Don't Suffer in Silence. Enough is Enough Blog.

Self-Compassion as a Coping Strategy During Stressful Life Events

2012-01-25T09:59:00.009+11:00

Self-Compassion, as a psychological strategy for coping with stressful life events, appeared in the psychological literature only recently with Dr. Kristin Neff’s (an educational psychologist in the University of Texas, the world’s foremost expert on self compassion, and the author of, “Self-Compassion: The Key to Human Happiness” ) publications in 2003.

Dr. Kristin Neff's website

Having a small son with a serious mental illness, she had to cope with such tragedy, passed through feelings of grief, despair and anger to developing a new psychological approach to helping people to deal with the most painful and stressful experiences in their lives.

This article will inform you of new strategies that focus on developing a new self-to-self relationship based on warmth and compassion. These strategies will always be under your control and can be used at any time, including the time when you lose, fail and are disappointed as well as when you win or excel.

“You are going to have painful experiences – absolutely every one of us is – are you going to turn them into something healing or are you going to let them destroy your life?” – Dr. Kristin Neff

1: Developing Self-Compassion: Changing self-criticism to compassionate self correction

“ When two people enter into marriage, they often share the familiar vow, “I take you to be my wife/husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, to live and cherish: from this day forward.”

Life is a journey of varied experience. Self-compassion is the ability to provide this same promise to not abandon ourselves when times are difficult. “

How do you feel if people criticise or bullying you? How does it feel? The unpleasantness will make you feel anxious and upset because those threat emotion systems in your brain have been triggered. This will affect your stress systems and your stress hormone, cortisol, will increase. If the criticism is harsh and constant it may make you feel distressed and depressed. Our own thoughts and images can do the same.

Learning to spot self-criticism and learning what to do about it will be a key issue in developing self-compassion.

Kindness involves understanding one’s difficulties and being kind and warm in the face of failure or setbacks rather than harshly judgmental and self-critical.

Imagine two teachers teaching a young child. One focuses on their deficits and picks on them when they make mistakes. The other teacher focuses on what the child does well and encourages the child to improve and learn from their mistakes and offers clear guidance. Which one will help the child’s confidence? Which one do you really prefer?

Compassionate self-correction is about being open to all our weaknesses and limitations (remember, we did not design our brains) but with a genuine wish to improve. Compassionate self-correction is based on being open-hearted and honest about our mistakes with a genuine wish to improve and learn from them.

We need to recognize that our genuine wish is to improve.

Self-criticism, on the other hand, comes from a “fear – and –anger based place”. It is concerned with punishment and is usually backwards-looking, related to things we have done in the past. The problem is that you cannot change a single moment of the past, you can only change the future.

There are many reasons for becoming self-critical. One common reason is that others have been critical of us in the past and we simply take their views as accurate. We do not stop to think whether they really wanted to help us and really cared us – in fact they may just have been rather stressed people who were critical of everyone. We just go along with their criticisms of us and never stop to think if they are still reasonable and accurate.

Lots of people tend to beat themselves up and get into the habit of using self-loathing as a way to self – motivate. ” If I didn’t kick myself, I’d never do anything.” This view goes back to childhood where parents and teachers over-focused on the child’s errors and not on their positives. As a result, the child becomes good at self-criticism and punishment but poor at seeing their good points, self-rewarding and valuing.

But when you stop and think about it when has name calling or accusing someone of being a “big loser” ever motivated anyone?

It may also be that we are trying very hard to reach a certain standard or achieve something or present ourselves in a certain way. When it does not work out as we would like this can frighten us because we might think we have let ourselves down or others will be rejecting of us.

“Compassion and gentleness are your right when you lose, fail and are disappointed as well you win or excel.”, Dr Kristin Neff

Consider your answers to these questions:
● Are you compassionate to yourself when you lose, fail , or face disappointment as well as when you win or excel?
● Are you kind and forgiving to yourself when you feel regret and sadness?
● Do you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?

Research reveals that in comparison to self-esteem, self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience, more caring behaviour in relationships and less reactive anger. “
With self-esteem it’s about how you measure up against others and is, by definition, focused on social comparison, “says Neff. “ You have to be cuter, smarter, faster and richer or you’ve not good enough. So many surveys have shown that Americans rate themselves as ‘above average’ or ‘superior’ on almost every task you query them about, whether it’s level of driving skill or reading speed. Feeling you’re much better than average creates a distinct sense of separation, a sense of distance, and for many it leads to narcissism. Self-esteem so often hinges on winning and is contingent on the attention and approval of others.”

2: Developing Self – Compassion: Recognizing that any experiences, no matter how painful are part of the common human experience

When people fail, experience loss or rejection, are humiliated, or confront other negative events, they often feel that their experience is personal and unique when, in reality, everyone experiences problems and suffering.

“When you have self-compassion and something awful happens to you,” says Neff, “you’re able to step back and say, ”Yes, it’s very difficult, what I’m going through right now, and I’m going to acknowledge and feel this grief, but there are many other people who are experiencing much greater suffering. Maybe this isn’t worth getting quite so distressed about.”

Realizing that one is not alone in the experience and that imperfection is part of the shared human experience reduces people’s feelings of isolation and promotes adaptive coping.

It is how Dr Neff is talking about her personal life journey:
“ ...I started to think about how all families have issues and difficulties related to their children at some point in life, even if their children are “normal” and healthy. I began to see us as just another family and my son’s illness was just one of the unique features of the fabric of our family, not a punishment or defeating disaster. I started feeling a connection with other families rather than isolation.”

Consider your answers to these questions:
● Isn’t it true that I am not the only one going through such difficult times and that all people experience things like this, or worse, at some point in their lives?
● Can I feel my feelings of pain without getting lost in the drama or storyline of my situation?

3: Self-Compassion: Mindful Acceptance - Maintaining balance and perspective through mindfulness

Dr Neff identified mindfulness as a core component of self-compassion and suggested people who are able to maintain perspective in the face of stress and approach the situation with mindfulness cope more successfully.

Mindfulness is a way of paying attention to your life, on purpose, in the present moment in a non attached way. By observing, non judging or analysing thoughts and feelings, allowing them to ‘come’ and ‘go’ as they come and go. Mindfulness is an intentional way of ‘being’ in life. The present moment is emphasised – the past is in the past and the only influence we can have over the future is to live fully and consciously in the ‘now’.

We highly recommend reading:
Mindfulness as a Practice

Being mindful allows us to be aware of important feelings and other problems that interfere with the daily management of life’s difficulties – this then allows us to make conscious effective decisions about life challenges. The opposite of mindfulness is ‘mindlessness’ where our thoughts and actions can limit our conscious decisions.

