Mindfulness as a Practice

Mindfulness meditation is a way of paying attention to your life, on purpose, in the present moment in a non attached way. By observing, non judging or analysing thoughts and feelings, allowing them to ‘come’ and ‘go’ as they come and go. Mindfulness is an intentional way of ‘being’ in life. The present moment is emphasised – the past is in the past and the only influence we can have over the future is to live fully and consciously in the ‘now’.

Being mindful allows us to be aware of important feelings and other problems that interfere with the daily management of life’s difficulties – this then allows us to make conscious effective decisions about life challenges. The opposite of mindfulness is ‘mindlessness’ where our thoughts and actions can limit our conscious decisions.

Mindfulness Creates Awareness

What happens when we are not being aware?

• Denial

• Repeating negative mistakes

• Feeling powerless

• Feeling anger

• Internal conflict

• Feeling paralysed

What happens when we are aware?

• We can identify problems

• We can take positive steps to help ourselves

• We are not overwhelmed by intense horrible feelings and emotions

• We become aware of negative automatic responses in behaviour and thinking

• We participate fully and consciously in our life

• We are able to focus on one thing at a time

When we are mindful we are letting go of trying to control, avoid or suppress negative thoughts or feelings by observing our experience in a different way.

This way of being takes practice and is different to other forms of mediation whereby you are ‘taking yourself away’ from thoughts and feelings by using relaxation techniques, positive thinking, or visualising something nice.

This way of being is about discovering what is going on in your mind, of becoming aware of your inner thoughts and being able to ‘be’ with them – this awareness helps stop rumination, going over past negative situations and over analysing intrusive thoughts and feelings.

Mindfulness takes patience and practice and takes time to develop, it is more a way of being than something you sit and do. Over time you will develop new habits and develop new skills to break free from limiting or unhelpful habits.

Start to practice now:

Start by consciously practicing for 10 minutes each day.

• Find a comfortable chair and sit in a relaxed and alert posture.
• Pay attention to your breathing to each breath in and out. This will ground you in the present and allow you to move into a state of consciousness and stillness.
• Ask yourself ‘what am I experiencing right now” and observe yourself in the present with whatever is happening. Identify any thoughts or feelings you have and stay with them... until they pass. Focus back on your breathing.

There may be other sensations you experience besides thoughts or feelings – you may be aware of bodily sensations...allow them, don’t analyse and wait for them to pass.

If painful or negative emotions or feeling occur... just watch them, don’t get caught up in them.. they will pass.

Label feelings and emotions eg. ‘that’s a sad feeling’ that’s an ‘angry thought’ NOT ‘I am sad’, ‘I am angry’.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUTHTS AND FEELINGS – THEY ARE JUST THOUTHS AND FEELINGS.. they will pass. Allow them to drift away and they will gradually decrease in intensity and frequency.

With practice you will become the observer and witness to your experience. By embracing the full range of what we experience as human beings including pain in all its various forms, worry, anxiety, impatience, anger, grief, sadness, loneliness, anguish and despair we can lessen the power they have over our lives and move into an enhanced state of awareness.

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness and how it can benefit you please contact our counselling unit for an appointment 02 9542 4029.

Deborah, Counsellor at Enough is Enough

Male Victims of Domestic Violence

Why am I letting this happen?

The term domestic violence covers a wide range of unacceptable behaviour within the family and may take many forms. Violence can take the form of emotional or psychological abuse as well as physical assault. Indirect violence (threats, verbal abuse and denigration) may, in certain cases, be as detrimental as actual violence. It has been estimated that in 100 domestic violence cases, 40% of these were against men, 60% against women.

Men who are abused by women often suffer in silence because they are afraid that no one will believe them or take them seriously. In addition to the shame shared by many women victims of domestic violence, men must overcome gender stereotypes. 

Many men are too embarrassed to admit that they are being abused. Traditional gender roles also confuse the matter. A 'real man' is expected to be able to "control" his wife. Aside from the embarrassment over admitting abuse, abused men may feel that they are somehow less of a man for "allowing" themselves to be abused. 

"It hits your self-esteem as a man because you do catch yourself thinking "why am I letting this happen?".

But just like abused women are told when they suffer physical violence, abuse is never the victim's fault. This is no less true just because the victim happens to be male. It's difficult for men to ask for support.

How Domestic Violence Affects Men

The researchers found domestic violence is associated with serious, long-term effects on men's mental health. 
Women are more likely than men to experience more severe physical abuse, "But even nonphysical abuse can do lasting damage."(1) 
Depressive symptoms were nearly three times as common in older men who had experienced abuse than in those who hadn't, with much more severe depression in the men who had been abused physically.

What Makes the Women Turn Violent  Against the Men

Here are just some reasons why a woman turns violent against a man. Same with the above signs, these reasons are also found on men who are violent against women:

• The woman is an alcoholic. As a result, she is not able to control her impulses and gets easily frustrated. If her partner tries to stop her or tries to reason with her, she might get violent and turn against her partner.

