Peer Pressure and Risk Taking

Peer pressure negative or positive will have lifelong consequences. Insure good doses of positiveness in a young person’s life.
- Ken B Marslew, CEO of EIE

Youth is a period characterised by rapid psychological and physical transition, where young people progress from being dependent children to independent adults. In this stage of life, people may be vulnerable to the influences of peer pressure, and may be inclined to experiment, push boundaries and take risks that could impact on their immediate and longer term health and wellbeing. 

These risky behaviours include risk drinking, illicit drug use and dangerous driving with some of the potential consequences: being charged with criminal offences, being involved in an accident or violence; hospitalisation and, in some cases, death.

Youth is often the stage of life when young people begin to experiment with alcohol and other drugs, often followed their peers’ ‘everyone is doing it’. 

The difference between negative and positive peer pressure

“A healthy part of every child’s development is involvement with their peers. This is especially true during adolescence as teenagers develop a sense of independence from their parents.” – by Bruce A.Epstein

We all feel pressure (either from inside or outside ourselves) to be like other people. Peer pressure plays a big role in determining who we are and how we talk, act and dress. 


How we chose to react to peer pressure defines who we are as an individual. Are you a leader or a follower? Another thing to remember is that people in groups act differently and do things they’d never do on their own. Why? Because we all lose at least some of our identity in a group. And the normal controls we put on our behaviour can crumble before the need we all feel to fit in and be respected by others.

The difference between negative and positive peer pressure is the outcome. Good friends can encourage teens to get involved in positive activities, help them learn good social skills and other ways to work out problems, and give teens good advice.

Negative peer pressure is when teens feel pressured to do something they know is wrong, such as doing drugs, smoking, drinking, stealing, or something they don’t want to do such as having sex, etc.

Why young people (and not young too..) are vulnerable to negative peer pressure?

● To be accepted and liked by people their own age

● To appear grown up

● Afraid of being rejected

● Afraid of losing a friend

● Afraid of being teased /bullied

● Don’t know how to say “no”

● To be a part of the group, don’t feel alone
● Don’t know what they really want

Tips for parents

" Parents should not underestimate the role of peers in a teenager’s life, but should try to encourage their child to have his own ideas, opinions and wants. " by Jolien Sichien

“Adolescents want to be independent and dependent at the same time,” says Benjamin Siegel, MD, paediatrician. “On one hand, they want to assert their independence. On the other, they need their parents.” 


Yours rules and structure give your teen a framework for understanding the world, even if he protests. 

When teens were asked what their parents could do to discourage drinking, the answers were surprisingly simple:

● Talk to us.

Teens say they want to know what their parents think and how they make decisions

● Punish us.

Teens who break rules typically wait to see what happens. If there are no consequences, the rules don’t matter.

● Limit overnight visits.

Not having to go home can be too much freedom to handle

● Wait up for us.

Knowing they have to face mum or dad, or both, in a few hours makes most teens think twice about the shape they will be in when they get home.

Parents need to set clear expectations for behaviour, establish rules about communicating where and with whom their teenagers are spending their time. By communicating your expectations and consequences, your adolescent cannot claim they “did not know” that you would be upset.These boundaries need to be included in your teenager's internet use.

If you really believe that a particular peer group is negatively impacting you child, it is important to deal with reasons your teen is being influenced in this direction. An adolescent is drawn to a particular group because it “feeds” them in some way.

He or she may have problems with self-confidence and self-esteem and feel it is necessary to fit in any way possible. Parents will not change the teen’s attitude by forbidding access to these peers. They can only change the attitude by dealing with the primary issues that cause it in the first place.

“Talk to your children about peer pressure. Explain what a powerful force it can be, and... tell them that you will never accept the excuse that “Everyone did it”... that they will be held responsible for their actions.” Tom McMahon

If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behaviour and choices – not the friends. Encourage your teen’s independence by supporting decision making based on principles and not other people. Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behaviour.

If you are in Sydney, please contact our Counselling Unit to arrange a private counselling sessions with your teen on 02 9542 4029.

Tips for Adolescence

It’s important to have a strong self-image because it develops confidence in what you do and how you relate to your peers and loved one.

Peer pressure is testing your will to refuse something you don’t want to do, or know that is wrong for you such as high-risk behaviours.

What consequences?

Drugs and alcohol have really consequences that can affect the quality of your life for a long time. Think about the changes in brain chemistry that can follow periods of drug use. Think about it. You can be involved in an accident, violence crime, and hospitalisation.

Learn how to handle peer pressure

Peer pressure can be direct or indirect. Peer pressure can be negative and positive. But even pressure to do good things can be bad for you, if you don’t learn to say NO when you need to.

Practice ways to say No: 

Avoid following PEER PRESSURE such as, "...if you're my friend, you'll help me; if you love me, you'll have sex with me; if you want me to be happy, you'll go along with my plan." These are bully tactics -- don't fall for them!

You can say:

● “Not tonight. I have to study.”

● “No, thanks. I am in training.”

● “Hey! No way!”

● “Just leave me alone.”

● Alcohol’s NOT my thing.

● Back OFF!

● Why do you keep pressuring me when I’ve said NO?

● “I’m fine.”

Learn to Say NO nicely – “N.I.C.E” to say NO

N: Say “No”. Not “maybe” or “later”.