Mindfulness takes patience and practice and takes time to develop, it is more a way of being than something you sit and do. Over time you will develop new habits and develop new skills to break free from limiting or unhelpful habits.

Consider your answers to these questions:
Take a few minutes before you go to sleep and review your day. Ask yourself :
● Where was I hard on myself?
● What events (internal or external) triggered that harshness within me?
● What feelings did I experience – anger, fear, disgust, shame, frustration, guilt?
● What were the thoughts that triggered these emotions?
● And most important – what beliefs do I hold that fuel these thoughts and feelings? Beliefs are the cement that holds it all together.
● Finally, stop and imagine what it would feel like to be kinder on yourself in those moments when you believe you “fall short”. What happens to your energy level when you release your judgment?
●Spend five minutes remembering kindnesses that occurred in the day that went well.

Self-compassion is a skill. If you find that developing self-compassion can help you to deal with your life challenging events, we recommend you to consider taking a compassionate mind training (CMT). Results showed that CMT resulted in a significant decrease in depression, anxiety, shame, and self-attacking tendencies. Alternatively, if you would like to learn more about mindfulness or need some professional guidance please contact our counselling unit for an appointment 02 9542 4029.

Resources:

● Self – Compassion with Dr Kristin Neff, Jim Porter

● Self – Compassion, Stress, and Coping, Ashley Batts Allen and Mark R. Leary

● Training Our Minds in , with and for Compassion by Paul Gilbert PhD FBPsS

● Why Do We Continue to Think Self-Compassion is Self-Indulgent? http://intentionalworkplace.com/2011/03/14/why-do-we-continue-to-think-self-compassion-is-self-indulgent/

● What is Self-Love? It’s You Being Compassionate to You, Dr Annette

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Healthy Relationships Checklist: How do you know if it’s still working?

2012-01-19T16:09:00.009+11:00

Remember the feeling when a relationship is new?
The excitement every time the phone rings, the long hours spent together that just fly by and the giggling conversations with girlfriends or good-natured teasing by mates, over how you were meant for each other.

Sometimes even the closest relationships can go wrong. But how do you know if you or your partner may need help, or when should seek help for your relationship? The glossy magazines have quizzes on how to tell if you’re in love, or if he/she loves you, but not if it’s not working.

What can we measure our relationship against to know if it’s going in the right direction, and if it’s not what can we do?

Situations that should ring alarm bells are when your partner:

lies or is secretive constantly about where s/he is, what s/he is doing or who s/he is with
needs to know your detailed whereabouts every day and constantly rings to check up on you
tries to make you sever contact with friends or family, because really you only need him/her
demeans your thoughts, feelings and other relationships
questions your past constantly, yet you know very little about his/hers
inspects your finances and needs to know where every cent is spent, yet you have no idea how much s/he even earns
constantly needs to be with you and gets angry and spiteful if you want to go anywhere with anybody else
wants to pick fights or arguments with others if they look at you
yells and screams and threatens you if you don’t do what s/he wants
turns to physical violence then apologises, but says you ‘made him/her’ do it

If you can tick any of the above, you might need to speak to someone about your relationship and explore how to improve it - or leave it.

We highly recommend reading:
8 Secrets to a Strong and Happy Family

Couples often experience difficulties due to each others’ ‘baggage’ - but with commitment from both sides, these should be temporary. However where only one party is making an effort they can be insurmountable. If someone loves you they want to lift you up, make you happy, not pull you down and have you live with humiliation or violence.

If you are not happy or not feeling safe and comfortable in your relationship only YOU can change this.

There are people and organisations who will be there for you, will understand you and support you.
Please call us for the individual counselling session on 02 9542 4029 .
We provide a professional service with fully qualified counsellors.

-- Counselling Unit at EIE

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A Special Christmas Message from Enough is Enough's Team

2011-12-15T15:55:00.010+11:00

Dear Friends!

The team at Enough is Enough just wanted to take a moment to wish you a very happy and safe holiday season. Peace and good will to all to you from us at Enough is Enough. Have a wonderful Christmas and a great New Year !

Stay with us in 2012!

Christmas Holidays – The Gift We Give Ourselves

2011-12-08T13:41:00.058+11:00

Christmas is coming........

As the end of the year draws near, you can possibly find yourself looking forward to the end of the holiday season instead of the beginning. Maybe not everything in your life is the way you want it to be or maybe you experienced some trauma, loss or grief during this year. Maybe you live alone, and very often Christmas time is just a time of loneliness for you, when it seems that everyone in the world has someone to celebrate with – except you.

The truth is that Christmas offers us a wonderful opportunity to reinvent ourselves and take one small step towards a new life, a life that will be a little bit different than the life you had before. A life with more joy, appreciation, excitement and peace.

We might use the end of the year as a time to reflect on our own journey this year. We may ask ourselves what we loved most, what were the most difficult things and the most exciting things for us this year, what we learned and what we could have done differently. We can accept our ups and downs of the year, and decide in which area of our lives we need more attention in the coming New Year.

Magic of Christmas

Imagine now that this is going to be your happiest holiday season ever.

Make up your mind, that a Christmas season is supposed to bring out the best in us, rather than do us in.

With your expectations set on positive, here are some attitude adjustments to try:

* I’ll let the holidays flow, rather than trying to make them fit into a fixed schedule.

* I’ll remember that people are more important than things.

* I’ll relax my expectations for myself and others this year.

* I’m going to live in the present moment and enjoy each activity for itself instead of always thinking about what is ahead of me.

* I’m going to approach the holidays with a sense of joyful anticipation and wonder, just like I did when I was a child. (by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer)

Each moment of our lives affords us a choice. You have choices of holiday celebrations. Try to find in each present moment of the holiday season something to savor and enjoy. The true meaning of the holidays is one of joy, love, peace and happiness.

Cultivate a child-like awe and appreciation and have joyous holidays and a happy New Year!

Stay with us in 2012!

Violence in Media: Four Parental Media Monitoring Strategies

2011-12-08T13:27:00.008+11:00

Over the past half-century, an explosion in electronic media including television, cable television, video games, computers, the Internet, cell phones, and iPods marketed directly at the youngest children in our society, have been regarded with dismay by adults concerned about how these changes have played out in young people’s lives.
Used properly, the media can teach children many positive things about the world as well as teach them a sense of belonging and social responsibility. Child informative, high-quality educational TV content is shown to be associated with better educational outcomes and academic engagement, in opposite, viewing violence on television and playing violence video games has the potential to affect an individual child’s behaviour, psychological wellbeing and beliefs about the world. (Schmidt and Anderson research, 2007).