• The woman has psychological problems. Personality disorders may cause a woman to commit domestic violence against the man.

• The woman has unrealistic expectations or unrealistic demands. Women who have unrealistic expectations or who give unrealistic demands from their partners or the men get easily frustrated, depressed, anxious or irritable. Such reactions may very well turn them violent. To top it all, these women would refuse to get treatment or to let their men help them. As a result, the cycle continues.

How to Know if You're a Victim of Domestic Violence

The signs that the men are also victims of domestic violence are much, much similar to the signs of domestic violence against women. Here are just some of these signs:

• The woman calls the man bad names, insults him (publicly or privately) and tries to put him down every chance she has.
• The woman tries to stop the man from going to work or to public places. She also tries to prevent him from seeing his family members and friends.
• The woman threatens the man with violence and harm, particularly when she is under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
•  The woman actually hits or hurts the man by kicking, punching, slapping, shoving or choking him. Or the woman may do the same things to their children or pets.
• The woman takes advantage of the man sleeping or resting and assaults him when he is in no position to defend himself.
• The woman threatens to leave the man and to take their children with her if he will attempt to go against her or to fight back.
• Despite all of above, the woman blames the man for her behaviour!

Tips for the Male Victim of Domestic Violence

Take the violence seriously  

Many men are inclined to find it amusing when the 'little woman' lashes out at them. (In one survey of college students, 20% of men who had been attacked by their girlfriends thought it was funny). Violence that seems harmless at first can escalate.

The first time she hits you, tell her that if there's a second time, it will be the last time she sees you - and act on it.

Don't hit back

 If you're an average sized man and your partner is an average sized woman, you can do major damage with a single blow. You will feel much better about yourself if you don't retaliate in kind. However, physically restraining the batterer is ordinarily not an acceptable alternative.

Don't keep it a secret

 If you cannot easily leave (because of the children, for example) let someone know what is happening. Overcome the embarrassment and call the police. Talk to a counselor, to your doctor, to family members.

Speak out about your experience as a victim of abuse. Perhaps domestic violence would no longer be perceived as merely a woman's issue.

What To Do In Our Community

Many domestic violence services are aimed mostly at helping a female population. University found that when an abused man called the police, the police were more likely to arrest him than to arrest his abusive female partner. This is partly the result of primary aggressor laws, which encourage police to discount who initiated and committed the violence but instead look at other factors that make them likelier to arrest men. 

When the men tried calling domestic-violence hot lines, 64% were told the hot lines helped only women, and more than half were referred to programs for male domestic-violence perpetrators.(2)

Work to ensure that male domestic-violence victims will not lose their children in custody proceedings. Ms Hines (2) fond that the biggest reason male domestic-violence victims hesitate to leave their wives/girlfriends is concern for their children. If they leave, their children are left unprotected in the hands of a violent mother. If they take their children, when they're found, the children will be taken away and given to the mother. Moreover, the men are likely to lose custody of their children in the divorce/custody proceeding in any event.

When safe, the domestic violence system needs to treat violent couples as violent couples, instead of shoehorning them into the "man as perp/woman as victim" model. Counselling services for violent couples are unnecessarily rare. Please call our Counselling Service for support and counselling on 02 9542 4029 (Sydney office).

Resources:

(1)    http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/05/19/domestic-violence-affects-men/2309.html

(2)    http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/men.htm

Have you or any of your mates been a victim of domestic violence?
Tell your story to us!

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Cyberbullying

Recent research shows that 14% of children in Australia suffer from cyberbullying.

Generally, the internet is a highly valuable tool for people of all ages, for instant research and answers of any kind.
However, the internet has also given a new face to an old problem – bullying. The internet allows people to bully or get revenge, without physical confrontation. This ease of use is one of many reasons why cyber bullying is growing exponentially.
Cyberbullying is any form of bullying that is carried out using technology, especially the internet or mobile phones.

Cyberbullying can include:

Using mobile phones by texting or by using a camera

Sending threatening emails or forwarding nasty emails

Setting up malicious websitesInsulting or excluding someone in chatrooms

Frequency of cyber bullying methods

Cyberbullying is different to bullying that occurs in person because:

• It can take place 24/7 meaning it can be difficult to escape

• It can reach a wider audience

• The written word and/or pictures can be permanent and there for all to see

• It can be more secretive and is less easily detected

• It can be anonymous

Tips For Dealing With Cyberbullying

Be Proactive

Don’t wait until a problem occurs. Prevention is always the best approach. Protect your phone number. Only give it to friends, and keep a note of who you’ve given it to. Consider using caller ID blocking to hide your phone number when you call someone.

Don’t give your personal information to anyone you don’t know (or don’t want to know), including your name. Similarly, don’t leave your name on your voicemail as it confirms to the person doing the bullying that they’ve called the right number.