I: Follow with an “I” statement: “I’m not going to .... , it is not part of my life plan”

C: If pressure continues, “Change”. Change the topic. Change your conversation partner. Change the location.

E: If these strategies do not help, you need “Exit “plan. Leave a bad situation immediately.

Sometimes you can feel pressure just watching how others act or dress (indirect peer pressure), without them saying a word to you. This “unspoken pressure” is especially hard to resist, because instead of standing up to a friend, you are standing up to how you feel inside. In this case, your best strategy is to decide what you really want and always being true to yourself and your values. 


Think about your options and what consequences will be of your decisions and actions.It actually takes courage to be your own person. Don’t forget, there is no other person exactly like you. We are all unique, and can’t really be compared to anyone because our experiences have all been different. Have confidence that you can do what you set out to do in life, without relying on what other people think.



A true friend will take NO for an answer and not try to make you do something you don’t want to do. 


And you will find that when you are self confident, you exert an energy that makes others want to be around you.

Enough is Enough have been successfully presenting programs in primary and secondary schools, Juvenile Justice and adult Correctional Centres for over ten years. 

Programs include responsibility, resilience, leadership tools, alternative schools of thought and tools for positive change. These programs are suitable for students, teachers, youth at risk and those who work with them. We also have programs for those with special needs. Programs are presented nationally. 

Resources:

1. Denise Witmer, The difference between negative and positive peer pressure.

2. Jennifer James, Peer pressure and choices: How to Think for Yourself.

3. Joanne Barker, Brunilda Nazario, MD, Teens and Peer Pressure.

4. Port Clinton, Help Teens Say No!

5. Parents, Speak Up! U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

6. ABS Statistics

Building Resilience in Youth

Resilience. We hear this word a lot these days! What does it mean? The Oxford dictionary definition is “Recoiling, springing back, resuming original form after stretching or bending.”

What does it mean in real terms?

• The ability to bounce back from a difficult situation and in some cases take a completely new perspective on that and other difficult situations.
• Manage life’s challenges, changing and pressure effectively.
• Cope and adapt to adversity.

You Cannot Change What Has Happened You Can Control How You Think About It

When some thing ( a plan, a project, a relationship, a situation) does not go the way you want it to go, what is the first question most people ask? WHY ME? This is the wrong question! What happens when you ask the wrong question? Yes! You get the wrong answer and a lot of negative feedback.

What then would be the right question? WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM WHAT JUST HAPPENED? And you get a completely different interpretation back – and a positive lesson can be learnt.

Resilience is like a muscle – when you develop the right exercises you can build resilience. Negative thoughts are the biggest threats for building resilience. Some people have resilience muscles built in, others need to develop them.

Some people allow fear to stop them from seeing the opportunities in situations.
Fear in most cases is:False Evidence Appearing Real

Resilience is associated with the following factors:

- HAPPINESS

What makes you happy? Do more of it!

- SELF ESTEEM

You are a worthwhile person! Love yourself!

- ENERGY

Are you sleeping enough, exercising enough, eating the right food?

- OPTIMISM

Do you look for the positives, not the negatives – the reasons why you can, not the reasons why you cannot.

- DIRECTION

Do you have your goals for the future written down? Do it now!

Understanding Emotions

We highly recommend reading:
Anger Management & Violence Behaviour
Peer Pressure and Risk Taking
How to Handle Difficult People
Ten Keys for Building a Resilient Mindset
Building Resilience - Find Your Islands of Competence

This is one of our greatest challenges. We sometimes misinterpreted our own feelings.

The only person we have the power to change is us. Other people will only change if they want to.

We sometimes misinterpreted other people feelings. All of the factors we have mentioned, you have control over when you understand yourself and your emotions.

The most important relationship you will ever have – is with you.
Reading books, attending courses, mixing with positive people will help you understand your emotions and how they effect you and other people.

There have been many good books written on developing Resilience in young people.
Two of that I recommend:

• Learned Optimism by Dr Martin Seligman
  Positivity by Dr Barbara Fredrickson

Ken B Marslew, CEO of Enough is Enough

Ten Keys for Building a Resilient Mindset

In their latest book The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence, and Personal Strength in Your Life, psychologists Brooks and Goldstein describe how adults can develop a "resilient mindset." According to the authors, while the word "resilient" is usually associated with people overcoming great adversity, daily stress often requires resilience. Using many examples from their clinical practice, Brooks and Goldstein outline how this mindset is best achieved.

This article represents a brief summary of this book, highlighting 10 keys for building a resilient mindset. Each concept covered in each of the chapters of the book.

Do you often feel stressed? According ABS 64% of adults in Australia experienced at least one personal periodic or frequent stress in the 12 months. Stress has been implicated in, or reported to exacerbate, a wide spectrum of physical problems, including heart disease, stroke, and obesity. These statistics might prompt some people to become even more worried, but that is not our intention. If we recognize the effect stress has on our lives, we will be better prepared to manage it and learn to lead more productive, satisfying, healthy and resilient lives. Being resilient does not mean we eliminate all risks or adverse conditions, but rather when they arise we deal with these conditions effectively.

Resilient individuals posses a particular mindset and accompanying skills that help them respond to life’s challenges with confidence and grace. What are the features of this mindset? What assumptions do resilient people have about themselves that reduce their vulnerability to stress and help them to cope more productively? Certainly, one’s lifestyle, including exercise, diet, and sleep all influence the effectiveness with which stress is managed. But how do you nurture such a healthy existence?