Media and Violent Behaviour

Many children’s programs – especially the so-called classic cartoons present violence in a humorous fashion that minimized the pain and suffering of victims. As a result , when children watch this type of depiction, they may learn that violence is funny and has little negative impact on victims.

The news media can lead people to believe that the stories reported are closer to home, or that they happen more often than they do in real life. Violence in schools is an example of a prevalent story in the news. So prominent in fact, that adults and kids alike are afraid that violence is sure to happen in their schools. The reality, however, reveals that there is less than a one in two mission chance that a child will be injured during a violent outbreak at school.

Can learning teens about bullying be presented using violence scenes?
Take a look at a 17 minute short film launched by Australian Communications Minister Stephen Conroy in Sept 2011 about the dangers of sexting and cyber bullying, with some scenes including a fight captured on a mobile phone and posted online and teenagers taking nude photographs of each other and sending them to others. The video went around the world and was watched by tens of thousands. However, an expert on bullying, Professor Kenneth Rigby of the University of South Australia, said there was a risk that rather than acting as a warning about the dangers of bullying, the video was “allowing people to revel in a violent spectacle.” (1)

Extensive research evidence indicates that media violence can contribute to aggressive behaviour, desensitization to violence, nightmares, and fear of being harmed.

What about violent video games?

We recommend reading:

A Cry From The Heart:

Violent Video Games For Kids

Pilots use flight simulators to learn to fly. Motorists use driving simulators to learn to drive. This kind of visual imagery is a very powerful learning medium. Some children are “print aversive” and thus even more receptive to visual imagery than others.

Prof. Dave Grossman of West Point Military Academy uses the same violent video games that our kids play with; to teach army recruits and policemen to overcome their natural reluctance to kill another human being.

Prof. Grossman calls violent video games; “killing simulators” because they’re such an effective medium to teach someone the will and the skill to kill” They are very effective in turning human beings into compliant automatons.

An increasing amount of research is being conducted into links between online video games playing and “pathological internet misuse”. International mental health experts are considering including “video game addiction and internet addiction” in the next edition of globally recognised Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders “to encourage further study”. In the most extreme cases, teens and young adults spend up to 50 hours almost non-stop playing online computer games, even refusing to take toilet breaks. (2)

Strategies for Parents

Parents sometimes feel overwhelmed and wonder if they are actually able to make a difference in media saturated world.
The good news is that the research demonstrates that parents are actually in a very powerful position.

When parents set limits on the amount of screen time their children watch (or play), set limits on the content so that it is age-appropriate, and talk about what they see and hear, this is a powerful protective factor for children. (3)

In 2001, Amy Nathanson, a researcher at The Ohio State University, published an article outlining the 3 basic ways that parents can help prevent their children from experiencing negative media effects. In past years, few studies have examined parental regulation of video game play, adding one more strategy to Nathanson’s parental monitoring.

1. Restrictive Mediation:
Limit-setting on amount of media
Limit-setting on content of media

Putting in action:● Does your family have rules about how much TV may be watched (videogame played)?
● Does your family have rules about when TV may be watched?
● Can your child only watch TV when you are in the room to watch with him/her?
● As a parent, do you help your child decide what programs to watch?
● How often does your child have to ask your permission before watching a movie orDVD on TV?
● How often do you decide what video games you may rent or buy for your child?
● How often does your child have to ask your permission before playing video games?

2. Active Mediation:
Commenting on program(video game) contents and discussing these with children, helping them to understand what they see (play) on TV , computer, or news. Engaging the children in communication about what is being viewed.

Putting in action:It is important to talk with kids about what they see and hear. Ask your child questions that help him/her think through the messages that may not be immediately apparent.
It is actually very difficult for most parents to do especially with tough issues, and require time, thought and courage. For example, after viewing a show, ask them what they think about that. Ask them why they think the show portrayed it that way. Let your children know not to be afraid to talk with you whenever they see something they don’t understand.

3. Co-viewing Mediation:
Watching together and discussing programs in general

Putting in action:How often do you watch TV together with your child?
How often you play computer or video games with your child?
By sharing the experience with your child, you will be able to know exactly what they are being exposed to and can talk with them about it. If you see something that may be upsetting to your child, or make them scared or confused , you can start a conversation on the subject. For younger children, you may also consider setting rules against watching TV/Playing games when you aren’t around.

4. Peripheral Monitoring Strategy:
Strategically placing game platforms in public areas such as the living room, offering them the possibility to keep an eye on their children’s gaming while doing other household chores at the same time.

Research suggests that the most effective parental practices are co-viewing programs with children and active mediating, while the popular practice of restrictive mediation is less effective. (5)

As a parent, only you can decide what strategies are most appropriate for your child. Today, our kids have access to much more information than previous generations. They are likely to learn things from media that parents don’t want them to learn. Media can affect their health, behaviour and family life in negative ways. It is why it is so important to understand the negative impact of media to know how to use it properly for healthy children’s development.

Resources:

1. Bullying, violence, revenge: the dangers of antisocial networking laid bare for children, Stephanie Gardiner

2. War on Young Minds, by Bruce McDougall

3. Research of the Effects of Media, Douglas A.Gentile , Ph.DThe Effects of Violent Media on Children www.psychology.org.au

4. Talking with kids about tough issues, http://www.childrennow.org/index.php/learn/twk_news

5.Parental mediation of children’s video game playing: A similar construct as television mediation, by Peter Nikken

New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

Power of Attitude of Gratitude

2011-11-24T15:43:00.025+11:00

Gratitude is the feeling of being thankful and it comes from the Latin words:
gratia , meaning favour, charm and thanks and,
gratus, meaning pleasing and grateful

Gratitude is an inspirational force that causes us to draw our attention to the good, the beautiful, and open up a host of possibilities. It is exactly what we need when we are in pain and it can help us to cope with our loss.

It has been irrefutably proven that every emotion and every thought has a measurable frequency. Emotions and thoughts of love and gratitude resonate at a frequency that brings about balance of all the cellular functions of the body. Many studies show that practicing gratitude may be the fastest single pathway to the emotional wellbeing, long life, and prosperity.

Your brain can only hold one thought at a time! Choose that thought! Choose to live in “An Attitude of Gratitude”. If you are grateful for something, it is impossible to hold on to thoughts of anger, grief, and hate.

Most of us are thankful for the good health, families we love, our jobs and for our opportunity to live our lives the way we want to. Yes, it very easy to be grateful for pleasant and peaceful experiences.

The difficulty comes in being grateful for the things that upset, offend, hurt and injure us. Grief can be the result of many events such as the loss of a family member, friend or pet, serious illness, separation or divorce, or a move to an unfamiliar town.