Have regular discussions with your child about how they might respond to cyberbullying if it occurs.

Don’t Respond

Don’t reply to the bully. Responding gives the bully the ‘kick’ they’re after. But it is essential that you encourage your child to tell you or a teacher or another adult when there is something concerning them. Reassure them they will not be trouble with you if they ever do.

Suggestions for Safe Behaviour

• Keep username and passwords secret. Make passwords and security questions hard for others to guess.

• Don’t tell anyone your name, where you live or other personal details which might help them identify you.

• Only put the friends you know on your contact lists.

• Don’t respond if someone says something that is not appropriate or makes you feel uncomfortable. Leave the site immediately.

• Be careful about what you say online; misunderstandings can occur more easily because there are no non-verbal cues when communication is not face to face.

Use Technology to Protect Your Family

Block and delete the individuals who bully your child online. Save the text, images, or the website that contains the bullying.

Also talk to your mobile phone company to see if they can help. Your phone company may be able to stop certain numbers calling you. They may also be able to provide you with a new phone number. Ask them about your options.

Make sure you keep a record of what has happened - include the date and the time. Keep messages. This information can be used as evidence.

Have a Rest From Technology

Encourage your child to turn their phone or computer off sometimes. This encourages them to lead a balanced life and can give them themselves a break from contact with individuals who harass them.

Try to buffer the impact of the cyber bullying by increasing other positive experiences

• Assist the development of self-esteem and self-confidence by helping the child to develop a broader sense of themselves – highlight their strengths, reassure them that they are loved and valued in the family, encourage and support their interests

• Create opportunities for them to expand their support networks outside of the bullying setting

• Help the child experience a sense of personal power and control in other areas of life such as involving them in some decision-making at home

• Reduce the child’ focus on the bullying by increasing the amount of other enjoyable and fun things in their life.

The Law

The law is on your side. People who bully believe that mobile phones and computers are a means of taunting their target anonymously. They are wrong. It’s a criminal offence to use a mobile phone or computer to intimidate, harass or offend another person. And almost all malicious contacts can now be traced.

At Enough is Enough, we have been discussing the issue of cyber bullying with parents and teachers in the Positive Solutions Bullying Resilience Program.

The issue is exacerbated by the amount of time children are permitted on the internet without supervision. If your child has a tool to get on to wireless internet in their bedroom, such as a computer, game console, Mobile phone etc., they have access to the net 24/7, and all the issues which can come with it.

Children can spend all night watching and responding to internet conversations, worried about comments made. This type of behaviour can destroy a child with low self esteem, exclusion in the real world and sleep deprivation. Parents need to go online, discover all the new portals their children are using ie Facebook, Twitter, MySpace etc., how they work, how communication can get out of hand, and how to set limits.

Then, if the internet tool is kept in a common area of the house, the child only has the time to use it in waking hours.

They have to be careful of the content they search, or comments they make, as an adult may walk past. As a condition of the child’s internet use, parents should have all usernames and passwords, not to be given to anyone else, and parents should make their children aware they will regularly check the internet use history, simply by clicking the favourites button on the home page.

Children should be advised never to share their usernames or passwords with anyone else, as their friends at school can change at a whim, then post negative comments on the child’s behalf without the child’s knowledge or permission.

The same goes for images. If an image is taken of your child by camera or phone, it takes less than one minute for that image to be on the internet, not only to everyone in a persons address book, but in cyberspace forever.

Comments and images can have legal repercussions for the person who the image is of, and the person distributing the image – this comes under the Child Sex Offenses ACT.

Remember:

• Check out Facebook, Twitter, Club Penguin and all other chat sites- learn how to use them

• Know your child’s usernames and passwords

• Tell your child not to share their usernames and passwords with anyone else

• Keep all internet tools in common areas of the house, not in their bedroom

• Advise your children to be aware of their behaviour in any public place, most electrical devices now include a camera

• Advise your children to be very careful of what photos are taken of them

See below for more advise and information sites on how to protect your family, and use the internet for the great research tool it is intended for.

Please click on this button to report abuse or receive help/advice on cyberbullying :

·         Report online child sexual exploitation
Report any inappropriate sexual behaviour towards a child.

·         Report inappropriate content
Report any Internet content which you believe is prohibited or inappropriate.

·         Report spam
Report spam to the Australian Communications and Media Authority.

·         Help and advice on cyber-bullying
Assistance on how to deal with cyber-bullying.

Note: This information is for people who live in Australia only.  For advice on reporting these issues from another country, please visit the Virtual Global Taskforce website.

Resources:
www.parentline.org.au

Trauma & Fear Associated With Natural Disasters

"The world breaks everyone and afterward some are srong at the broken places". - Ernest Hemingway

In a year where natural disasters seem to be the predominant theme; floods, earthquakes, nuclear plant explosions, tsunamis, we are bombarded with images of despair. We will all connect with and experience the collective fear of each other as human beings, to some extent we all will experience some of the trauma, fear and hopelessness in some way. These events also remind us of our fragility and how suddenly our lives and communities and the world can change.