In this article, we will describe ten keys for developing stress hardiness and a resilient mindset and lifestyle. As you read each key, ask yourself, “Am I practicing this? If not, what must I change to strengthen my resilient mindset?” Also, remember that changing one’s mindset and behaviour takes time. Be realistic in what you can accomplish within a certain timeframe. Each small step leads to reaching a larger goal.

Key 1: Rewrite Your Negative Scripts
 
Do you find yourself saying or doing the same ineffective things over and over again? It is impressive how many people do. We often become trapped, blindly following a prescribed script that does not allow for change or creativity in the face of stress and problems. Yet, we are the authors of our lives. We can move from less satisfying, less productive scripts, to ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that foster a resilient mindset. Identify the negative scripts in your life or things you would like to change. Define short and long-term goals related to these issues. Consider new scripts, select one that you believe has the greatest chance for success, plan for obstacles, and follow through. Change cannot take place unless we become active participants in our lives.

Key2: Choose a Path to Become Stress Hardy Rather Than Stressed Out
 
Research indicates that stress hardy people engage in activities that bring purpose or meaning to their lives whether in their role as parent, spouse, co-worker, or friend or in the volunteer work they do. What would you list as the priorities in your life and do you spend time engaged in these activities? In addition, stress hardy individuals view difficult situations as an expected part of life. When such situations arise, they interpret them as challenges to confront and learn from rather than as stress to avoid. It is helpful to recall that in the Chinese language the same word is used for “crisis” and “opportunity with danger”.

Stress hardy people can define the factors over which they have control and those that they don’t , focusing their time and energy on situations within their sphere of influence. You might wish to do the following. Make a list of five things you want to see different in your life and then next to each item write down whether someone else has to change first for you to achieve your goal. If you discover that your happiness is based on another person changing first, whoever it may be, you might be waiting a long time to become happy. You are likely to become increasingly stressed during the wait. You will feel empowered if you focus your time and energy on what you can do differently to improve particular situations.

Key 3: View Life Through the Eyes of Others

Resilient individuals develop satisfying relationships in their lives. A cornerstone of such relationships is the capacity to be empathic and to place oneself inside the shoes of others and see the world through their eyes.

To become more empathic ask yourself: “In anything I say or do, what do I hope to accomplish? Do I say or do things in ways that will motivate others to be willing to listen and respond to me? Do I behave towards others in the same way I would like them to behave towards me?”

Make a list of the words you hope people would  use to describe you and then the words you think they would actually use. Reflect upon what actions you might take to change your behaviour so that the two lists of words are more in accord with each other.

Key 4: Communicate Effectively
 
The ability to communicate effectively is an integral component of resilience and is closely linked to empathy. Effective communication includes an appreciation of how our verbal and nonverbal messages are perceived by others and our capacity to be an active listener. Active listeners attempt to understand what the other person is expressing and even if they disagree they are respectful and validate that they “hear” the other person’s viewpoint. The more effectively we learn to convey our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs verbally and nonverbally, the more successful and resilient we will be.

Key 5: Accept Yourself and Others

If you are to nurture a resilient mindset, you must learn to accept yourself. Acceptance implies possessing realistic expectations and goals, recognizing your strengths as well as vulnerabilities, and leading an authentic, balanced life in which your behaviours are in accord with your values and goals. View each item on your list and reflect upon how much of your time and energy is expended to achieve what you have listed. As you learn to accept yourself, as you gain a clear picture of your strengths and vulnerabilities, as you articulate your values, you will be in a position to remove those factors that serve as obstacles to realizing a more honest, enriched life.

Key 6 : Make Connections and Display Compassion

It is difficult to be resilient if we do not nurture connections in our lives – connections to other people, to ideals, to our faith, to causes. Psychologist Julius Segal, when discussing individuals who enrich the lives of children, referred to them as “charismatic adults”, people from whom children “gather strength.” Even as adults we need people in our lives from whom we gather strength. In addition, our resilience will be enhanced if we serve as a source of strength and support for others. In this regard, consider the following questions: ‘Who are the two or three people who serve as charismatic adults in my life? What have they done that has prompted me to list them in this way? What people would say that I am the charismatic adult in their lives, and why? Aside from relationships with people, what other activities in my life supply me with a sense of connectedness? In what ways am I compassionate and giving?” Being connected to and helping others provide meaning to our lives and serve as nutriments for resilience.

Key 7: Learn to Deal with Mistakes

The ways in which we understand and respond to mistakes and failure are an integral part of a resilient mindset. When you make a mistake, what do you tell yourself? How do you react? Resilient people consider mistakes as experiences for learning and growth. They ask themselves, “What can I do differently next time to succeed?” Those who are not resilient typically interpret mistakes as attributable to conditions that cannot be easily corrected, such as a lack of intelligence. They feel defeated by mistakes and often end up blaming others or quitting or refusing to attempt things. Observe what you say to yourself when you make a mistake. It will give you a clue to how resilient you are and what you might have to change. 
                                     

Key 8 : Learn to Deal with Success and Build Islands of Competence

Just as the manner in which we understand and respond to setbacks in an integral part of a resilient mindset so too, is the way we react to successes in our lives. Think about how you understand your achievements. Those who are resilient view their accomplishments as based upon their own resources and strengths. This doesn’t mean they fail to acknowledge the support of others. Rather, they don’t dismiss or minimize what they have achieved. In contrast, people who are not resilient tend to attribute their success to factors outside their control such as luck or chance or fate. Consequently, they are not as confident or optimistic about being successful in the future. There is another feature of resilient people we wish to highlight. While they do not deny their vulnerabilities, they are able to identify their strengths or what we call their “islands of competence”. What would you list as your islands of competence? Do you regularly engage in these strengths to bolster your resilience?