“How can I be thankful for anything when I am grieving and in pain? I can’t begin to think about appreciation or being grateful”.

Nothing and no one can truly be destroyed.
When you heat an ice cube, it turns to water. If you continue heating that water, it turns to steam. The essence of the ice cube remains; just the form is different. Maybe not everything in our lives is the way we want it to be, but some things are wonderful, and the things that aren’t so wonderful will get better in time. Experience of emotional pain is opportunities to learn love. Even the deepest, darkest sorrows have an equal amount of joy – the sooner we find it, the sooner we experience the blessings. Developing a mental “Attitude of Gratitude” will give you inner strength that will bring you inner peace in such difficult time of your life.

When times get tough, everyone has to make a fundamental decision: to complain or to be grateful. Focus on everything that you are grateful for, communicate this, and open yourself each day to the best possible consequences.

Developing Attitude of Gratitude:
● List three achievements you are proud of accomplishing. For each of the achievements you listed write five ways you received help from others.
● List the three most recent act of service you have performed. Then write five ways these acts of love helped you fulfil your own inspired dreams.
● When grieving, if anger hangs around too long in your thoughts, switch your attention to a person, place, or thing you are grateful for. Use your self-talk to change the scene: “I have this anger and rightly so, but I am choosing to be thankful for all of the help I am receiving from my friends/my family. I am truly grateful.”

"Be grateful for the learning experience of loss.

You cannot change what has happened – it has happened.

You can change the way you think about it!!

Feel gratitude for the life-enhancing opportunity to learn and grow from this."

Ken B Marslew, CEO of EIE

New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

Resources:

Time to Take a Chance/ by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer

Grief and the Attitude of Gratitude by Joseph Burgo, PH.D.

Keep your attitude of gratitude – even during grief by Ann Ulrich Miller

How Gratitude Will Reduce the Pain of Grief by Lou LaGrand

Stress and Job Burnout

2011-11-22T16:16:00.016+11:00

Burnout can manifest in many ways. It is a complex human reaction to ongoing stress, the signs and symptoms can appear the same as excessive stress but the symptoms of burnout include a more emotional response including emotional exhaustion and increasing feelings of negativity. Responses to burnout can be different for each person but the causes are common to most people.

For the purpose of this article we’ll stick to the area of burnout associated with the work environment.
Being able to make the connections and recognise events or issues leading to burnout is the first step. These causes can include:

Feeling powerless to make improvements or contribute
Feeling unappreciated for effort or work done
Feeling pressured to achieve at work
Working in a conflicted environment
Dealing with complex personal problems or conflicts outside of the work environment

Once you have recognised the presence of these causes and/or the series of events that have lead to burnout you may then be able to link physical symptoms and mental stress symptoms that indicate an abnormal level of stress.

Making decisions about work/life balance can be the first step in a self care plan which should include the three categories:

Physical – diet, exercise
Mental – relaxation, meditation, breath work
Strategic – having realistic, achievable goals & recognising limitations

We highly recommend reading:
Self-compassion as a coping strategy
during stressful life events

Other interventions may need to be more specific or tailored for different outcomes or understanding. Counselling can help with the assessment of a person’s vulnerabilities and help with strategies for increasing awareness. Burnout can be healed in these ways.If you are experiencing any of these concerns or would like more understanding about your own situation our professional counsellors can make assessments and provide counselling.

Please contact our office or see our website for further information or to make an appointment. Ph: 9542 4029 or www.enoughisenough.org.au

Deborah, Counsellor at Enough is Enough

New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

Teaching Your Child Active Listening Skills

2011-11-14T13:58:00.021+11:00

Active Listening is one of the most important communication skills you can have. People often think that confident communication skills are about being articulate, telling a good tale or having a wide vocabulary. Yes, all of these are important, but the ability and willingness to listen to others is more important. How well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness, and on the quality of your relationships with others. Listening actively is required in every area of life.

Consider the questions below about your own listening skills and tick the answers that are relevant to you:
While the other person is talking, do you:
□ Rehearse what you are going to say?
□ Wish they would get to the point more quickly?
□ Interrupt?
□ Mind-read?
□ Judge them by appearance or accent?
□ Filter what you already think or want to think?
□ Daydream?

Most of us do some of these some of the time. We might think we are listening but we are not. Active listening skills are very difficult master . People whose profession is to listen have spent years being trained to do so. In a recorded counselling or therapy situation it is likely that the voice of the listener will only be heard for 10 % of the 50 minutes. The benefit to people of being able to just talk can be amazing.

One of the best things that you as a parent can do is to become a good role model. Develop your own active listening skills. Adults and children make common listening mistakes. If you make them, your child could mimic you.

Our two previous blog articles provide some great tools and techniques to build active listening skills for adults:
Active Listening
Active Listening as an Anger Management Technique (Building Active Listening Skills)

And as a parent, you can help your child to develop active listening skills and provide your child with foundation communication skills that last a lifetime.

Strategies for parents

1. Help your child to make better choices of activities to participate in during the day
Aim to develop your child's patience so he or she at least has the chance to pay attention to the person who speaks. Many studies conclude today's children suffer from a lowered attention span due to activities like TV and computer games. Listening to action songs (songs that tell your child to do something) is an example of the activities that you could organise for your child. It's always fun to dance, and if your child follows along to the words, he's exercising his listening skills.

2. Read to your child then have him or her talk to you about what you read
Interact while reading together. Before you turn the page, ask your child to predict what might happen next.
This aims to help them to focus and teach them a briefly summarizing technique, as well as to develop their imagination.
3. When you say something to your child throughout the day, ask your child to say his or her understanding of what you said
Very often, children are required to keep quite and pay attention - so-called "listening" as they associate good listening with not interrupting and not saying a word, which creates "mindless" hearing in their relationship communication. Your goal in this exercise is to build a relationship and practice a correct response.
4. Teach your child to listen non-verbally
Have them maintain reasonable eye-contact with the speaker and develop other non-verbal skills such as facing you, not fidgeting, and maintaining good posture where appropriate.

Good listening skills take practice. The more your child practices, the sooner being an active listener becomes second nature!

New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

Resources:
http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm

Tower of Power, Joshua Uebergang, http://www.towerofpower.com.au/free/

Active Listening Skills Improve Communication, Ranjit Das, http://www.suite101.com/

Perfect Confidence by Jan Ferguson

Fun Ways to Practice Listening

Michelle McNally

,http://www.savvysource.com/parenting/12761-fun-ways-to-practice-listening

Don't Give Up: Your 8 Recovery Steps from Alcohol Addiction

2011-11-03T16:06:00.015+11:00

How the hell am I ever going to stop!!?