As individuals these events will have a different meaning depending on past traumatic events experienced, the ensuing reactions can be experienced from mild anxiety to complex trauma – even if we experience these disaster ‘s first hand each experience will have a different meaning and response for each person.

Someone who has experienced traumatic events in childhood, or who has had many traumatic experiences will have a different response than someone who is experiencing trauma for the first time in their adult life.

The results of traumatic events become stored in our psyche and body energetically. When we experience a traumatic event our protective mechanism is usually the fight/flight response which enables us to deal with the fear or danger of the event at the time, what happens as time passes however is that the stored fear becomes anxiety which can surface at any time we feel under threat or are reminded of a traumatic event – these reminders can become ‘triggers’ to recreate the anxiety or trauma of the past. We often have no awareness at the time of the connection of the event and the trigger.

People who experience ongoing or repeated trauma can suffer ‘complex trauma’ which can leave them in a state of constant anxiety, commonly known as ‘generalised anxiety disorder’. The symptoms of anxiety can manifest as ‘panic attacks’, hypervigilence, difficulty sleeping, flashbacks, as well as physical symptoms such as high blood pressure, physical tension, and reduced immune response.

As a collective consciousness it is helpful to be aware of the effect these repeated images and stories of traumatic events and natural disasters can have on each of us. They can trigger stored memories of trauma or loss and grief.

“Nothing is so awful we can’t talk about it with someone” - Protective Behaviour Group

An experienced counsellor can help with understanding about uncomfortable symptoms and emotions and help you develop the inner resources to deal with them. For more information about our counselling service please call our office or email: support@enoughisenough.com.au

Deborah, Counsellor at Enough is Enough

What Lies Beneath?
The old saying "The Tip of the Iceberg" is so true because most of the iceberg is under the surface. We as human beings sometimes only see the "tip" in ourselves and others. This video provides you with the opportunity to explore for yourself: "What lies beneath of MY Iceberg?" and how it can relate to any negative emotions, reactions and responses that you would not like in your life.

Child Protective Behaviours

Protective behaviours can make a real difference in helping to keep your child safe, especially in combination with a positive parent-child relationship, good communication and appropriate supervision.

How does child abuse happen?

Child abuse happens when a person uses their power or authority to take advantage of a child’s trust, and involve them in an activity that is harmful to them. This may be physical or emotional harm, or it may involve sexual activity. Irrespective of the type of harm, it is important that children are protected. You can help protect your child by teaching them protective behaviours, or in other words, how to keep safe.

When should I start talking to my child about protective behaviours?

From a young age children inevitable spend increasing periods of time outside the direct supervision of their parents – for example, at child care, at school, with extended family, friends and neighbours. As soon as children can name their body parts and begin to understand and name feelings, parents can introduce the idea of protective behaviours.

At 3 years of age children are able to say NO and tell a parent if something has happened which has made them feel scared or uncomfortable. As children grow older more information can be given to them to help them keep safe. This is a process that can continue right through adolescence.

Protective behaviours are ideas that parents and carers need to talk about with children over time, gradually adding more detail and discussion of this topic as children grow older.

How do I talk to my child about protective behaviours?

You may wish to introduce the subject by reading an appropriate picture and story with them, even at pre-school or primary school age.

Day to day situations with your child also provide many opportunities for teaching new skills, such as when there is something relevant on TV or in a story, or during bath time or dressing.

Discussing road and water safety can be a good starting point to talk about other types of safety, such as personal safety.

There are also many general conversations in which to do this, such as when talking about body parts or sexuality issues, other adults in a supervisory role, or any problem involving new experiences or a degree of risk – for example bullying, teasing, situations that provoke anxiety or fear, or staying over at a friend’s house.

What does my child need to keep safe?

1. Children need to know what it means to feel safe

Talk to your child about what it means to feel safe. What does your child think of when they say the word “safe”. Ask your child what sorts of situations do they feel safe in and what sorts of situations they might feel scared in. Think back to your own childhood and give age appropriate examples to your child about situations you felt safe or unsafe.

2. Children need to be able to name and trust their feelings

Help your child to name their feelings, e.g. when they feel happy, sad, angry. When your child has a feeling encourage them to describe what is happening to their body at that time. Discuss with your child what is happening to their five senses when they feel safe i.e. their sense of touch, smell, sight, taste, sound. Ask them to tell you how their body feels when they are frightened, e.g. they might feel funny in the tummy, their knees might shake, they might get a headache or start to perspire, or they might feel like running away.

You can help your child to identify situations in which it is fun to feel a little scared (such as during a scary movie), or when feeling scared is uncomfortable (such as when somebody hurts or teases them), and situations where they feel safe and comfortable (such as when they are signing songs or watching a funny TV show). This process helps children to identify their feelings.

