Finding a Balance in Life: The Love Equation

Think of the people you know who give love in response to negative energy that’s directed their way. There aren’t many people who respond lovingly in that situation. The ones who do are able to because they have love to give away. They know that it’s impossible to give away what they don’t have, and they’ve gone that extra mile to acquire what it is that they want to both attract and give away. 

If love and joy are what you want to give and receive, then begin by taking stock. What have you got to give away? What are you giving out to the universe, and thus, what are you attracting? 

Remember that you can’t give away what you don’t have, but you can change your life by changing what’s going on inside.

Low energy attracts low energy. Low energy thoughts, such as anger, hate, shame, guilt, and fear, weaken you. And they attract more of the same. By changing your inner thoughts to the higher frequencies of love, harmony, kindness, peace, and joy, you’ll attract more of the same, and you’ll have those higher energies to give away.

To begin to change what’s inside you, become more loving toward yourself. In your thoughts, cultivate an inner voice and attitude that’s 100 percent on your team. 
Imagine an inner self that only supports and loves you. You might schedule a certain time of day when that’s the only thought that you allow yourself to pay attention to. Gradually this loving attitude will extend to other people. You’ll begin to receive this energy back and ultimately be able to send thoughts of love and joy to everyone and everything in your world.

Make a pact to remind yourself often of this secret of not being able to give away anything that you don’t have. Then work on your personal program of self-love, self-respect, and self-empowerment, and create a huge inventory of what you wish to give away. 

If what you give is self-respect and self-love, the universe will return the love and respect you’ve been radiating. It’s really so simple. As the Beatles said: “The love you take is equal to the love you make.”

by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer 

Picture from http://www.brucesallan.com/2012/06/02/find-balance-socialmedia-life/

Self-Compassion as a Coping Strategy During Stressful Life Events

Self-Compassion, as a psychological strategy for coping with stressful life events, appeared in the psychological literature only recently with Dr. Kristin Neff’s (an educational psychologist in the University of Texas, the world’s foremost expert on self compassion, and the author of, “Self-Compassion: The Key to Human Happiness” ) publications in 2003.

Having a small son with a serious mental illness, she had to cope with such tragedy, passed through feelings of grief, despair and anger to developing a new psychological approach to helping people to deal with the most painful and stressful experiences in their lives.

This article will inform you of  new strategies that focus on developing a new self-to-self relationship based on warmth and compassion. These strategies will always be under your control and can be used at any time, including the time when you lose, fail and are disappointed as well as when you win or excel.

 “You are going to have painful experiences – absolutely every one of us is – are you going to turn them into something healing or are you going to let them destroy your life?” – Dr. Kristin Neff 

1: Developing Self-Compassion: Changing self-criticism to compassionate self correction

Consider your answers to these questions:
● Are you compassionate to yourself when you lose, fail , or face disappointment as well as when you win or excel?
● Are you kind and forgiving to yourself when you feel regret and sadness?
● Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family? 

How do you feel if people criticise or bullying you? How does it feel? The unpleasantness will make you feel anxious and upset because those threat emotion systems in your brain have been triggered. This will affect your stress systems and your stress hormone, cortisol, will increase. If the criticism is harsh and constant it may make you feel distressed and depressed. Our own thoughts and images can do the same.

Learning to spot self-criticism and learning what to do about it will be a key issue in developing self-compassion.

Kindness involves understanding one’s difficulties and being kind and warm in the face of failure or setbacks rather than harshly judgmental and self-critical.

Imagine two teachers teaching a young child. One focuses on their deficits and picks on them when they make mistakes. The other teacher focuses on what the child does well and encourages the child to improve and learn from their mistakes and offers clear guidance. Which one will help the child’s confidence? Which one do you really prefer?

Compassionate self-correction is about being open to all our weaknesses and limitations (remember, we did not design our brains) but with a genuine wish to improve. Compassionate self-correction is based on being open-hearted and honest about our mistakes with a genuine wish to improve and learn from them.

We need to recognize that our genuine wish is to improve.

Self-criticism, on the other hand, comes from a “fear – and –anger based place”. It is concerned with punishment and is usually backwards-looking, related to things we have done in the past. The problem is that you cannot change a single moment of the past, you can only change the future.

There are many reasons for becoming self-critical. 

One common reason is that others have been critical of us in the past and we simply take their views as accurate. We do not stop to think whether they really wanted to help us and really cared us – in fact they may just have been rather stressed people who were critical of everyone. We just go along with their criticisms of us and never stop to think if they are still reasonable and accurate.

Lots of people tend to beat themselves up and get into the habit of using self-loathing as a way to self – motivate. ” If I didn’t kick myself, I’d never do anything.” This view goes back to childhood where parents and teachers over-focused on the child’s errors and not on their positives. As a result, the child becomes good at self-criticism and punishment but poor at seeing their good points, self-rewarding and valuing.

But when you stop and think about it when has name calling or accusing someone of being a “big loser” ever motivated anyone?

It may also be that we are trying very hard to reach a certain standard or achieve something or present ourselves in a certain way. When it does not work out as we would like this can frighten us because we might think we have let ourselves down or others will be rejecting of us.