Want to stop drinking alcohol? Overcoming an addiction to alcohol can be a long and bumpy road. At times, it may even feel impossible. But it’s not.

With these 8 recovery tips on how to stop drinking alcohol, you will have some self - help ideas on how to start to make the change and where to look for help and support.
Whether you are a regular drinker or you quietly drink a six pack by yourself each night, you may have fallen into the trap of alcohol abuse. Alcohol abuse is heavy drinking, where your drinking leads to problems—physical, mental or emotional.
On the other hand, alcohol addiction is a physical addiction or need to drink more and more. With addiction, the alcohol takes first place in your life—over family, friends, job, school and even your physical and mental health.
If you’re willing to stop drinking and to get the support you need, you can recover from alcoholism and alcohol abuse—no matter how bad the addiction or how powerless you feel.
There are many things you can do to help yourself stop drinking and achieve lasting recovery.

Alcohol treatment & recovery step 1: Commit to stop drinking

If you’re not sure if you’re ready to change or you’re struggling with the decision, it can help to think about the costs and benefits of each choice.

Example: Evaluating the costs and benefits of drinking
Is Drinking Worth The Cost?
Benefits of drinking:
• It helps me forget about my problems.
• I have fun when I drink.
• It’s my way of relaxing and unwinding after a stressful day.

Benefits of not drinking:
• My relationships would probably improve.
• I’d feel better mentally and physically.
• I’d have more time and energy for the people and activities I care about.
Costs of drinking:
• It has caused problems in my relationships.
• I feel depressed, anxious, and ashamed of myself.
• It gets in the way of my job performance and family responsibilities.

Costs of not drinking:
• I’d have to find another way to deal with problems.
• I’d lose my drinking buddies.
• I would have to face the responsibilities I’ve been ignoring.

Make a table like the one above, weighing the costs and benefits of drinking to the costs and benefits of quitting. Each list can be as long as you like.

Do the costs of drinking outweigh the benefits? If so, you may want to consider making a decision to stop drinking.

Alcohol treatment & recovery step 2: Set goals and prepare for change

Once you’ve made the decision to change, the next step is establishing clear drinking goals. The more specific, realistic, and clear your goals, the better.

• Do you want to stop drinking altogether or just cut back? If your goal is to reduce your drinking, decide which days you will drink alcohol and how many drinks you will allow yourself per day. Try to commit to at least two days each week when you won’t drink at all.

• When do you want to stop drinking or start drinking less? Tomorrow? In a week? Next month? Within six months? If you’re trying to stop drinking, set a specific quit date.

After you’ve set your goals to either stop or cut back your drinking, write down some ideas on how you can help yourself accomplish these goals and set the stage for a successful recovery from alcohol addiction.

Example #1: My drinking goal
• I will stop drinking alcohol.
• My quit date is __________.
Example #2: My drinking goal
• I will stop drinking on weekdays, starting as of __________.
• I will limit my Saturday and Sunday drinking to no more than 3 drinks per day or 5 drinks per weekend.
• After three months, I will cut back my weekend drinking even more to a maximum of 2 drinks per day and 3 drinks per weekend.

Can I cut back on my drinking or do I need to stop drinking completely?

Whether or not you can successfully cut back on your drinking depends on the severity of your drinking problem. For most people with an alcohol problem, abstinence is the safest and easiest strategy. Regular drinking can quickly turn into problem drinking, and as long as you’re drinking at all, you’re taking that risk.

If you’re an alcoholic—which , by definition, means you aren’t able to control your drinking—it’s best to try to stop drinking entirely.

If you’re not ready to take that step, or if you don’t have an alcohol abuse problem, but you want to cut back for personal or health reasons, the following tips can help:

How to Cut Down on Your Drinking:
• Set a drinking goal. Choose a limit for how much you will drink. Make sure your limit is not more than one drink a day if you’re a woman, or two drinks a day if you’re a man. Now write your drinking goal on a piece of paper. Put it where you can see it, such as on your refrigerator or bathroom mirror.
• Keep a "diary" of your drinking. To help you reach your goal, keep a "diary" of your drinking. For example, write down every time you have a drink for 1 week. Try to keep your diary for 3 or 4 weeks. This will show you how much you drink and when. You may be surprised. How different is your goal from the amount you drink now?
• Watch it at home. Keep a small amount or no alcohol at home. Don't keep temptations around.
• Drink slowly. When you drink, sip your drink slowly. Take a break of 1 hour between drinks. Drink soda, water, or juice after a drink with alcohol. Do not drink on an empty stomach! Eat food when you are drinking.
• Take a break from alcohol. Pick a day or two each week when you will not drink at all. Then, try to stop drinking for 1 week. Think about how you feel physically and emotionally on these days. When you succeed and feel better, you may find it easier to cut down for good.
Adapted from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism

Alcohol treatment & recovery step 3: Get support

Whether you choose to go to rehab, rely on self-help programs, get therapy, or take a self-directed treatment approach, support is essential.

Don’t try to go it alone.

Recovering from alcohol addiction is much easier when you have people you can lean on for encouragement, comfort, and guidance.

Support can come from family members, friends, counsellors, other recovering alcoholics, your healthcare providers, and people from your faith community.

• Lean on close friends and family – Having the support of friends and family members is an invaluable asset in recovery. If you’re reluctant to turn to your loved ones because you’ve let them down before, consider going to couples counselling or family therapy.
• Build a sober social network – If your previous social life revolved around drugs, you may need to make some new connections. It’s important to have sober friends who will support your recovery. Try taking a class, joining a church or a civic group, volunteering, or attending events in your community.
• Consider moving in to a sober living home – Sober living homes provide a safe, supportive place to live while you’re recovering from drug addiction. They are a good option if you don’t have a stable home or a drug-free living environment to go to.
• Make meetings a priority – Join a recovery support group and attend meetings regularly. Spending time with people who understand exactly what you’re going through can be very healing. You can also benefit from the shared experiences of the group members and learn what others have done to stay sober.

Alcohol treatment & recovery step 4: Explore treatment options

When evaluating the many types of alcohol treatment programs, remember that everyone’s needs are different.

A quality treatment program not only addresses the alcohol abuse, it also addresses the emotional pain and other life problems that contribute to your addiction.

We highly recommend reading:
Self-compassion as a coping strategy
during stressful life events

As you seek help for alcohol addiction, it’s also important to get treatment for any other medical or psychological issues you’re experiencing. Alcohol abuse frequently goes hand in hand with other mental health problems, including anxiety, depression, attention deficit disorder, and bipolar disorder. In many cases, the drinking is an attempt to self-medicate. When these problems co-occur, recovery depends on treating them both.