3. Children need to know that it is OK to express their feelings

It is important that children are encouraged to express their feelings, even those feelings which may make others feel uncomfortable. A child who is always told to “shut-up and stop crying” learns that their feelings do not matter. A child who has the confidence and opportunity to express their feelings is in a much better position to keep themselves safe.

You can help your child to express their feelings by listening to them, accepting and understanding their feelings, and by being someone who shares their own feelings.

Encourage them to say NO when situations make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe. It may not always be possible for a child to say No because of fear or threat of violence. When teaching children to say no, let them know that they must seek help later by telling a responsible adult.

4. Teach children about their bodies

Talk to children about the names of their body parts, including private parts. Tell them the proper names as well as the more commonly used terms. Bath time is a good opportunity to do this, and to explain that their bodies are their own and nobody should touch them in a way that makes them feel confused or uncomfortable. Let children know that it is not OK for others to touch their private parts, unless someone is helping them with toileting or at the doctors.

5. Good touches / bad touches

Introduce ideas about good and bad touches by talking about how nice a hug or kiss can be. Explain that people often show they care about or love someone by touching them.

Children often touch pets to show them how they feel. Talking about pets can be useful example to use to talk about the likes and dislikes a pet might have when they are touched in different ways.

You can also ask your child about the kinds of touches they like and dislike , e.g. being tickled. When talking to young children about tickling, help them to understand that something might be fun at first, but they are right to say NO when it is not fun for them anymore.

6. Sometimes adults do things that are not OK..

Explain to children that sometimes even people who are good do things that are not OK.

7. Talk to children about good secrets and bad secrets

People who abuse children often depend upon the child to keep secrets. It is important to teach children to say No to this request.

In some families, children are taught to keep surprises but not to keep secrets. A surprise is information that will eventually be shared, such as a present or party.

Another idea is to teach children the difference between good and bad secrets. Children should always tell a trusted adult if anyone asks them to keep a secret about things that make them feel embarrassed, or uncomfortable.

8. Talk to children about “tricks”

Explain that sometimes people may try to trick children into doing things they don’t like, by offering presents, money, or sweets. Teach your child to say they need to ask mum or dad first, and then leave to get help. Your child should be encouraged to tell you if someone tries to trick them.

9. Encourage your child to tell someone they trust if they don’t feel safe

Assure them that there is nothing they can’t talk about it with someone they trust, no matter how awful it seems. While parents hope that their child will talk to them if something happens, they may not always be available to help straight away. Help your child to develop a network of trusted adults whom they can talk to if they are feeling unsafe or worried by a problem. Make sure these adults are aware of their role.

Explain to your child that sometimes the adult they tell may not understand or may say “Don’t be silly”. Reassure them that they should keep on telling until someone does believe them and does something to help.

10. Practice how your child might respond

You and your child can practice what to do in possible risky situations, e.g. if they were locked out of home; if mum or dad were late picking them up from school; if somebody at school started to bully them; if someone approached them in the park. Make sure that your child includes a response which involves telling an adult.

11. What about overnight visits?

Be sensible about knowing who is looking after your child. Meet their friend’s parents and other adults who may be in the home. Encourage children to talk about how their time was after they’ve been away from your care. Try to make sure that your child is always supervised well, as this helps to prevent unsafe situations.

Remember:

• Teach your child to memorise their name, address and phone number
• Teach your child about dialling 000 in emergency situations. Provide them with a phone card or coins and teach them how to use a public and private telephone
• Encourage respect for privacy with your child’s bodies and their bedrooms.
• Find out if there is a Protective Behaviours Program at your child’s school. Be ready to answer any questions!
• Help your child to feel good about themselves – this makes them much less vulnerable

Useful Number:

Enough is Enough Anti Violence Counselling Services: 02 9542 4029

Parent Line: 1300 1300 52

Department of Community Services: 13 21 11

Police: 000

Enough is Enough thanks for this article Parent Line Australia.

Finding Inspiration

Without inspiration, musicians struggle to compose, writers are blocked, painters languish before an empty canvas, & actors betray their characters. Feeling inspired rivets your attention, warms your heart, and draws you in. It creates the urge to do your best so that you can reach your own higher ground. It’s a form of positivity  that pulls us out of our shell of self-absorption.

The word inspiration suggests that something has been ‘taken inside’ the individual. Philosopher Ignacio Gotz called it “one of the most mysterious moments in anyone’s life, the instant when things ‘click’ and fall neatly in place, or a new idea flashes in the dark.” He explained it as follows: The mysterious instant goes by many names: inspiration, enlightenment, illumination, intuition, insight, vision, revelation, and discovery... Religious mystics speak of ecstasy and satori; poets, painters, musicians, dancers, and historians invoke their Muses; while scientists and mathematicians, parsimonious and prosaic, claim only hunches and intuitions.