Key 9 : Continue Developing Self –Discipline and Self – Control

Self-discipline and self-control play a significant role in our daily activities. When we think before we act, when we consider the feelings of others, when we reflect upon possible solutions to problems, when we behave in a rational and thoughtful way, when we engage in developing a business plan, when we keep from screaming at someone who has done something to make us angry, we are displaying self-discipline and self-control.

It is a major component of stress-hardiness and resilience. Self-discipline and self-control must be exercised in the following ways: Accept ownership for your behaviour. Be consistent, but not rigid. Become a proactive problem solver, thinking of different solutions before you act. Believe that every problem has a possible solution. Remember that with effort and patience, possible solutions become probable solutions. It is difficult to be resilient and have satisfying relationships if you are impulsive, arbitrary, and unpredictable. We believe that these negative traits can be changed as long as we first acknowledge their existence and then develop a realistic plan of action to modify these counterproductive behaviours.

Key 10. Maintaining Your Resilient Lifestyle Takes Work
 
If we abandon well-established diets and exercise, our health will suffer. The same principle is true when we consider the maintenance of a resilient lifestyle. Once you have developed the features associated with a resilient mindset and lifestyle, you cannot settle back and assume these qualities will be maintained on automatic pilot. Expected and unexpected challenges will emerge that will test your ability to be resilient. The more you understand the characteristics of resilient individuals, the more you can engage in daily and long-term exercises to maintain, and even strengthen, a resilient mindset.

Each and every day consider: “Have I listened and communicated effectively with others? Have I responded to stress, mistakes, and setbacks in thoughtful ways? Have I maintained connections to people, ideals, causes, and faith?” Leading a resilient lifestyle should be in constant focus.

Read our article: The Cycle of Change. Managing Change.

Building Hopeful Resiliency – Trust Lessons

According to The Oxford English Dictionary, resiliency consists of the following: a tendency to rebound, an ability to return to a natural physical state, and the power of recovery. Hopeful resiliency involves a capacity for sustaining hope in times of stress and uncertainty. An individual who is resilient has the ability to bounce back from a crisis as well as a tendency to maintain emotional equilibrium in the midst of chaos.

There are many types of survival. Physical survival has been a preoccupation for most of human history. However, in this age of anxiety, you may be finding yourself far more focused on emotional survival. If you are older, have struggled with substance abuse, or have battled a mental illness, you may be most concerned with sustaining a sound mind. Perhaps you are especially worried about maintaining a particular lifestyle (social or economic survival). Understanding your particular needs is crucial.

Beyond individual needs and styles, there are significant coping differences that result from cultural factors. In the West, there is a greater focus on direct problem solving, or primary control processes. In the East, there is a preference for secondary control processes, which involve making subtle changes in behaviour to indirectly impact the outcome of events. For many individuals, spiritual beliefs play a major role in daily confrontations with stressful events.

One of the important parts of hopeful resilience is a survival –based trust. Individuals who believe others can and will help them are more likely to solicit and receive comfort and support. By survival-based trust, we mean a particular form of trust – a belief in the willingness and capacity of others to provide help during stressful times.

The first five or six years of life can be critical for the development of survival-based trust. Maybe you felt abandoned or betrayed as a child and now find it difficult to trust others. Can you really go back and shore up your resiliency?

If your resiliency is being hampered by trust issues, keep the following five Rs in mind:

• Respect
• Research
• Risk
• Receptiveness
• Repetition

First, respect your individuality. Some people are genetically predisposed to be more outgoing and assertive than others. Extroverts may do better with a larger network of relationships that are moderate in emotional intensity. Introverts can make up for their typically smaller circle of friends by cultivating more intense bonds.

You will not look for something unless you believe in its existence. Those who have frequently been let down by others may cease to believe that there is still goodness in the world. If you have had disappointing relationships, do a little social experiment. Consider it your job to research and find examples of what writer Anne Herbert called “random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.” Watch a “feel-good” movie or read a heart warming tale from a compilation such as the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Another great collection of inspiring personalities can be found in Hope Dies Last by Studs Terkel. If you are religiously or spiritually inclined, consider doing some research on the lives of saints, prophets, or humanists.

Some risk might be necessary to lead a hopeful life. The philosopher Gabriel Marcel wrote that “openness allows hope to spread”. How do you achieve an effective degree of openness? Think of your task in terms of boundary making. The invisible yet palpable emotional barriers that exist between individuals are often referred to as boundaries. Your goals in this area should revolve around the concepts of symmetry and degree of relatedness. To ensure symmetry, match your level of disclosure and commitment to others’ capacities for sharing and intimacy. Meet them halfway, in other words. If you go less than halfway, the person who is more open might experience you as distant. However, if you go more than halfway, the person, who is more reticent, might view you as intrusive.

You must also consider the nature of your relationship with the other person. Are you trying to connect with a friend, a lover, a parent, or a child? Recall the advice of Confucious, who proposed guidelines for maintaining different kinds of relationships. Also consider the wisdom offered in Tolstoy’s War and Peace, when Andrei tells his friend Pierre, “You can’t everywhere and at all times say everything that is on your mind.”