“Compassion and gentleness are your right when you lose, fail and are disappointed as well you win or excel.”, Dr Kristin Neff

Research reveals that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more caring behaviour in relationships and less reactive anger. “
 With self-esteem it’s about how you measure up against others and is, by definition, focused on social comparison, “says Neff. “ You have to be cuter, smarter, faster and richer or you’ve not good enough. So many surveys have shown that Americans rate themselves as ‘above average’ or ‘superior’ on almost every task you query them about, whether it’s level of driving skill or reading speed. Feeling you’re much better than average creates a distinct sense of separation, a sense of distance, and for many it leads to narcissism. Self-esteem so often hinges on winning and is contingent on the attention and approval of others.”

2: Developing Self – Compassion: Recognizing that any experiences, no matter how painful are part of the common human experience

Consider your answers to these questions:
● Isn’t it true that I am not the only one going through such difficult times and that all people experience things like this, or worse, at some point in their lives?
● Can I feel my feelings of pain without getting lost in the drama or storyline of my situation?

When people fail, experience loss or rejection, are humiliated, or confront other negative events, they often feel that their experience is personal and unique when, in reality, everyone experiences problems and suffering.

“When you have self-compassion and something awful happens to you,” says Neff, “you’re able to step back and say, ”Yes, it’s very difficult, what I’m going through right now, and I’m going to acknowledge and feel this grief, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Maybe this isn’t worth getting quite so distressed about.”

Realizing that one is not alone in the experience and that imperfection is part of the shared human experience reduces people’s feelings of isolation and promotes adaptive coping.

It is how Dr Neff is talking about her personal life journey:
“ ...I started to think about how all families have issues and difficulties related to their children at some point in life, even if their children are “normal” and healthy.  I began to see us as just another family and my son’s illness was just one of the unique features of the fabric of our family, not a punishment or defeating disaster. I started feeling a connection with other families rather than isolation.”

3: Self-Compassion: Mindful Acceptance - Maintaining balance and perspective through mindfulness

Dr Neff identified mindfulness as a core component of self-compassion and suggested people who are able to maintain perspective in the face of stress and approach the situation with mindfulness cope more successfully.

Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to your life, on purpose, in the present moment in a non attached way. By observing, non judging or analysing thoughts and feelings, allowing them to ‘come’ and ‘go’ as they come and go. Mindfulness is an intentional way of ‘being’ in life. The present moment is emphasised – the past is in the past and the only influence we can have over the future is to live fully and consciously in the ‘now’.

We highly recommend reading:
Mindfulness as a Practice

Being mindful allows us to be aware of important feelings and other problems that interfere with the daily management of life’s difficulties – this then allows us to make conscious effective decisions about life challenges. The opposite of mindfulness is ‘mindlessness’ where our thoughts and actions can limit our conscious decisions.

Mindfulness takes patience and practice and takes time to develop, it is more a way of being than something you sit and do. Over time you will develop new habits and develop new skills to break free from limiting or unhelpful habits. 

Consider your answers to these questions:
Take a few minutes before you go to sleep and review your day.  Ask yourself :
● Where was I hard on myself?
● What events (internal or external) triggered that harshness within me?
● What feelings did I experience – anger, fear, disgust, shame, frustration, guilt?
● What were the thoughts that triggered these emotions?
● And most important – what beliefs do I hold that fuel these thoughts and feelings?  Beliefs are the cement that holds it all together.
● Finally, stop and imagine what it would feel like to be kinder on yourself in those moments when you believe you “fall short”. What happens to your energy level when you release your judgment?
●Spend five minutes remembering kindnesses that occurred in the day that went well.

Self-compassion is a skill. If you find that developing self-compassion can help you to deal with your life challenging events, we recommend you to consider taking a compassionate mind training (CMT). Results showed that CMT resulted in a significant decrease in depression, anxiety, shame, and self-attacking tendencies. Alternatively, if you would like to learn more about mindfulness or need some professional guidance please contact our counselling unit for an appointment 02 9542 4029.

Resources:

● Self – Compassion with Dr Kristin Neff, Jim Porter

● Self – Compassion, Stress, and Coping, Ashley Batts Allen and Mark R. Leary

● Training Our Minds in , with and for Compassion by Paul Gilbert PhD FBPsS

● Why Do We Continue to Think Self-Compassion is Self-Indulgent? http://intentionalworkplace.com/2011/03/14/why-do-we-continue-to-think-self-compassion-is-self-indulgent/

● What is Self-Love? It’s You Being Compassionate to You, Dr Annette

Power of Attitude of Gratitude

Gratitude is the feeling of being thankful and it comes from the Latin words:

                     gratia , meaning favour, charm and thanks and,

                     gratus, meaning pleasing and grateful

Gratitude is an inspirational force that causes us to draw our attention to the good, the beautiful, and open up a host of possibilities. It is exactly what we need when we are in pain and it can help us to cope with our loss.

It has been irrefutably proven that every emotion and every thought has a measurable frequency. Emotions and thoughts of love and gratitude resonate at a frequency that brings about balance of all the cellular functions of the body. Many studies show that practicing gratitude may be the fastest single pathway to the emotional wellbeing, long life, and prosperity.

Your brain can only hold one thought at a time! Choose that thought! Choose to live in “An Attitude of Gratitude”. If you are grateful for something, it is impossible to hold on to thoughts of anger, grief, and hate.

Most of us are thankful for the good health, families we love, our jobs and for our opportunity to live our lives the way we want to. Yes, it very easy to be grateful for pleasant and peaceful experiences.

The difficulty comes in being grateful for the things that upset, offend, hurt and injure us. Grief can be the result of many events such as the loss of a family member, friend or pet, serious illness, separation or divorce, or a move to an unfamiliar town.