Individuals find inspiration in many ways. For example, when psychologist Robert Ornstein tried to research this topic, he found that there were nearly as many sources of inspiration as people in his study. Australian health researchers Debbie Kralik and Kerry Telford asked individuals who were suffering from various chronic illnesses where they turned for inspiration. The responses were diverse, encompassing religion and loving relationships as well as the sound of birds in the morning, friends, and one’s own endurance. In addition, a number of people cited an inspiring role model who had shown great courage in similar or even worse circumstances.

All sources of inspiration can be captured in two basic strategies: inside out or outside in.

Kids Drawings as Photographic Inspiration:
Korean Photographer Yeondoo Jung uses children's artwork as inspiration for his photos. His exhibit Wonderland has shown in Beijing China, Barcelona Spain and New York.

You can try an inside –out approach to discover inspiration from within, or you can adopt an outside-in technique to draw inspiration from the external world.

If you seek inspiration from within, you can begin by using a simple but powerful technique recommended by many self-help gurus, including the late Dale Carnegie. Challenge yourself with empowering questions. For example, you might try the following: ‘I work hard. I have skills and talent. Why can’t I be just as successful as my co-worker?”

If you are interested in finding inspiration from the external world, read widely, make contact with nature, visit new places, or watch inspirational films. Researchers have found that music can be a powerful source of inspiration. You can select songs to fit your particular needs.

If you are facing a difficult challenge, try to reframe it as a growth opportunity, or part of a larger life lesson. Committing oneself to some form or action can unleash previously dormant, powerful inner forces. You may benefit from a combination of approaches. Many of those who have persevered, despite years of pain and adversity, have been able to combine a will to act with the belief that they are pursuing a higher calling.

Try IT!!

Perhaps you have tried some of the above suggestions but still feel mired in the hopeless grind of an uninspired life. The following guidelines are adapted from psyhchologist John Suler’s Internet posting.

For a period of at least four hours, leave your home and go out somewhere. Don’t plan ahead. Just follow your instincts and go where your intuition leads you. Do this alone. If you encounter a friend or acquaintance, limit your time with them to just a few minutes.

As you move about, reflect on one or more big questions that you would like to answer such as “Who am I?”, “What is important for me?” and “What do I want from life?”. 


Try to balance thinking and reflecting with moments of unfocused drifting.

Frequently remind yourself that you are on a quest, a search mission. Expect to find something and trust that insights will occur. Stay open to any sign or symbol that might provide you with inspiration. It could be something that happens to you or something you see or hear. Bring a notebook and a pen. Every half hour or so, sit down and write. Note your reactions, including your thoughts, your feelings, and your insights. If you’re feeling anxious, frustrated, or bored, ask yourself why and write about this aspect of your experience. If nothing important has happened, you should reflect and write about this as well.

For some, the call to mastery will reflect a universal tune such as the impulse to be a good parent, teacher, artist, plumber, farmer, or business owner. For others, it may consist of a more personal “mission in life”. In addressing your particular needs, you must look deep within, far ahead, and everywhere around. Only you can evaluate your success in life.

The Power of Hope by Anthony Scioli, PH.D and Henry B. Biller, PH.D

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Building Hopeful Resiliency – Trust Lessons

According to The Oxford English Dictionary, resiliency consists of the following: a tendency to rebound, an ability to return to a natural physical state, and the power of recovery. Hopeful resiliency involves a capacity for sustaining hope in times of stress and uncertainty. An individual who is resilient has the ability to bounce back from a crisis as well as a tendency to maintain emotional equilibrium in the midst of chaos.

There are many types of survival. Physical survival has been a preoccupation for most of human history. However, in this age of anxiety, you may be finding yourself far more focused on emotional survival. If you are older, have struggled with substance abuse, or have battled a mental illness, you may be most concerned with sustaining a sound mind. Perhaps you are especially worried about maintaining a particular lifestyle (social or economic survival). Understanding your particular needs is crucial.

Beyond individual needs and styles, there are significant coping differences that result from cultural factors. In the West, there is a greater focus on direct problem solving, or primary control processes. In the East, there is a preference for secondary control processes, which involve making subtle changes in behaviour to indirectly impact the outcome of events. For many individuals, spiritual beliefs play a major role in daily confrontations with stressful events.

One of the important parts of hopeful resilience is a survival –based trust. Individuals who believe others can and will help them are more likely to solicit and receive comfort and support. By survival-based trust, we mean a particular form of trust – a belief in the willingness and capacity of others to provide help during stressful times.

The first five or six years of life can be critical for the development of survival-based trust. Maybe you felt abandoned or betrayed as a child and now find it difficult to trust others. Can you really go back and shore up your resiliency?

If your resiliency is being hampered by trust issues, keep the following five Rs in mind:

• Respect
• Research
• Risk
• Receptiveness
• Repetition

First, respect your individuality. Some people are genetically predisposed to be more outgoing and assertive than others. Extroverts may do better with a larger network of relationships that are moderate in emotional intensity. Introverts can make up for their typically smaller circle of friends by cultivating more intense bonds.

