:

• Grief Net: An email based support group for all kinds of grief, loss of spouse, child, partner, parent, etc. Groups are separated by type of loss, specific groups just for kids as well. Cost is $10 a month to join a group. All discussions are monitored.

• Kids Aid: a companion site to grief net for children. Also provides an email based group to join. Groups are separated by age, 12 and under and 13 to 18. Site provides kids a place to submit artwork and writings, as well as a posting board to have your questions answered.

• The Dougy Center: A place for children, teens, adults and families to share their experiences with grief. List of books, DVDs and training opportunities.

• Grief Recovery Online (GROWW): Grief chat room organized into different branches for specific losses. Designed to have an opportunity to talk 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (2)

How We Can Help:

Since 1995 The Enough is Enough Counselling and Support Unit has provided effective counselling and support groups services drawing from proven therapies and our own unique experience working with people in crisis to bring about healing, hope and growth for all members in our community.

We provide a professional service with fully qualified counsellors - all our Counsellors belong to professional Counselling Associations.
We conduct group or individual, face to face, and telephone counselling. Counselling is available for everyone, regardless of cultural or religious background. You can be referred by an agency, a family member or friend, or refer yourself to our service.

If you are in Sydney, please contact us on 02 9542 4029 for an appointment. 

We highly recommend reading:
Mindfulness as a Practice

Resources: 

(1) Coping with Grief and Loss
Understanding the Grieving Process ( http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm)
(2) Grief- Where to Get Help (http://lifework.arizona.edu/ea/articles/grief)

Trauma & Fear Associated With Natural Disasters

"The world breaks everyone and afterward some are srong at the broken places". - Ernest Hemingway

In a year where natural disasters seem to be the predominant theme; floods, earthquakes, nuclear plant explosions, tsunamis, we are bombarded with images of despair. We will all connect with and experience the collective fear of each other as human beings, to some extent we all will experience some of the trauma, fear and hopelessness in some way. These events also remind us of our fragility and how suddenly our lives and communities and the world can change.

As individuals these events will have a different meaning depending on past traumatic events experienced, the ensuing reactions can be experienced from mild anxiety to complex trauma – even if we experience these disaster ‘s first hand each experience will have a different meaning and response for each person.

Someone who has experienced traumatic events in childhood, or who has had many traumatic experiences will have a different response than someone who is experiencing trauma for the first time in their adult life.

The results of traumatic events become stored in our psyche and body energetically. When we experience a traumatic event our protective mechanism is usually the fight/flight response which enables us to deal with the fear or danger of the event at the time, what happens as time passes however is that the stored fear becomes anxiety which can surface at any time we feel under threat or are reminded of a traumatic event – these reminders can become ‘triggers’ to recreate the anxiety or trauma of the past. We often have no awareness at the time of the connection of the event and the trigger.

People who experience ongoing or repeated trauma can suffer ‘complex trauma’ which can leave them in a state of constant anxiety, commonly known as ‘generalised anxiety disorder’. The symptoms of anxiety can manifest as ‘panic attacks’, hypervigilence, difficulty sleeping, flashbacks, as well as physical symptoms such as high blood pressure, physical tension, and reduced immune response.

As a collective consciousness it is helpful to be aware of the effect these repeated images and stories of traumatic events and natural disasters can have on each of us. They can trigger stored memories of trauma or loss and grief.

“Nothing is so awful we can’t talk about it with someone” - Protective Behaviour Group

An experienced counsellor can help with understanding about uncomfortable symptoms and emotions and help you develop the inner resources to deal with them. For more information about our counselling service please call our office or email: support@enoughisenough.com.au

Deborah, Counsellor at Enough is Enough

What Lies Beneath?
The old saying "The Tip of the Iceberg" is so true because most of the iceberg is under the surface. We as human beings sometimes only see the "tip" in ourselves and others. This video provides you with the opportunity to explore for yourself: "What lies beneath of MY Iceberg?" and how it can relate to any negative emotions, reactions and responses that you would not like in your life.