 “How can I be thankful for anything when I am grieving and in pain? I can’t begin to think about appreciation or being grateful”.

Nothing and no one can truly be destroyed.

When you heat an ice cube, it turns to water. If you continue heating that water, it turns to steam. The essence of the ice cube remains; just the form is different.  

Maybe not everything in our lives is the way we want it to be, but some things are wonderful, and the things that aren’t so wonderful will get better in time. Experience of emotional pain is opportunities to learn love. Even the deepest, darkest sorrows have an equal amount of joy – the sooner we find it, the sooner we experience the blessings. Developing a mental “Attitude of Gratitude” will give you inner strength that will bring you inner peace in such difficult time of your life.

When times get tough, everyone has to make a fundamental decision: to complain or to be grateful. Focus on everything that you are grateful for, communicate this, and open yourself each day to the best possible consequences.

Developing Attitude of Gratitude:

 ● List three achievements you are proud of accomplishing. For each of the achievements you listed write five ways you received help from others. 

● List the three most recent act of service you have performed. Then write five ways these acts of love helped you fulfil your own inspired dreams. 

● When grieving, if anger hangs around too long in your thoughts, switch your attention to a person, place, or thing you are grateful for.  Use your self-talk to change the scene: “I have this anger and rightly so, but I am choosing to be thankful for all of the help I am receiving from my friends/my family. I am truly grateful.”

"Be grateful for the learning experience of loss.

You cannot change what has happened – it has happened.

You can change the way you think about it!!

Feel gratitude for the life-enhancing opportunity to learn and grow from this."

                                                                        Ken B Marslew, CEO of EIE

Resources:

Time to Take a Chance/ by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Grief and the Attitude of Gratitude by Joseph Burgo, PH.D.

Keep your attitude of gratitude – even during grief by Ann Ulrich Miller

How Gratitude Will Reduce the Pain of Grief by Lou LaGrand

Peer Pressure and Risk Taking

Peer pressure negative or positive will have lifelong consequences. Insure good doses of positiveness in a young person’s life.
- Ken B Marslew, CEO of EIE

Youth is a period characterised by rapid psychological and physical transition, where young people progress from being dependent children to independent adults. In this stage of life, people may be vulnerable to the influences of peer pressure, and may be inclined to experiment, push boundaries and take risks that could impact on their immediate and longer term health and wellbeing. 

These risky behaviours include risk drinking, illicit drug use and dangerous driving with some of the potential consequences: being charged with criminal offences, being involved in an accident or violence; hospitalisation and, in some cases, death.

Youth is often the stage of life when young people begin to experiment with alcohol and other drugs, often followed their peers’ ‘everyone is doing it’. 

The difference between negative and positive peer pressure

“A healthy part of every child’s development is involvement with their peers. This is especially true during adolescence as teenagers develop a sense of independence from their parents.” – by Bruce A.Epstein

We all feel pressure (either from inside or outside ourselves) to be like other people. Peer pressure plays a big role in determining who we are and how we talk, act and dress. 


How we chose to react to peer pressure defines who we are as an individual. Are you a leader or a follower? Another thing to remember is that people in groups act differently and do things they’d never do on their own. Why? Because we all lose at least some of our identity in a group. And the normal controls we put on our behaviour can crumble before the need we all feel to fit in and be respected by others.

The difference between negative and positive peer pressure is the outcome. Good friends can encourage teens to get involved in positive activities, help them learn good social skills and other ways to work out problems, and give teens good advice.

Negative peer pressure is when teens feel pressured to do something they know is wrong, such as doing drugs, smoking, drinking, stealing, or something they don’t want to do such as having sex, etc.

Why young people (and not young too..) are vulnerable to negative peer pressure?

● To be accepted and liked by people their own age

● To appear grown up

● Afraid of being rejected

● Afraid of losing a friend

● Afraid of being teased /bullied

● Don’t know how to say “no”

● To be a part of the group, don’t feel alone
● Don’t know what they really want

Tips for parents

" Parents should not underestimate the role of peers in a teenager’s life, but should try to encourage their child to have his own ideas, opinions and wants. " by Jolien Sichien

“Adolescents want to be independent and dependent at the same time,” says Benjamin Siegel, MD, paediatrician. “On one hand, they want to assert their independence. On the other, they need their parents.” 


Yours rules and structure give your teen a framework for understanding the world, even if he protests. 

When teens were asked what their parents could do to discourage drinking, the answers were surprisingly simple:

● Talk to us.

Teens say they want to know what their parents think and how they make decisions

● Punish us.

Teens who break rules typically wait to see what happens. If there are no consequences, the rules don’t matter.

● Limit overnight visits.

Not having to go home can be too much freedom to handle

● Wait up for us.

Knowing they have to face mum or dad, or both, in a few hours makes most teens think twice about the shape they will be in when they get home.

Parents need to set clear expectations for behaviour, establish rules about communicating where and with whom their teenagers are spending their time. By communicating your expectations and consequences, your adolescent cannot claim they “did not know” that you would be upset.These boundaries need to be included in your teenager's internet use.

If you really believe that a particular peer group is negatively impacting you child, it is important to deal with reasons your teen is being influenced in this direction. An adolescent is drawn to a particular group because it “feeds” them in some way.