Alcohol treatment and recovery step 5: Get sober safely

Some people can stop drinking on their own without a doctor’s help, while others need medical supervision in order to withdraw from alcohol safely and comfortably. Which option is best for you depends on how much you’ve been drinking, how long you’ve had a problem, and other health issues you may have.

Be prepared! : Withdrawing from alcohol

When you drink heavily and frequently, your body becomes physically dependent on alcohol and goes through withdrawal if you suddenly stop drinking. The symptoms of alcohol withdrawal range from mild to severe, and include:

• Headache

• Shaking

• Sweating

• Nausea or vomiting

• Anxiety and restlessness

• Stomach cramps and diarrhea

• Trouble sleeping or concentrating

• Elevated heart rate and blood pressure

Alcohol withdrawal symptoms usually start within hours after you stop drinking, peak in a day or two, and improve within five days. But in some alcoholics, withdrawal is not just unpleasant—it can be life threatening.

Call or go to the emergency room if you experience any of the following withdrawal symptoms:
• severe vomiting
• confusion and disorientation
• fever
• hallucinations
• extreme agitation
• seizures or convulsions
The symptoms listed above may be a sign of a severe form of alcohol withdrawal called delirium tremens, or DTs. This rare, emergency condition causes dangerous changes in the way your brain regulates your circulation and breathing, so it’s important to get to the hospital right away.

Alcohol treatment & recovery step 6: Find new meaning in life

To stay alcohol-free for the long term, you’ll need to build a new, meaningful life where drinking no longer has a place.

5 steps to a sober lifestyle
1. Take care of yourself. Basic self-care practices are essential to alcohol recovery. To prevent mood swings and combat cravings, concentrate on eating right and getting plenty of sleep. Exercise is also key: it releases endorphins, relieves stress, and promotes emotional well-being.
2. Build your support network. Surround yourself with positive influences and people who make you feel good about yourself. The more you’re invested in other people and your community, the more your have to lose—which will help you stay motivated and on the recovery track.
3. Develop new activities and interests. Find new hobbies, volunteer activities, or work that gives you a sense of meaning and purpose. When you’re doing things you find fulfilling, you’ll feel better about yourself and drinking will hold less appeal.
4. Continue treatment. Your chances of staying sober improve if you are participating in a support group like Alcoholics Anonymous, have a sponsor, or are involved in therapy or an outpatient treatment program.
5. Deal with stress in a healthy way. Alcohol abuse is often a misguided attempt to manage stress. But there are healthier ways to keep your stress level in check, including exercising, meditating, using sensory strategies to relax, practicing simple breathing exercises, and challenging self-defeating thoughts.
Alcohol treatment & recovery step 7: Plan for triggers and cravings

Cravings for alcohol can be intense, particularly in the first six months after you quit drinking. Good alcohol treatment prepares your for these challenges, helping you develop new coping skills to deal with stressful situations, alcohol cravings, and social pressure to drink.

Avoiding drinking triggers:

Give yourself the best possible chance of staying sober by minimizing temptation and developing strategies for staying strong when it’s unavoidable.
• Avoid the things that trigger your urge to drink. If certain people, places, or activities trigger a craving for alcohol, try to avoid them. This may mean making major changes to your social life, such as finding new things to do with your old drinking buddies—or even giving up those friends.
• Practice saying “no” to alcohol in social situations. No matter how much you try to avoid alcohol, there will probably be times where you’re offered a drink. Prepare ahead for how you’ll respond, with a firm, yet polite, “no thanks.” Don’t give yourself time to start coming up with reasons why it’s okay “just this once.”

Learn to Say NO nicely – “N.I.C.E” to say NO

N: Say “No”. Not “maybe” or “later”.
I: Follow with an “I” statement: “I’m not going to .... , it is not part of my life plan”
C: If pressure continues, “Change”. Change the topic. Change your conversation partner. Change the location.
E: If these strategies do not help, you need “Exit “plan. Leave a bad situation immediately.

Managing alcohol cravings:

When you’re struggling with alcohol cravings, try these strategies:
• Talk to someone you trust: your sponsor, a supportive family member or friend, or someone from your faith community.
• Distract yourself until the urge passes. Go for a walk, listen to music, do some housecleaning, run an errand, or tackle a quick task.
• Remind yourself of your reasons for not drinking. When you’re craving alcohol, there’s a tendency to remember the positive effects of drinking and forget the negatives. Remind yourself that drinking won’t really make you feel better.
• Accept the urge and ride it out, instead of trying to fight it. This is known as “urge surfing.” Think of your craving as an ocean wave that will soon crest, break, and dissipate. When you ride out the craving, without trying to battle, judge, or ignore it, you’ll see that it passes more quickly than you’d think.

The 3 basic steps of urge surfing:

1. Take an inventory of how you experience the craving. Do this by sitting in a comfortable chair with your feet flat on the floor and your hands in a comfortable position. Take a few deep breaths and focus your attention inward. Allow your attention to wander through your body. Notice where in your body you experience the craving and what the sensations are like. Notice each area where you experience the urge, and tell yourself what you are experiencing. For example, “Let me see . . . My craving is in my mouth and nose and in my stomach.”
2. Focus on one area where you are experiencing the urge. Notice the exact sensations in that area. For example, do you feel hot, cold, tingly, or numb? Are your muscles tense or relaxed? How large an area is involved? Notice the sensations and describe them to yourself. Notice the changes that occur in the sensation. “Well, my mouth feels dry and parched. There is tension in my lips and tongue. I keep swallowing. As I exhale, I can imagine the smell and tingle of booze.”
3. Repeat the focusing with each part of your body that experiences the craving. Pay attention to and describe to yourself the changes that occur in the sensations. Notice how the urge comes and goes. Many people, when they urge surf, notice that after a few minutes the craving has vanished. The purpose of this exercise, however, is not to make the craving go away but to experience the craving in a new way. If you practice urge surfing, you will become familiar with your cravings and learn how to ride them out until they go away naturally.

Source: National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism

Alcohol treatment & recovery step 8: Don’t give up!

Changing problem drinking habits takes time, especially if your social life has revolved around alcohol or you’ve used drinking to cope with stress and numb your emotions. There is no quick and easy fix. Alcohol recovery is a process—one that often involves setbacks.

What to do if you slip:

• Get rid of the alcohol and get away from the setting where you lapsed.
• Remind yourself that one drink or a brief lapse doesn’t have to turn into a full-blown relapse.
• Don’t let feelings of guilt, blame, or shame keep you from getting back on track.• Call your sponsor, counsellor, or a supportive friend right away for help

Learn from your drinking relapse:

Don’t give up if you relapse or slip. A drinking relapse doesn’t mean you’re a failure or that you’ll never be able to reach your goal.