It is important to repeat the research and risk steps. Don’t give up if you are disappointed at the outset. Keep on trying, and you will discover that there are kind and generous individuals in the world who are willing to listen and even provide direct assistance. There are sources of goodness in the world, and the more you look, the more you will find.

Regaining trust takes time. We speak of building and earning trust for a reason: It doesn’t happen overnight. You need patience and perseverance to build hope.

"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby." – Ruth E. Renkel

The Power of Hope by Anthony Scioli, PH.D and Henry B. Biller, PH.D

Building Resilience - Find Your Islands of Competence

Just as the manner in which we understand and respond to setbacks in an integral part of a resilient mindset so too, is the way we react to successes in our lives. Think about how you understand your achievements. 
Those who are resilient view their accomplishments as based upon their own resources and strengths. This doesn’t mean they fail to acknowledge the support of others. Rather, they don’t dismiss or minimize what they have achieved. 
In contrast, people who are not resilient tend to attribute their success to factors outside their control such as luck or chance or fate. Consequently, they are not as confident or optimistic about being successful in the future. There is another feature of resilient people we wish to highlight. While they do not deny their vulnerabilities, they are able to identify their strengths or what we call their “islands of competence”. 

What would you list as your islands of competence?

How to find your "real" islands of competence? The power to discover it lies in the potential that was bequeathed you at birth. Latent and undeveloped, the seeds of greatness were planted. You were given magnificent “birth-gifts”-talents, capacities, privileges, intelligences, opportunities-that would remain largely unopened except through your own decision and effort. Open these gifts. Learn with Stephen Covey host to open  your islands of competence,  your voice, your calling, your soul’s code. 

"People are internally motivated by their own four needs: to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy. When they overlap, you have voice-your calling, your soul’s code." - Stephen R. Covey. Key Message.

Q: How do you define “voice”?

A: Voice is the overlapping of the four parts of our nature: our body, our mind, our heart, and our spirit. These also represent the four intelligences: our IQ for the mind, our EQ for the heart, our SQ for the spirit, and our PQ for the body.

To help you find this, answer these 4 questions.

1. What are you good at? That’s your mind.

2. What do you love doing? That’s your heart.

3. What need can you serve? That’s the body.

4. And finally, what is life asking of you? What gives your life meaning and purpose? What do you feel like you should be doing? In short, what is your conscience directing you to do? That is your spirit.

Q: Is finding your voice an evolving process, or can it happen all at once like a light bulb going on in your head?

A: I think that it can happen all at once, but more so, I think it is an evolving process. As people grow up, they are exposed to different fields of knowledge and different experiences. They don’t yet know what they’re good at or even what they will like doing. Once they have this exposure and education and they start getting involved, they start to find satisfaction, and that leads to success as it begins to give them a sense of their voice or what they really love doing that they do well. For some people, it does comes like a flash of light, but it is usually preceded by someone who really deeply believes in them-sees their strengths and affirms them when they don’t see their own potential themselves. This creates an opportunity for that voice to be developed and expressed. This happened with me.

Q: Is the process of finding your voice the same for an individual as it is for an organization that is trying to find its voice?

A: That’s a very interesting question and I think in a very real sense, it is the same. But because an organization is made up of many different individuals who have different voices and a different sense of what gives them meaning and their life purpose, it takes communication processes where people are genuine and authentic with each other in expressing what they really care about. However, people gradually get a sense of what the organization stands for, what it loves doing and does well, and what it feels like it should be doing. So, there is kind of a collective form of the four intelligences that overlaps and develops in an evolutionary way.

Q: How can we help someone find his or her voice?

A: I think if you care about people genuinely, you listen to them and observe them; because this is more than just hearing them speak, it is observing them-observing where their excitement is, where their enthusiasm is; observing where you sense they have potential.

Sometimes it is very powerful just to say to them in sincerity, “I believe you have great potential in this area. I see real strengths in you that you may not see in yourself, and I would like to create an opportunity for you to use those strengths and to develop this potential. Would you be interested in that?” 

Most people are so flattered by someone who sincerely cares for them and affirms their work and potential that they are moved and inspired by that kind of input. It’s very powerful and it can make all of the difference, particularly with people who grow up with a confused lifestyle, bad modeling, and basic education. Often they have no clue as to what life is about or what they are about until someone becomes a teacher to them-a mentor, a confirmer, and a coach. This kind of mentoring is becoming increasingly important in education, in relationships, and in work environments. It can make all of the difference as to whether a person takes a higher road to his or her own voice or a lower road to where he or she is swallowed up by the priorities and voices of others.

http://www.stephencovey.com/blog/

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Increase your Positivity

When was the last time You felt this feeling?
Where was You?
What was You doing?
What can You do now to cultivate this feeling?

When things are going well, many people think they are actually in control of events. That’s why they feel so defeated and depressed when things turn bad. The most consistently successful people in the world know they can’t control events – but continually work toward greater control over their creative responses to events.

One of the most powerful strategies to support your creative thinking, communications, and actions when events seem to be beyond their control is to Stay Positive & to Increase your Positivity, as well as know “negativity and light cannot occupy the same space at the same time”.

Being Positive is your conscious decision in your life in which thinking daily positive thoughts and taking positive actions, become the habit, priority and the guiding philosophy in life.