He or she may have problems with self-confidence and self-esteem and feel it is necessary to fit in any way possible. Parents will not change the teen’s attitude by forbidding access to these peers. They can only change the attitude by dealing with the primary issues that cause it in the first place.

“Talk to your children about peer pressure. Explain what a powerful force it can be, and... tell them that you will never accept the excuse that “Everyone did it”... that they will be held responsible for their actions.” Tom McMahon

If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behaviour and choices – not the friends. Encourage your teen’s independence by supporting decision making based on principles and not other people. Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behaviour.

If you are in Sydney, please contact our Counselling Unit to arrange a private counselling sessions with your teen on 02 9542 4029.

Tips for Adolescence

It’s important to have a strong self-image because it develops confidence in what you do and how you relate to your peers and loved one.

Peer pressure is testing your will to refuse something you don’t want to do, or know that is wrong for you such as high-risk behaviours.

What consequences?

Drugs and alcohol have really consequences that can affect the quality of your life for a long time. Think about the changes in brain chemistry that can follow periods of drug use. Think about it. You can be involved in an accident, violence crime, and hospitalisation.

Learn how to handle peer pressure

Peer pressure can be direct or indirect. Peer pressure can be negative and positive. But even pressure to do good things can be bad for you, if you don’t learn to say NO when you need to.

Practice ways to say No: 

Avoid following PEER PRESSURE such as, "...if you're my friend, you'll help me; if you love me, you'll have sex with me; if you want me to be happy, you'll go along with my plan." These are bully tactics -- don't fall for them!

You can say:

● “Not tonight. I have to study.”

● “No, thanks. I am in training.”

● “Hey! No way!”

● “Just leave me alone.”

● Alcohol’s NOT my thing.

● Back OFF!

● Why do you keep pressuring me when I’ve said NO?

● “I’m fine.”

Learn to Say NO nicely – “N.I.C.E” to say NO

N: Say “No”. Not “maybe” or “later”.

I: Follow with an “I” statement: “I’m not going to .... , it is not part of my life plan”

C: If pressure continues, “Change”. Change the topic. Change your conversation partner. Change the location.

E: If these strategies do not help, you need “Exit “plan. Leave a bad situation immediately.

Sometimes you can feel pressure just watching how others act or dress (indirect peer pressure), without them saying a word to you. This “unspoken pressure” is especially hard to resist, because instead of standing up to a friend, you are standing up to how you feel inside. In this case, your best strategy is to decide what you really want and always being true to yourself and your values. 


Think about your options and what consequences will be of your decisions and actions.It actually takes courage to be your own person. Don’t forget, there is no other person exactly like you. We are all unique, and can’t really be compared to anyone because our experiences have all been different. Have confidence that you can do what you set out to do in life, without relying on what other people think.



A true friend will take NO for an answer and not try to make you do something you don’t want to do. 


And you will find that when you are self confident, you exert an energy that makes others want to be around you.

Enough is Enough have been successfully presenting programs in primary and secondary schools, Juvenile Justice and adult Correctional Centres for over ten years. 

Programs include responsibility, resilience, leadership tools, alternative schools of thought and tools for positive change. These programs are suitable for students, teachers, youth at risk and those who work with them. We also have programs for those with special needs. Programs are presented nationally. 

Resources:

1. Denise Witmer, The difference between negative and positive peer pressure.

2. Jennifer James, Peer pressure and choices: How to Think for Yourself.

3. Joanne Barker, Brunilda Nazario, MD, Teens and Peer Pressure.

4. Port Clinton, Help Teens Say No!

5. Parents, Speak Up! U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

6. ABS Statistics

Staying Safe (tips for teens and adults)

We face risk every day in the things we do. The food we eat is a form of risk taking. You may be allergic to it. Going out and having fun, first date, online chatting, driving, parties with friends and holidays trips –yes, it is a great time in your life, but all of these have a series of risks attached. All our behaviours, emotions, feelings and words also involve some risk in terms of dangerous and unpredictable consequences.

Safe means zero risk and is not achievable at all times in all places under all circumstances. 

Safety Behaviour is managed risk-taking behaviour and is achievable. 

Safety Behaviour depends on Risk Perception.

How much is ‘at risk’? Shaping our perception of risks

Are dangers really increasing or are we more afraid?

Risk perception is an essential factor in every human decision making.

Our perspective affects how we identify risk, how we see the level of risk and in turn, evaluate these risks and make a decision. Each of us envisages risk as a result of what we believe to be the likely outcome, the chance of the outcome actually occurring and how concerned we are if it does happen.

There are internal (memory, experience, mood) and external (physical environment, sensory information) factors that contribute to influence our perception and the decisions we make.

A large element of our memory is based on previous experience, so it is logical that our perception of risk is also influenced by prior experience. Many psychologists believe that we repress memories of traumatic experiences and what we recall is not always an accurate reflection of events or today’s reality.

Our mood affects how we function and our risk perception. Mood gets in the way of retrieving information: if we are feeling grumpy, we are more likely to recall negative events and situations whereas if we are content we focus on happy memories. People in positive moods increase the likelihood of helpful, safe behaviours. People in negative moods use less information to make decisions, are more selective of what information they pay attention to, are less detailed in their approach. As a result, their ability to manage safety risks may be reduced.

Knowledge and information is the core contributor to risk management and safety.

By being informed we are able to better indentify the risks and can make an informed decision because we better understand the consequences. If we do not know or understand the situation or do not have an experience base on which to make informed decisions, we may choose to take a calculated risk level, using 2 risk components such as likelihood and consequence.