Recovery isn’t hopeless—even if you’ve relapsed many times. Each drinking relapse is an opportunity to learn and recommit to sobriety, so you’ll be less likely to relapse in the future. Think of relapse as a detour on the road to recovery, rather than a derailment. You can choose to get back on the main path and continue travelling in the direction of positive change.

Call us for the individual counselling session on 02 9542 4029.

We provide a professional service with fully qualified counsellors.

Source: Alcohol Addiction Treatment and Self-Help, http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_help_treatment_prevention.htm

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Active Listening and Anger Management

2011-10-27T15:34:00.007+11:00

Communication is the greatest tool we have as human beings to deal with any situation

Anger – one letter short of Danger

Everyone has been angry and knows what anger is. We get angry when our expectations are not met – whether those expectations are about themselves, or about others. When our expectations are unmet, we revert to illusions of control, “unrealistically expecting all people to behave and all situations to turn out as we think they should”. Anger often leads us to blame others and shift aggression towards them.

Aggression is sometimes the appropriate response to anger, as it allows us to protect ourselves and things that are important for us from harm. However, in case of overreacting, our anger can get out of control and become destructive and damaging. In this state of rage, the individual can become a danger to themselves or to others. Even the nicest people who do not see themselves as violent and would never anticipate hurting others are capable of the most awful acts if they allow themselves to become overwhelmed with rage. In fact, this is obviously what is meant by the term "losing control of one's self."

Your anger is a natural response to certain threats. If you would like learn how to control your anger, you need to learn what triggers it in you and how anger affects you. There are many techniques to help you to handle your anger once you learn to recognize it and catch it early on.

Please check yourself:
□ Do you ever find yourself in a highly intense argument or an extremely tense situation with another person when your uncontrolled anger leads you to become extremely aggressive and even violent, to the point of no logic or reason?
□ Do you often find yourself jumping to conclusions or to be overly critical during a heated argument?
□ Do you control your anger or does your anger control you when you start angrily defending yourself, interrupting the other person instead listening to the other person’s side?
If you answered Yes at least once, we suggest you to learn and practice Active Listening Skills as an Anger Management Technique to help you manage your anger through improving your communication skills.

Communication doesn’t always have to mean being able to talk about one’s feelings openly – it also means being able to listen intently to others. And listening is of great importance when trying to keep your anger at bay.

Active listening is a two-way process that involves listening and responding in an empathic way, combined with the right questioning and summarizing techniques. It involves the receiver (the listener) with the sender (the speaker). The receiver in active listening process is as active as the sender.

Active listening techniques will help you to understand the message the other person is trying to convey, including the unspoken message, meanings and feelings. Using active listening skills, you will avoid jumping to conclusions and overreacting, so you will be able to handle and control your own possible anger.

Building Active Listening Skills

Step 1: Understanding what is not Active Listening

Remember 5 Don’ts of Listening that can cause the anger reaction during communication:
A      Silent listening
N     Interruptions and not allowing the speaker to complete his or her thought
G     Critical response and teaching – a response that expresses a form of criticism resulting from a natural tendency to judge, approve, or disapprove of a message received
E     Advising. It should be given when requested.
      Before offering advice , make sure:
that other person really wants to hear your suggestions
the other person is ready to accept it
your advice is correct
that receiver won’t blame you if advice doesn’t work
R    Changing the subject or moving in a new direction during conversation

Step 2: Understanding Questioning during Active Listening
During active listening we ask for additional information to get a clear understanding before responding.

Questioning in active listening skills is more about the quality of the question.

Only one question should be asked at a time and, if necessary, unclear responses should be played back to check understanding. If there is something you do not understand, then ask your partner to rephrase, restate, or repeat the statement.

The two main approaches are to use open and probe questions.

Open questions are general not specific. They provide room for people to decide how they should be answered and encourage them to talk freely.
Open questions help to create an atmosphere of calm, for example:
● What do you feel about that?
● Tell me, why do you think that happened?
● Tell me, how did you handle that situation?
Probe questions seek specific information on what has happened and why. They can:
● show interest and encouragement: “I see, and then what?”
● seek further information by asking “Why?” or “Why not?” or “ What do you mean?”
● reflect views: “Have I got the right impression, do you feel that..?”
Combine your questioning skills with body language because it will communicate an interest towards your partner. Make good eye contact. Face your partner and show the person you are their primary concern.

Step 3: Understanding Summarizing Technique

Summarizing involves rephrasing what the person has said in your own words.

The secret here is “in your own words” and without adding any justification or interpretation.
Summarizing is a great technique because it develops a connection and builds intimacy in your relationship. The other person hears your summary of what he or she said and knows you understand or will then restate what you do misunderstand.

Here are some examples:
Paraphrase back what the other person has said with phrases such as:
● ” What I hear you saying is...” OR You can use a phrase like the following:
"I'm going to repeat in my own words what I just heard you say to make sure that I understand what you're saying. Please correct me if I misinterpret anything you've said."
● When someone criticizes you, refrain from reacting defensively using the next steps:
1. Hear them out, wait until she or he finish, look for a core of truth in what they’re saying
2. Agree with that using summarizing technique: “It is true that I leave my clothes on the floor.”
3. If you do not agree with another’s person’s point of view, acknowledge nojudgmentally that your view is different from theirs: “But I disagree with you when you say...”
When someone is speaking, wait until she or he finished before you begin to speak

Step 4: Empathizing (empathic listening and empathic response)

Empathizing identifies with speaker’s emotions and opinions. Through empathic listening the listener lets the speaker know,

“I understand your problem and how you feel about it, I am interested in what you are saying and I am not judging you.”

The listener conveys this message through words and non-verbal behaviours, including body language. The listener encourages the speaker to fully express herself or himself free of interruption, criticism or being told what to do. Empathic listening requires an actual acceptance of the speaker’s feelings, no matter how different they may be from the listener’s. Acceptance does not mean agreement; it does not mean the listener has to agree. It simply means showing personal acceptance and concern for the speaker’s point of view:

“I understand you and I am interested in being a resource to help you resolve this problem.”

Here is some examples of empathic responses:
● Use of brief responses like “ I see”, “Wow”, “OUCH”, “My Goodness”
● “ I can see that really hurts”
● “I know how important that was to you”
● “ I think I’ve felt that way too”
Responses like the following are not empathic responses:
“Don’t worry about it”
“It’s nothing to get so upset about”
“That is a silly way to feel”

Step 5: Practice with your partner!