You will not look for something unless you believe in its existence. Those who have frequently been let down by others may cease to believe that there is still goodness in the world. If you have had disappointing relationships, do a little social experiment. Consider it your job to research and find examples of what writer Anne Herbert called “random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.” Watch a “feel-good” movie or read a heart warming tale from a compilation such as the Chicken Soup for the Soul books. Another great collection of inspiring personalities can be found in Hope Dies Last by Studs Terkel. If you are religiously or spiritually inclined, consider doing some research on the lives of saints, prophets, or humanists.

Some risk might be necessary to lead a hopeful life. The philosopher Gabriel Marcel wrote that “openness allows hope to spread”. How do you achieve an effective degree of openness? Think of your task in terms of boundary making. The invisible yet palpable emotional barriers that exist between individuals are often referred to as boundaries. Your goals in this area should revolve around the concepts of symmetry and degree of relatedness. To ensure symmetry, match your level of disclosure and commitment to others’ capacities for sharing and intimacy. Meet them halfway, in other words. If you go less than halfway, the person who is more open might experience you as distant. However, if you go more than halfway, the person, who is more reticent, might view you as intrusive.

You must also consider the nature of your relationship with the other person. Are you trying to connect with a friend, a lover, a parent, or a child? Recall the advice of Confucious, who proposed guidelines for maintaining different kinds of relationships. Also consider the wisdom offered in Tolstoy’s War and Peace, when Andrei tells his friend Pierre, “You can’t everywhere and at all times say everything that is on your mind.”

It is important to repeat the research and risk steps. Don’t give up if you are disappointed at the outset. Keep on trying, and you will discover that there are kind and generous individuals in the world who are willing to listen and even provide direct assistance. There are sources of goodness in the world, and the more you look, the more you will find.

Regaining trust takes time. We speak of building and earning trust for a reason: It doesn’t happen overnight. You need patience and perseverance to build hope.

"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there’s a light shining somewhere nearby." – Ruth E. Renkel

The Power of Hope by Anthony Scioli, PH.D and Henry B. Biller, PH.D

A Cry From The Heart: Violent Video Games For Kids

Why are we so complacent and naive when it comes to kids’ exposure to violent media, specifically violent video games?

Why do adults give children violent video games or titillate them with war movies and war stories but baulk at exposing them to sexual pornography or mind-altering drugs and alcohol? The assault on their childhood is exactly the same.

Pilots use flight simulators to learn to fly. Motorists use driving simulators to learn to drive. This kind of visual imagery is a very powerful learning medium. Some children are “print aversive” and thus even more receptive to visual imagery than others.
Prof. Dave Grossman of West Point Military Academy uses the same violent video games that our kids play with; to teach army recruits and policemen to overcome their natural reluctance to kill another human being.

Prof. Grossman calls violent video games; “killing simulators” because they’re such an effective medium to teach someone the will and the skill to kill” They are very effective in turning human beings into compliant automatons.

Prof. Grossman is so alarmed by the indiscriminate use of these killing simulators by kids that he has written a book, entitled: “Stop teaching our kids the will and the skill to kill”.

“So, what’s the solution?”
The solution is to arm the kids with knowledge.

We highly recommend to read:
5 Building Blocks of Active Parenting

Children learn best through play and imitation. So why do we choose violent play and violent imitation for our kids? The video industry , like the tobacco industry, is very aware of the toxicity and addictive nature of its product. Like the tobacco industry; it employs expert knowledge of our brain chemistry to optimise their sales (i.o. to enslave and secure sales) – callously disregarding the wellbeing of kids.

The United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child covers kids from birth to 18 yrs. Adolescents have recently been highlighted as the group most vulnerable to exploitation.
Awaken the kids to their exploitation by the video industry. Lift them up to a higher sense of self. They are worth more than lucrative indicators on the video industry share price index.
They have a higher value than meat for the market –i.e. the multi-million dollar video industry market.

Why do adults dump down on kids in this manner and add insult to injury with flaccid claims such as; “It’s good for you”- “for your hand-eye-coordination, for social interaction skills, for release of your pent-up aggression, for problem –solving, et. It doesn’t take much to see that these are the media industry’s flaccid pitch. But why are these claims so eagerly embraced by parents? It is because they are a very welcome conscience balm?

Even kids are smart enough to know that these skills can be learnt through many, many other forms of play, other than through a killing simulator. For, it doesn’t take much to discover the many non-violent games available that teach them all the above –named skills. These non-violent video games are just as much fun, just as challenging and offer the same degree of escapism as the violent ones.

The present generation of kids are the first wave of scapegoats of the video industry. The first wave of stupefied goats shepherded to the market – the unconscionable billion dollar video industry market.

The next generation of kids may have the necessary safeguards in place to protect them against the assault on their childhood by the unconscionable video industry moguls – but what about this generation?