We hope that these 6 ways of positivity outlined in this article will support your creative thinking, communications , and actions.

JOY

Joy feels bright and light. Colors seem more vivid. There’s a spring in your step. And your face lights up with a smile and an inner glow. You feel playful – you want to jump in and get involved.

What gives you that feeling?

There are many sources of joy. For some people, the first moments that you held your newborn were perhaps the most joy filled in the life. Or, perhaps, your co-workers have just surprised you with a birthday party. Or you open a letter to find an unexpected bonus.

What brings you joy? When the last time you felt this feeling?

INTEREST

Interest is when something new or different draws your attention, filling you with a sense of passivity or mystery. You’re pulled to explore, to immerse yourself in what you’re just now discovering. It’s when you see a new path in the woods and want to find out where it leads.

It’s when you uncover a new set of challenges that allow you to build your skills, whether in cooking, dancing or education. When you are interested, you feel open and alive. You can literally feel your horizons expanding in real time, and with them your own possibilities. You open new ideas, new tools, new energies, and new resources. As the world changes, opportunities suddenly become available to achieve far more than you ever did in the past.

HOPE

Scientists filled a jar with water, placed it in total darkness and dropped a rat into it. The rat struggled for three munities, gave up and drowned.

Next they plunged another rat into an identical jar, but allowed a ray of light to shine into it. This rat kept swimming for thirty-six hours – more than seven hundred times longer than the one in the dark!

The difference? Hope.

The rat in the dark, having no hope, gave up almost immediately. The rat that could see continued to hope and swam until it ran out of energy. If hope affects laboratory animals that much, how much more can it affect people?

It’s been said that a person can live forty days without food, four days without water, four minutes without air, but only four seconds without hope. Everyone needs hope.

Deep within the core of hope is the belief that things can change. No matter how awful or uncertain they are at the moment, things can turn out better. Possibilities exist. With hope, we become energized to do as much as we can to make a good life for ourselves and for others.

Where is the first place you turn for hope, when you have a need?

GRATITUDE

When times get tough, everyone has to make a fundamental decision: to complain or to be grateful. Complaining only attracts negative thoughts and people. Gratitude, on the other hand, creates the opportunity for the best thinking, actions, and results to emerge. Focus on everything that you are grateful for. We can feel grateful for breathing clean air, having able bodies, or having a safe and comfortable place to rest.

The film and social movement Pay It Forward is a great example of gratitude in action. It started with one boy doing three good deeds for three others. The one request the young benefactor had was that instead of paying the favor back, the recipients should pay it forward, to three new people , in some creative way.

When was the last time you felt grateful – not polite but truly and openly grateful?

PRIDE

Pride is one of the so-called “self-conscious emotions”. We all know its evil cousins, shame and guilt. These painful feelings overcome us when we are to blame for something bad. Pride is the opposite: we are “to blame” for something good.

Pride is clearly a positive emotion. Pride blooms in the wake of an achievement you can take credit for. You invested your effort and skills and succeeded. It’s that good feeling you get when you achieve something in school or at work. Or when you recognize that you made a difference to someone else, through your help, kindness, or guidance.

The mindscape of pride is expansive as well. It kindles dreams of further and larger achievements in similar domains: If I can do this, maybe I can….open my own business……landscape the fount yard……..redesign the living room…………make the Olympic team…….be promoted…..make a difference in the world. In this way, pride fuels the motivation to achieve.

What makes you proud? And what has pride inspired you to do?

LOVE

Love is not a single form of positivity. It’s all of the above, encompassing joy, gratitude, interest, hope, pride and inspiration. What transforms these other forms of positivity into love is their context. When these good feelings stir our hearts within a safe, often close relationship, we call it love.

In the early stages of a relationship, tied up within your initial attraction, you’re deeply interested in anything and everything this new person says and does. You laugh together, share time together, and as your relationship builds and perhaps surpasses your expectations, it brings great joy. You begin to share your hopes and dreams for your future together. You are grateful for the joys your beloved brings into your life, as proud of their achievements as you are of your own. Each of these moments could equally be described as a moment of love. Viewing love in this way can also sharpen your ability to see love as a momentary state – as a surge – and not simply as a description of one of your relationships with your partner, child or parent.

Think of a time when you felt love surge within you.

Resources:
Positivity By Barbara Fredrickson
The Power of Hope By Don Clowers
The “Scary Times” Success Manual By Dan Sullivan

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Anger Management Using the Compliment Sandwich

The next time someone hurts your feelings or offends you, instead of bottling things up or exploding, why not try something new and give a compliment sandwich?
You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

Do you ever find yourself getting more and more angry and frustrated while trying to explain what is bothering you?

Perhaps you feel like others are not really listening to you or trying to understand things from your perspective. In such circumstances, you may end up raising your voice or becoming verbally or even physically abusive. Unfortunately, responding in this manner usually decreases your chances of being listened to with empathy and compassion.

Another maladaptive way of handling your feelings, perhaps out of fear of losing control, is to work extra hard at keeping everything bottled up inside. What happens here is similar to what happens when a balloon keeps filling up with more and more air. The balloon will expand as far as it can and then eventually pop.

However, if the balloon periodically releases some of its air, the likelihood is it will never reach that point of popping. Similarly, a person who uses assertive communication will be much less likely to become explosive. As one of the eight core anger management techniques, assertive communication involves honestly and effectively communicating your feelings while doing so in a nonhostile fashion.