Practical Strategies to Deal with Grief and Loss

Enough is Enough has commenced a Memory Book for those who have lost a loved one through traffic accident

Grief and loss as a result of trauma responses eg. sudden accidents, violent events or disasters is complex and requires special understanding. It can leave a feeling of disorientation and unreality for those grieving. The need to understand and make ‘meaning’ out of these traumatic events often becomes a priority.

Honouring the memory of a loved one is an important part of the grief process. Often there is an unconscious fear of forgetting the meaning the relationship held for us or the unique attributes of a person we have lost.

A way to honour our special memories can be by creating a ‘memory box’.

A ‘memory box’ is somewhere we can hold our treasured memories, perhaps of special photos and memorabilia, included stories or sayings that were part of your relationship with this person. By writing down as much as you can remember, favourite foods, favourite times, music, you create a sacred space to come back to. This is a place that ‘holds the special memories’ so you know they are safe and you can connect with them when you want. This can be an ongoing process as part of the grieving – a place to return to as you gradually remember the special memories of a loved one.

This process also brings into ‘reality’ the loss which can be particularly difficult after a traumatic or sudden loss.

An important part of integrating loss in these special circumstances is through the therapeutic process so that any symptoms of trauma can be understood. Meaning can be made by the retelling of the story.

- by Deborah, Enough is Enough Counsellor

Travelling down the memory lane

is not all black 'n white.

Travelling down the memory lane

is not all lacking light.

Travelling down the memory lane

is not eye filled with tears.

Travelling down the memory lane

brings fresh and soothing air.

Travelling down the memory lane

is a test of time and mind

Travelling down the memory lane

is a joy of it's kind.

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Enough is Enough proudly presents:

World Day of Remembrance for Road Traffic Victims

Sunday 21st November 2010
Hazelhurst Gallery Gardens at Gymea, Sydney
Start from 10 am

Come and Share This Day With Us

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Road Trauma

Yesterday I was in my local RTA office to register my car and as I waited (and waited) I noticed how many young people were coming in to get their L’s. This sent a shiver up my spine, as I have a teenage son that in a couple of years will be getting his L’s.

All these kids looked young and happy, I thought”do you know what could happen out on the road”? Unfortunately being cursed with a super memory I can remember when I got my licence. How invincible you felt, I never felt scared driving until something went wrong.

Something did go wrong in a big way, the night my friend Lisa’s boyfriend decided not to drink and drive four of us girls home to my house.

We made it to my house, got out and he asked if he could come inside, my girlfriend said no as it was girls only. So he hoped back into his new four door hatch and took off for home or so we thought. The next morning we got a phone call asking if it was true that David was dead, WHAT? We had only seen him eight hours ago, he couldn’t be dead. He was a young good looking guy who had an apprenticeship and a new car, he was Lisa’s boyfriend, he couldn’t be dead.

This started a frenzy of phone calls, tears and guilt trips. What had happened? Why didn’t he just stay here? Why did we make him leave? We couldn’t get confirmation on the phone, we had to go to the local police station and ask in person. One of the hardest things I’ve ever done is driving Lisa to the police station to ask if her boyfriend was dead.

Yes he was. He had been speeding down the highway, he had left my house and gone home the long way. He couldn’t negotiate a bend in the road, came off the highway and hit a tree at high speed. The police said he died instantly, as his car was compacted to less than a metre high.

Later that day we went and put flowers beside the tree that had stopped his car. The car had finally been moved but we found cassette tapes, hats and other pieces of a life that no longer existed. To this day my friend still carries a guilt around over his death, all those what if’s and no answers.

In Australia 1464 people died in car accidents in 2008. That is a lot of grieving family & friends. Speed, alcohol and fatigue are the major contributors but human error and driver inexperience also play a part.

I’m still waiting at the RTA , I’m thinking I just won’t let my son drive, but that won’t work either, he’ll still be a passenger in a young drivers vehicle. So wouldn’t it be better to teach him how to be responsible driver, how to respect the road and all on it. To give him the confidence to say to mates “hey slow down”.

I feel slightly better now, at least I have an idea of what to do, it’s not as scary as I first thought and my number has been called to the counter.

I’ve finally worked out why they have such long waiting times at the RTA, to give us time to reflect on our driving and work out that a licence is a privilege not a right.

by Kim Simpson, EIE

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