It seems that for this generation; the stronger-minded, more awakened amongst them; must take up the call on behalf of the weaker-minded kids. To vote with their choice at the video store. If you have an awakened adult, protecting you, then you are indeed fortunate.
As the man said: “All kids are our kids”. That sentiment is easy to apply in an ideal society. Yet others are feeble-minded and smile and avert their faces as their kids slip into darkness. The kids eventually becoming as callous as their manipulators – prematurely desensitised and robbed of their inherent childhood radiance by hypnotic play-imitation of soldiers engaged in violent warfare.

As Marianne Williamson states in her book “Return to Love” “We are all meant to shine, as children do”.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” “It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us”.

Shireen Tripp, Cronulla, NSW, Australia

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Building Resilience - Find Your Islands of Competence

Just as the manner in which we understand and respond to setbacks in an integral part of a resilient mindset so too, is the way we react to successes in our lives. Think about how you understand your achievements. 
Those who are resilient view their accomplishments as based upon their own resources and strengths. This doesn’t mean they fail to acknowledge the support of others. Rather, they don’t dismiss or minimize what they have achieved. 
In contrast, people who are not resilient tend to attribute their success to factors outside their control such as luck or chance or fate. Consequently, they are not as confident or optimistic about being successful in the future. There is another feature of resilient people we wish to highlight. While they do not deny their vulnerabilities, they are able to identify their strengths or what we call their “islands of competence”. 

What would you list as your islands of competence?

How to find your "real" islands of competence? The power to discover it lies in the potential that was bequeathed you at birth. Latent and undeveloped, the seeds of greatness were planted. You were given magnificent “birth-gifts”-talents, capacities, privileges, intelligences, opportunities-that would remain largely unopened except through your own decision and effort. Open these gifts. Learn with Stephen Covey host to open  your islands of competence,  your voice, your calling, your soul’s code. 

"People are internally motivated by their own four needs: to live, to love, to learn, to leave a legacy. When they overlap, you have voice-your calling, your soul’s code." - Stephen R. Covey. Key Message.

Q: How do you define “voice”?

A: Voice is the overlapping of the four parts of our nature: our body, our mind, our heart, and our spirit. These also represent the four intelligences: our IQ for the mind, our EQ for the heart, our SQ for the spirit, and our PQ for the body.

To help you find this, answer these 4 questions.

1. What are you good at? That’s your mind.

2. What do you love doing? That’s your heart.

3. What need can you serve? That’s the body.

4. And finally, what is life asking of you? What gives your life meaning and purpose? What do you feel like you should be doing? In short, what is your conscience directing you to do? That is your spirit.

Q: Is finding your voice an evolving process, or can it happen all at once like a light bulb going on in your head?

A: I think that it can happen all at once, but more so, I think it is an evolving process. As people grow up, they are exposed to different fields of knowledge and different experiences. They don’t yet know what they’re good at or even what they will like doing. Once they have this exposure and education and they start getting involved, they start to find satisfaction, and that leads to success as it begins to give them a sense of their voice or what they really love doing that they do well. For some people, it does comes like a flash of light, but it is usually preceded by someone who really deeply believes in them-sees their strengths and affirms them when they don’t see their own potential themselves. This creates an opportunity for that voice to be developed and expressed. This happened with me.

Q: Is the process of finding your voice the same for an individual as it is for an organization that is trying to find its voice?

A: That’s a very interesting question and I think in a very real sense, it is the same. But because an organization is made up of many different individuals who have different voices and a different sense of what gives them meaning and their life purpose, it takes communication processes where people are genuine and authentic with each other in expressing what they really care about. However, people gradually get a sense of what the organization stands for, what it loves doing and does well, and what it feels like it should be doing. So, there is kind of a collective form of the four intelligences that overlaps and develops in an evolutionary way.

Q: How can we help someone find his or her voice?

A: I think if you care about people genuinely, you listen to them and observe them; because this is more than just hearing them speak, it is observing them-observing where their excitement is, where their enthusiasm is; observing where you sense they have potential.

Sometimes it is very powerful just to say to them in sincerity, “I believe you have great potential in this area. I see real strengths in you that you may not see in yourself, and I would like to create an opportunity for you to use those strengths and to develop this potential. Would you be interested in that?” 

Most people are so flattered by someone who sincerely cares for them and affirms their work and potential that they are moved and inspired by that kind of input. It’s very powerful and it can make all of the difference, particularly with people who grow up with a confused lifestyle, bad modeling, and basic education. Often they have no clue as to what life is about or what they are about until someone becomes a teacher to them-a mentor, a confirmer, and a coach. This kind of mentoring is becoming increasingly important in education, in relationships, and in work environments. It can make all of the difference as to whether a person takes a higher road to his or her own voice or a lower road to where he or she is swallowed up by the priorities and voices of others.

http://www.stephencovey.com/blog/

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