Making a decision to be safe

We make decisions every day; consciously or unconsciously, on how we are going to behave. Keep in mind that at every stage of your life you will have risk, it’s important to understand what these risks are and have a plan to minimize the consequences.

Step 1: Identify the risks
Step 2: Decide how risky it is
Step 3: Evaluate the situation and make a decision

Example: Safe Celebrating

Party safe: This or this?

Step 1: Identify the risks:

Risks associated with being young include:

• a desire for sensation

• a tendency towards high-risk behaviours

• the impact of group/peer dynamics

• a lack of maturity

Risks associated with substance use include:

• inexperience with alcohol

• a tendency towards binge drinking -intoxication/ reduced inhibition

• the use of illegal drugs

Risks associated with places chosen for celebrations include:

• unsupervised use of facilities, especially around

water (beaches, rivers, pools)

• limited supervision/emergency support

Risks associated with road use include:

• increased independent use of roads

and vehicles

• inexperience of drivers

• car overcrowding

• many of the activities occurring at night

• fatigue

• limited transport options

(Source: http://www.youthsafe.org/images/initiatives/scg_section1.pdf)

Step 2: Decide how risky it is for you using your experience, knowledge, research and our risk level calculator

There are six signs that tell you when a risk is NOT a good idea. If any of the following apply, think twice before you taking the risk. 

1. There's a good chance you could lose everything.

You drink too much, lose your wallet with all ID and money, plus your mobile. No way to get home and no phone to call home.. 

2. You have to put a lot on the line to get only a little.

You risk your health and life experimenting with amphetamines at a party because others told you it was OK. 

3. There are too many factors you can't control.

You drink too much at a party, cannot control those around you and what they do to you, cannot control yourself and what you do, cannot control your stomach (in from of everyone). 

4. You feel the odds are against you.

Peer pressure among friends can be overwhelming if you choose to listen. 

5. There is no way to fix the outcome if it doesn't turn out how you want.

People take photos of you on their mobiles while you are drunk. These get sent to the internet instantly – no control to reverse the situation, they are on the internet forever. 

6. You have to take the risk before having a chance to prepare and/or evaluate it.

You get drunk, get into a fight with a friend, throw up on your friend and break something before you realise you have had too much to drink.

Step 3: Evaluate the situation and make a decision

Make a decision to be safe and develop your own safety plan. 


The follow tips can be part of your safety plan.

1. Know the people who’s party you are attending

2. If you chose to drink, have a sober ride home

3. Never accept any drink that you did not prepare or see prepared yourself

4. Never leave a party with someone you don not know well

5. Never walk alone at night

6. If you have an alcoholic beverage in your hand – do not go outside

7. If you are drinking, do so responsibly

We hope that our tips and ideas will help you to minimize the risks of having a good time and keep you in safety!

Source: Taking Risks: How to Take Calculated Risks to Get Ahead in Anything

by www.SixWise.com

Happiness and Joy

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     JOY: HOW IT WORKS

We have feelings about our needs (like food, air, water, etc.).
When needs are satisfied we feel joy.

We have feelings about our wants (for love and affection, even for things like a new house, car, etc.).
When wants are satisfied we feel joy.

Our emotions constantly push us toward joy. When we use our anger positively, we increase our odds of getting what we want and to feel joy.

When we use our sadness positively, we replace what we’ve lost and feel joy again.

When we use our fear well, we protect ourselves and feel joy.

We feel excited whenever we are “on our way” toward what we want! Excitement mobilizes our energy to keep us on track toward joy.

Source: About Joy by Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist 

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TAKING THE TIME TO FEEL THE JOY

Life is changing constantly, and that means that our wants, needs, feelings and choices are changing too. We need to re-evaluate them on a regular basis.

Ask yourself questions:
“What is truly important to me in my life, and why?”
“What is in my day that is stopping me feeling happy?”.

Your goal is to find your top priorities in your life and focus on what really matters for you. Make sure you know what are your true needs and wants, and why. Everyone you know probably has an opinion about what should be important to you. Keep in mind that this is your life, your needs and your wants.

Consider a Concept Living by Half by Jonar C. Nader : “Half everything in your life that is not adding value to you , so you will have time to double anything else that creates value and bring more daily enjoyment.” Try to balance your “need to do” activities with a few things you really want to do.
It is important to make time every day for the things you really enjoy.

GETTING MORE JOY IN YOUR LIFE

• Give yourself small doses of joy regularly using your IMAGINATION.
  The easiest way to get more joy in your life is to simply IMAGINE that you’ve got something you want. Close your eyes and picture a situation or place that feels peaceful and joyful. Are you a music lover? Tune in to the soundtrack of nature-crashing waves and birds singing. Buy a small fountain, so you can enjoy the soothing sound of running water in your home. Surround yourself with smells using scented candles, scented sheets, or your favourite perfume.
  
• Consider the habitual regular joys.
  Every single time we take care of a bodily need we feel a considerable amount of joy. Experiment with your sense of touch: give yourself a hand or neck massage, wear clothing that feels soft against your skin, pet a dog or cat. Taste! When we eat a great meal we feel quite a bit of joy. Movement ! Anything that engages the muscles can work: go for a short walk, dance, even some simple breathing exercises can bring more joy to you.
  