Perhaps most challenging when using assertive communication is to express your feelings without the other person becoming angry or defensive. What makes this so difficult is that people, for the most part, do not like to be criticized. Telling somebody what they did wrong, what you do not like about their behavior, or how they hurt your feelings can very easily trigger a negative reaction.

One of the most effective ways of using assertive communication is by using a technique known as the Compliment Sandwich

To help illustrate, here is an example of the Compliment Sandwich:

The meat of the sandwich (your complaint, criticism, or concern) is surrounded by two pieces of bread (compliments or positive feedback).
In order to minimize defensiveness, you would begin with a compliment (the first piece of bread), then present the main message that you are trying to communicate (the meat), and then finish with another compliment (the second piece of bread).

 Example:

I have always considered you to be one of my best friends (first compliment / positive feedback).So when I heard that you were talking behind my back, I felt really hurt. What I need is for you to talk to me directly and not get others involved (critical feedback).You have always been there for me in the past and I know I can still count on you (second compliment /positive feedback).

As you can see in the aforementioned example, the Compliment Sandwich made it possible for an important communication to be made in a nonhostile manner. By opening and closing with positive feedback, a friendly tone was set and an important message was able to be conveyed.

Rather than aggressively attack the other person and risk making matters worse or bottle things up and become potentially explosive, this type of communication allows one to get things off his or her chest without putting the other person on the defensive.

There are, however, a few key suggestions for using the Compliment Sandwich effectively. 

First, it is essential that your praise be genuine. As challenging as it may seem with some of the more difficult people in your life, you should be able to think of at least two things to say that are both complimentary and sincere. It may take some extra thought on your part, but there is almost always something positive that you can say. 

It is also important to avoid overuse of this technique so that your words do not appear to be contrived. Finally, your compliments should in some way be related to the critical message that you are trying to convey. This is necessary in order for the conversation to flow smoothly and to feel genuine. 

Thus, the example provided earlier would lose its effectiveness if the compliments seemed to be out of left field (e.g., “I have always admired your dancing ability.” and “You are such a terrific football player.”). These compliments may be genuine, but have absolutely nothing to do with your friend talking behind your back. 

By properly using anger management techniques such as the Compliment Sandwich, you can minimize the potential cost of anger. Health problems, impaired self-esteem, damaged relationships, emotional scarring of one’s children, and a drop in productivity at work are all potential outcomes of uncontrolled anger. On the other hand, when channeled properly, anger can have many benefits.

So the next time someone hurts your feelings or offends you, instead of bottling things up or exploding, why not try something new and give a compliment sandwich? You might be pleasantly surprised by the results.

- by Dr. Lyle Becourtney, licensed psychologist

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Your Positivity Ratio

People think angels fly because they have wings.
Angels fly because they take themselves lightly.  ANONYMOUS

Negativity can poison our lives, our relationships, and how we feel about ourselves. It can give us the sense of being overwhelmed and trapped, that we’re bringing down those we love, and failing to cope. Positivity can make a real difference. World-renowned Positive Psychologist Dr Barbara Fredrickson brings twenty years of research in her revolutionary science to help you defeat your negative emotions.

Take the positivity self-test now and calculate your Positivity Ratio for today. Then practice our New Toolkit  to Increase Positivity in Your Life. Find what works best for you. Try them out for 2 weeks and take a test again.  We promise that your Positivity Ratio will increase by 50%. Try it now! Share with us your results!

Your New Toolkit to Increase Positivity in Your Life by 50% in 2 weeks!

1. Be Open

The goal here is to experiment with mindful awareness while carrying out your day. Make your motto “be open”. Temporarily rid your mind of expectations and judgments. All too often these cloud your ability to be open. Instead, give yourself permission and time to experience the richness of the present moment. No matter what you encounter, no matter what happens, experiment with both awareness and acceptance. Attend to what’s happening without trying or wishing for change. There’s no need to view any of the thoughts, feelings, or sensations that come to mind as disruptions that must be suppressed. Instead, acknowledge them, appreciate them, and allow them to pass. Tell yourself, “It is what it is”, and simply observe. Mindful awareness casts a wider, more accepting stance toward the present moment than is typical. Watch what feelings emerge as you experiment with openness.

2. Create High-Quality Connections

Truly connecting with others can be a breath of fresh air. Any social interaction – whether with family, co-workers, or the person ahead of you in line at the post office – is a chance to create a high-quality connection. High-quality connections are life-giving. You recognize them instantly by several telltale signs: they foster mutual appreciation and encourage truly being or doing things together; they recharge your energy and your vitality; they bring real physiological changes.

According to Jane Dutton, cofounder of the Centre for Positive Organisational Scholarship at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, there are four ways to build high-quality connections. The first is respectful engagement. Be present, attentive, and affirming. The second is to support what the other person is doing. Do what you can to help her succeed. The third is trust. Believe you can depend on this person to meet your expectations, and let it show. The fourth way is play. Allow time simply to mess around, with no particular outcomes in mind. Engaging with others in one or more of these ways transforms ordinary or corrosive interchanges with others into end-less sources of genuine positivity.