• Don’t forget about the joy of getting “Stuff”, but remember that this feels good only for a relatively short while.
  There is real joy to be had from getting stuff (everything from new clothes to a new house). Take the time to enjoy these things, but don’t be surprised when you notice that abrupt end to such joys. The excitement of a new car usually lasts only a few days or weeks, and it then just becomes background. The excitement of new shoes, or clothes last only hours or days before it become background.
  
• Give and receive joy of affection & attention.
  Hang out with people who bring out the best in you. Send blessings to people who are hurting, imprisoned, or in pain. We all want the same three things: to give love, to receive love and to know that we matter. Simple acts of kindness such as a smile at strangers or giving a compliment will not cost you anything, but they add enjoyment to your life and the lives of those around you.
  
• The BIGGEST JOYS will come!
  The biggest joys of life come from getting your needs met regularly and from getting big doses of attention and affection. Regularly examine your life’s priorities, your new wants and needs and give them first place in your life. Take care of your own needs and wants, plan your time for small and “stuff” joys and your biggest joys will definitely come!

  ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS:

After each bite of food,
After each trip to the bathroom(!),
after each “stroke” you get from the people who like you,
after every opportunity for joy,
stop everything for a moment
and
NOTICE THAT GOOD FEELING OF JOY!

  Source:  About Joy by Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist
 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Where Peace Lives

By DR. WAYNE W. DYER

If you want to be a voice for peace in the world, begin by making peace a permanent condition of your own life.  Your higher self knows the way, and all it takes is awareness and a determination to listen to the calling of love, forgiveness, and kindness as you move through your days. Here are a few ideas to think about:

1.       You must offer peace to have it. Think of yourself as a peaceful person. Watch out for your ego’s inclination to take offense and ramp up confrontation and disturbance in the lives of others. Try saying, “You are really having a rough day,” to a harried clerk, rather than, “I’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes already.” Let your loving presence, not your ego, guide your words and actions.

2.       Remember that grievances bring turmoil while communication brings peace. You can shed grievances by letting go of your own self-absorption and practicing forgiveness. If you are angry toward someone in your life , work at communication with that person. A few moments of discussion and forgiveness can send the turmoil away and weaken the influence of your anxiety-loving ego.

3.       Give yourself the gift of a silent retreat every day. Even if it is only for a few moments, experience this key to higher awareness. Shut down the inner dialogue and see the difference between the constant chatter and the bliss of your silent connection to the Universe.  This is the surest way to ease control away from ego and move into the inner vision of peace that is your birthright.

4.       Remind yourself that the greatest technique for bringing peace into your life is to always choose being kind when you have a choice between being right or being kind. This is the single most effective method I know for having a sense of peace. And you have that choice in all your interactions.

When your higher self is present, it always promotes peace. If you have a question about whether it is your ego or your higher self speaking, the answer becomes obvious when you ask yourself,”Will this bring peace or turmoil to my life?” 

Peace is not found in being right or being hurt or being angry.  

By all means, work toward righting the wrongs you perceive, but do it with an understanding that an angry heart keeps you from knowing God on the path of your sacred quest. Peace will come to you when you a healer rather than a judge. 

Related articles:

Mindfulness Meditation

Guided Self Empowerment Meditation for the Victims of Domestic Violence

How to Handle Difficult People - It's Your Choice!

How to end the emotional tug-of-war?
How to confront and handle difficult, irrational, or abusive people?

We all know people we would describe as ‘difficult’. They are everywhere around us – in our home, at the office, in clubs. Difficult people can range from mildly irritating to the totally impossible to deal with. What makes them difficult is their problem behaviour. 

They have a way of bringing us down to get the results they want. 

Our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct: react and attack back to defend ourselves. We may lose track of our higher selves, our intelligence and our ability to control our responses. Waiting and worrying, the other common “solution”, also allows the problem to get worse while giving you stress.

“Individuals behave in a difficult manner because they have learned that doing so keeps others off balance and incapable of effective action,” says Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D, author of Coping with Difficult People.

While we cannot avoid crossing paths with difficult people – we can learn how to cope with difficult people.

Step 1: Define the nature of difficult behaviour

Begin by examining that specific behaviour and its context. Clarify the problem by asking yourself the following questions:

Why do I feel uncomfortable and frustrated?

What exactly is happening?

Why does it happen?

Every behaviour has a purpose. People do what they do based on what seems to be most important for any given moment. Try to explore why your counterpart is behaving in such a fashion.

Evaluate if their behaviour is:

1. Simply their personality style (controlling behaviour, seeks approval behaviour, seeks attention behaviour, perfectionist)

2. A cultural tendency

3. A specific tactic they are using to intimidate you

4. Due to something that recently happened in their life

To make it easier for you to understand some more common difficult personality types and their behaviour styles , we are providing below the Dr. Bramson’s  classification of seven common types of difficult people.

1. Openly Aggressive People

These people are the bullies who are often abusive and intimidating. They believe their “victims” are weak and deserve the treatment they give them. They are therefore stimulated by signs of weakness. There are three subtypes in this group.


Sherman Tank
Attack not just your idea or project, but you personally as well
Confrontational, pointed and angry
The ultimate in pushy behaviour


Snipers
Feel very strongly about how others should think and act
Rude comments, biting sarcasm
Attempts to make you look foolish


Exploder
After initial calm, explodes into uncontrolled ranting and raving

2. Complainers

● Feel overwhelmed by an unfair world

● Bring their problems to you

Complainers find fault with everything. These are fearful people who have little faith in themselves and others because they believe in a hostile world. 


It can be difficult to recognize a true Complainer. They are skilled at starting problems in such a critical manner that it is hard to separate real problems from complaints. And people around them become defensive because they know the Complainer will be the first to blame them if something goes wrong. 


Complainers themselves feel powerless to correct the situations they complain about. Relying on others to fix the problem perpetuates their own belief that they are without blame or fault.

To help you If you can find out why your counterpart is behaving in a certain way, your best approach may become clear.

3. Clams

● No verbal feedback

● No non-verbal feedback

● Nothing

These people react to questions you have posed, controversial statements you have made, and indeed any situation they deem disagreeable, by clamming up. Just when you want a response, they may grunt, give a no or yes or more likely say nothing. 


It is difficult to discern a Clam from a quiet person. However, quiet people are not likely to avoid direct questions, whereas Clams are. For instance, you have asked a colleague to not park so close to your car in the company parking lot. A Clam will say nothing. A quiet person will at least respond in some way.


 The biggest problem in dealing with Clams is you don’t know what the silence or lack of response means.

4. Super – Agreeables

What is so difficult about communicating with someone who is always pleasant and supportive of your ideas ? Nothing, until you want that person to do something for you. 


Super-Agreeables want to be liked and accepted by everyone, so to achieve this they are outgoing, sociable and very personable. However, the danger here is they will agree with you about one thing and then agree with the next person whose ideas are contrary to yours. At work, the Super-Agreeable will volunteer to do every job and get none of them done.

5. “NO Person”

● Able to defeat big ideas with a single syllable

● Deadly to morale

6. “Know –it-All”

● Has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction

7.” Maybe Person”

● Procrastinates in hope that a better choice will present itself

Indecisives, or Maybe Persons , are very helpful people; however, they put off making decisions which might upset someone. The serious problem here is that indecisiveness can work – most unmade decisions become irrelevant through time. For them , not making a decision is a compromise between being honest and not hurting someone.

Once you’ve thought about the situation and identified the specific types of behaviour that bother you, you’ll probably want to go on to qualifying your acceptance of the behaviour by evaluating its positive and negative effects.

Step 2: Qualifying

Understanding the motives and reasons for problem behaviour makes solving the problem much easier. Before you act, pay attention to the effects of the behaviour. Once you know how the behaviour fits into your life, and how severe the effects are, you may decide that you are willing to accept the behavour. However, most people who encounter inconsiderate behaviour usually want to modify some aspect of the situation.

Here is What Doesn’t Work: 

1. Sending solutions

Common phrases that indicate solving include: “Stop doing.. and start...”, “What if you...”, “Why don’t you..” Telling people what to do does not work. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away from you and your suggestion. 

2. Moralizing

Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should..”, “It would be good for you to..”, “Stop doing wrong..” 

3. Complaints

“I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” If you complain, you are the difficult person. You become no better than the person you try to change. 

4. Criticism

People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get things done.” Avoid criticism because it intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel unworthy and less important.

Step 3: Strategies to manage difficult behaviours

Generally, to deal with any type of difficult behaviour you have 4 choices:

1st Choice: Stay and do nothing

2nd Choice: Remove the person from your life

3rd Choice: Change your behaviour

4th Choice: Change your attitude

1st Choice: Stay and do nothing

Ask yourself two questions:

“If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?”

“If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?”

Answering these questions often ads perspective to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.
Some people react to difficult people by accepting their behaviour. They often find confrontation unpleasant and would prefer to overlook the matter completely. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses. We can choose peace or we can choose conflict. If this will not make you to feel like a victim, it can be your choice.

2nd Choice: Remove the person from your life

Start with listing out things in your life most important to you. 

Then ask yourself:, “Will a communication with this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”.

Sometimes it’s the best option. If your landlord is really bad, consider moving. If your boss or co-workers are terrible, leave. 

Eleanor Reesevelt said,” You are nobody’s victim without your permission.”

3rd Choice: Change your behaviour

Difficult people have learned, often from childhood that being difficult puts other people at a disadvantage. It’s that disadvantage they count on to get the results they want. 

Possibly the most critical thing you need remember is not to let difficult people get the upper hand – remain on an equal basis with them. If you will change the way you deal with people and they will need to learn new ways to deal with you.

We highly recommend reading:
Active Listening as an Anger Managment Technique

Once you ‘ve clarified the issue and understand the details of the problem behaviour and its causes, you will be able to take charge of an unpleasant situation and redirect its result.

Here is some strategies to cope with some common types of difficult people:

Sherman Tank: 

Your new behaviour: assertive , polite, professional  
Your goal: assertively express your own views, not try to win a battle of right and wrong.

The most important aspect of coping with Sherman Tanks is to stand up for yourself, don’t fight and turn the Tank into a constructive discussion. Openly aggressive people expect others to either run away from them or react with rage.  

It is important to make your difference of opinion known and understood. Throughout the attack, in whatever form it takes, continue to reassert that your opinion differs and why.  

You may have to interrupt Sherman Tanks to get into the conversation because they are not likely to pause to giver you the chance. To get their attention, say their name in a loud, clear voice. 

Present your own point of view, in an assertive fashion, by using phrases such as “In my opinion...”; “I disagree with you...”.
In this way , you are not telling the Sherman Tank what to do, but rather you are expressing your opinions. 