3. Cultivate Kindness

This exercise draws from research done by Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness. Give yourself the goal of performing five new acts of kindness of a single day. Aim for actions that really make a difference and come at some cost to you, such as donating blood, helping your neighbour with her yard work. Or figuring out a better way that your ailing father might manage his chronic pain. Be both creative and thoughtful. Notice the good feelings that come with increasing your kindness: the positive connection to the person you helped, the fitting sense of pride you get from making a contribution. Try it for a few months and see the difference it makes.

4. Dispute Negative Thinking

This exercise is adapted from the Penn Resilience Program, a depression-prevention effort rooted in cognitive-behavioral therapy that teaches non-negative thinking. For this , you’ll need a set of index cards. On each one, write one of your typical negative thoughts, such as “Why hasn’t she called by now? Doesn’t she care about me?”. What is important here is to write down negative thoughts that are realistic and truly yours. Capture your inner critic, that voice in your head that’s sceptical of you, of others, and of everything around you – the voice of ill will.

Once you have written out your set of usual suspects, shuffle the cards and pick one at random. Read it out loud. Then – as fast and as thoroughly as you can - dispute it! Do it out loud and with some conviction. What are the facts here? When you’re satisfied that you’ve shot down your menacing negativity with your rapid-fire facts, move on the next card. Repeat. As you work your way through your negativity deck, let your conviction grow as you become a seasoned disputer. Whenever you find gratuitous negativity lurking in your mind, externalize it by adding it to your deck of cards. Challenge yourself to meet it out in the open – out loud – with your rapid-fire facts.

Negative thoughts roll out automatically, against your best intentions. Your goal with this exercise is to become just as quick with disputation as you are with negative thoughts. Nip them in the bud with your fast facts, before they have a chance to blanket your day with doom and gloom.

5. Find Nearby Nature

When the weather is good, you need to be ready. Locate a dozen places you can get to in a matter of minutes that will connect you to green or blue, to trees, water, or sky. These have been shown to boost positivity. Perhaps a few natural spots bloom just steps from your door. If so, explore them thoroughly. Make them your own. Go to your library or local bookstore and pick up a guide to the walking trails and gardens in your area. Seek out more-natural sanctuaries: forests, rivers, meadows and oceans. Make these placed regular destinations, whether to exercise, socialize, or just be one with nature.

6. Learn and Apply Your Strengths

Once you’ve learned your strengths, the hard part follows: redesign your job and life so you can use them every day. Which aspects of your job or daily activities draw on your strengths? Which aspects squelch them? How might you devote more of your energy toward doing what you do best? What changes do you need to make to truly use your strengths each day?

7. Ritualize Gratitude

Being grateful simply requires that you notice the gifts that surround you. If you’re drawn to record your thoughts in writing, consider buying a handsome blank book to be your gratitude journal. In it, describe the things for which you’re grateful each day. Beyond simply listing good things in your life, one effective strategy is to describe why each good thing happened, in a few sentences. Or consider, for instance, reviving the time-honored ritual of saying grace before meals: either in your head or out loud, take a moment to offer your sincere thanks for the food that’s before you. You choose whom to thank, whether it be God, the earth, farmers, food handlers, chefs, or all of the above.

Or try “good ending “ritual. Good ending include an appreciative summary – an honest acknowledgment of the goodness that transpired prior to leave –taking. Take stock of what good has happened in that location. Thank the person or group, the place for supporting you or experiences that occurred there. You’d be surprised how many times each day you face endings. If departures become your cue to give thanks, this ritual will leave you afloat in gratitude each day.

8. Savor Positivity

We highly recommend reading:
5 Simple Ways to Get More Laughter Into Your Life

To experiment with savouring, you’ll need two things: first, a source of genuine love, joy, pride, or any other flavour of positivity in your life; second, a willingness to think differently about it. It doesn’t matter if your source of heartfelt positivity happened in the past, is happening now, or has not yet come to be. Practice with all three time frames. See which suits you best. The key is to think about the event in a way that stokes your positivity flames right now.

Allow yourself time to roll your mental images around in your mind. Look at them from all angles. Pump them up and then drink in their sweetness now. Now consider whether you can consolidate those memories further. Did you take any photos? Is so, perhaps you could organize them and select a few to frame or share. Do you love words? Then perhaps you could write a poem or story about the most radiant moment. Or simply strike up a conversation with someone who’d also appreciate these cherished moments.

Once you recognize how valuable good feelings are to your mindset and your future, savouring becomes easier. You’ll soon find that you can stretch and amplify your moments of heartfelt positivity simply by the way you attend to them.

9. Visualize Your Future

Imagine yourself ten years from now, after everything has gone as well as it possibly could. You have worked hard and succeeded at accomplishing all of the life goals you set for yourself. Imagine that you’ve reached your own best potential.

Try to write it every day for a week. Fill in all the details you can imagine. Describe your surroundings and your feelings.

After about a week, review what you’ve written. Draw out from your dreams a life mission. What purpose do you want to drive you – each and every day. Why do you get up in the morning, feed yourself, and bother to stay healthy? What is the meaning of your existence?

Take time to let your deepest hopes and dreams rise to the surface. Give those visions words. Get your ideas out on paper, then distil them to their essence by crafting a mission statement, short enough to memorize and serve as your touchstone. When you think you’ve got it right, put it to the eulogy test. If you were to carry out this mission, would your time on earth be well spent? Would others resonate with appreciating and admiration?

Now create a ten-year plan to help you meet your mission. Distill it to bullet points, so that your dreams can guide you through your decisions now.

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