Avoid public situations where the Tank’s pride demands victory at all costs. If possible, invite him aside for a private chat. Don’t be surprised if you only gain trust and respect from a Sherman Tank after you start standing up for yourself.

Snipers:

Your new behaviour: assertive , polite, professional

Your goal: to give them an alternative to a direct conflict by asking questions rather than making statements

Snipers, like Sherman Tanks, feel very strongly about how others should think and act.
The first step in coping with Snipers is to force them out into the open. Ask questions like, “That sounded like a dig. Was it?”. Then, if your Sniper responds by ridiculing you even further, say something like,” Sounds like you are ridiculing me. Are you?”; “ That sounds like you are making fun of me. Are you?”. A sniper usually replies to such accusations with denial,” I am only joking.”

By asking the questions, you have stood up to the Sniper and are ready to take the next step towards coping.  

Don’t agree with the Sniper’s criticisms. Try to discover the real problem and deal with it. Remember, that questioning covert attacks will reduce the chance for similar attacks in the future.

Exploders:

Your new behaviour: assertive , patient , polite, professional

Your goal: to wait for the person to run out of some steam, then assert your own opinions with confidence

To cope with an Exploder, wait for the outburst to come to an end. It is common for Exploders to suddenly realize where they are and what they are doing and then to quiet very quickly. But, if there doesn’t seem to be an imminent pause in the explosion, you should try to bring it to a close. Try saying “Right, Right!” “Wait a minute” or “Yes. Yes!” with enough loudness that they can hear. Suddenly standing up may also catch their attention long enough to break the tantrum.
Once Exploders have settled down, make sure they know you take them seriously by saying things like “ I can see this is very important to you and I would like to talk about it, but not like this.’

Complainers:

Your new behaviour: cooperative with optimism

Your goal: to help with to see the other side of the situation

The one successful way of coping with Complainers is to help them take a problem – solving perspective toward their complaints.

The first step is to listen to their complaints. Then acknowledge what they are saying by repeating it back to them, and you may have to interrupt them to do this. As you acknowledge, use specific examples to avoid words like never and always – two of the Complainer’s favourites.

Don’t agree with the Complainer, and there is a difference between acknowledge and agree. Agreeing with the Complainer is admitting your role in the problems. You are validating the belief that they are blameless and the responsibility is all yours.

Now, move quickly into problem-solving. Ask the Complainer questions to help identify the real source of the problem. Help the Complainer to see the other side of the situation.

Silent People:

Your new behaviour: cooperative

Your goal: to get them to talk

Ask them questions that can’t be answered with just a “Yes” or “no”, such as, “Why is it uncomfortable for you to answer my questions?”; “How do you feel about this?” or “What are your ideas?”. Then wait at least one full minute before you say anything. This long silence may make them uncomfortable enough to say something.

To stop yourself from jumping in with more conversation, be to the point and say something like”I expected you to say something, and you are not. What does that mean?(another open-ended question).

If you are still at an impasse, begin to give your thoughts, observations or ideas on the matter and once again, end with an open-ended question. Be prepared at this point, to hear something like “Can I go now?” from them. “Not yet, I still have some other things on my mind”, is a good response. Using the following statements or questions may help the silent people to get started.

“You look distressed.”; “ Don’t worry about starting at the beginning. What’s on your mind right now?”. If and when they do start talking, listen carefully.

Negativists:

Your new behaviour: cooperative, task focus

Your goal: to avoid getting drawn in to their negativity and stay with your own action plan

Negativists are extremely pessimistic and more bitter than complainers. Usually, they feel defeated or powerless in regard to the situation. And the more you try to solve a problem or improve a situation, the more negative they become.

When coping with Negativists, don’t try to persuade them out of their pessimism. State your own realistic optimism but don’t argue with their point of view. If a new idea is being considered, quickly point out the possible negative repercussions yourself and then include the Negativist in the discussion which you are leading. If it seems impossible to get the Negativist seeing things your way, then you may have to take action on your own and simply announce your plans to the Negativist.

Know-it-alls:

Your new behaviour: assertive

Your goal: to be aware for their behaviour in yourself

When dealing with a think-they-know-it-all, state the facts as an alternative version. Offering an alternative version will give them a way out while still looking smart and important.

Ask question to introduce the possible alternatives, “I realize this may not be what we will be doing , but could we consider this...”. At some point in the conversation , they will realize you are an expert and will panic. Allow them to save themselves from embarrassment.

4th Choice: Change your attitude about the person

Change your attitude will set you free from your reaction to the problem you see in their behaviour. You need to learn to see them differently, listen to them differently and feel differently around them.

Always remember that people who irritate us usually have something to show us about ourselves. For example, being around your chronically late friend can remind you how quick-tempered and impatient you can be. 

Ask yourself “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”. 

Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect and you will feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life – regardless of whether you successfully handle the situation.

Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree you are a victim of someone’s behaviour controls the impact it has on you. Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your emotional state at will.

Remember:

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it!

Resources:

1. Dealing with Difficult People

http://www.theelearningcenter.com/detail/dealing_with_difficult_people_series

2.  Coping with Difficult People, Dr Robert Bramson, 2006 NSBA Convention

3. Dealing with People You  Can't Stand, Dr Rick Brinkman & Dr Rick Kirschner, 2006 NSBA Convention

4. Working with Difficult People, Greg McKenzie, Oregan School Boards Association

5. Winton Goodrich, Vermont School Boards Association, 2006 Federation Trainers Conference