Active listening does not come naturally – it is a learned skill. It is an active process that must be practiced and practiced. Mastering the art of active listening is similar to mastering the art of driving a car. In the beginning you learned the necessary skills, but you still really have to concentrate on every aspect of doing it, and continuing practice, driving becomes your second nature.

Exercise:
1. Find a subject on which you and your partner seem to disagree – a moral issue, philosophical or personal task
2. A makes a statement, B paraphrases the idea and feedback to A (only what B has heard without adding any interpretation or justification)
3. A responds to B whether the response was accurate or what change needs to be done
4. B then summarised the revised statement or uses right questions for clarifying information, again check till B and A understands correctly
5. B and A can reverse role and repeat the process
Conclusion:
How do A and B feel? Is there A greater understanding? Do they feel better? How such techniques can be helpful in life?

We would like to finish this article with the quote by David Roush, National Juveline Detention Association, which states that active listening may not just clarify thinking and provide a necessary emotional release, but facilitates problem - solving :

"When in doubt about what to do, use active listening."

Resources:

Controlling Anger: Tips, Techniques, and Resources , http://www.squidoo.com/anger-management-resources#module46941432

Consequences Of Anger, by Swami Sivananda

Rage and Its Consequences, by Allan N. Schwartz, LCSW, Ph.D.

Guidelines for Empathic Listening by Richard Salem

Manage your Anger by Learning to Communicate Better, http://www.angermanagementstrategies.com/Learning-Better-Communication-Techniques.html

Roush, D.W. (1996) Desktop guide to good juvenile detention practice. National Juvenile Detention Association. pp.133-134

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5 Building Blocks of Active Parenting

2011-10-17T10:14:00.052+11:00

“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults.” Frederick Douglass

Active Parenting - Parenting with purpose and by example

We live in an increasingly complex world that challenges us every day with a wide range of issues and challenges that can be difficult for children to understand, cope and survive. Children are always looking for proper training and help from their parents. But when it is not made available, children get carried away by other things that happen in the society which may leave a negative impact on their future.

Active Parenting is a term describing a successful parenting strategy relating to adolescents. The main purpose is to raise responsible, cooperative children, who are able to resist negative peer pressure and successfully face the challenges of the 21st century.

What challenges? :
Drug & Alcohol Use
Sexuality (HIV/AIDS)
Violence and Terrorism
Technological Changes
Changing Job Markets
Changing Family and Social Structures
What They See on TV News
Accidents & Disasters
Sickness & Death
It's your responsibility as a parent to prepare your children to become responsible adults and survive in this world without your intervention.

Active Parenting can be learnt by reading articles, books and by attending workshops conducted by many organisations. These organisations conduct programs for active parenting in detail about each aspect of active parenting.
This article will give you guidance in Active Parenting for raising successful and resilient young people.

The Active Parenting Strategy aims to:
1.Use positive discipline techniques to teach responsibility for their actions
2. Build resilience and self-discipline in adolescents to navigate life’s challenges
3. Help to develop cooperation and self-esteem
4. Reinforce adolescent’s courage and inner strength

5 Building Blocks of Active Parenting:

1. Creating and Confirming Boundaries

Yours rules and structure give your child a framework for understanding the world, even if he protests.

The most resilient families develop broad boundaries that help children understand what is expected from them in the home, at school and in the community. These boundaries help children develop values about what is right and wrong. It takes a while for children to have these values internalised. That means that they don’t have to check with an adult if something is right or wrong. They understand why certain rules are in place and why it’s important to follow them.
Communicating the Boundaries
It could be useful for families to have these principles written up and displayed. Many children will have experience of this in their schools, where school rules are prominently displayed in classrooms. Use a family meeting to explain what the boundaries or family rules will be. Give a short explanation of why they are important (try not to give long lectures).
Think about Consequences
Explain what will happen if boundaries are crossed. Each behaviour must have a consequence that is natural or logical. Many times it is enough to tell them not behave in a particular way without saying much more. Parents can be very creative during this process. The most important thing that children learn is that when they break the rules, something happens that teaches them not to do it again.

Putting in action:
Parents need to set clear expectations for behaviour, establish rules about communicating where and with whom their teenagers are spending their time. By communicating your expectations and consequences, your adolescent cannot claim they “did not know” that you would be upset. These boundaries need to be included in your teenager's internet use.

2. Talk with your kids before everyone else does

Talk with your kids about:
● Safe Sex and Relationships
● Online Safety
● Drugs and Alcohol
● Negative Peer Pressure
● Staying Safe and Risk Taking
● Violence and Protective Behaviour
● What they see on TV News
● HIV/AIDS
● Accidents and Disasters
● Sickness and Death
● Divorce
● Terrorism

Putting in action:
Teaching Protective Behaviour: What tools do young people need to keep safe?
As soon as children can name their body parts and begin to understand and name feelings, parents can introduce the idea of protective behaviours. At 3 years of age children are able to say NO and tell a parent if something has happened which has made them feel scared or uncomfortable. As children grow older more information can be given to them to help them keep safe. This is a process that can continue right through adolescence.

1. Children need to know what it means to feel safe
Talk to your child about what it means to feel safe. What does your child think of when they say the word “safe”. Ask your child what sorts of situations do they feel safe in and what sorts of situations they might feel scared in. Think back to your own childhood and give age appropriate examples to your child about situations you felt safe or unsafe.
2. Children need to be able to name and trust their feelings
Help your child to name their feelings, e.g. when they feel happy, sad, angry. When your child has a feeling encourage them to describe what is happening to their body at that time. Discuss with your child what is happening to their five senses when they feel safe i.e. their sense of touch, smell, sight, taste, sound. Ask them to tell you how their body feels when they are frightened, e.g. they might feel funny in the tummy, their knees might shake, they might get a headache or start to perspire, or they might feel like running away.
3. Children need to know that it is OK to express their feelings
It is important that children are encouraged to express their feelings, even those feelings which may make others feel uncomfortable. A child who is always told to “shut-up and stop crying” learns that their feelings do not matter. A child who has the confidence and opportunity to express their feelings is in a much better position to keep themselves safe.
Encourage them to say NO when situations make them feel uncomfortable or unsafe.
4. Teach children about their bodies
Talk to children about the names of their body parts, including private parts. Bath time is a good opportunity to do this, and to explain that their bodies are their own and nobody should touch them in a way that makes them feel confused or uncomfortable. Let children know that it is not OK for others to touch their private parts, unless someone is helping them with toileting or at the doctors.
5. Good touches / bad touches
Introduce ideas about good and bad touches by talking about how nice a hug or kiss can be. Explain that people often show they care about or love someone by touching them.
Children often touch pets to show them how they feel. Talking about pets can be useful example to use to talk about the likes and dislikes a pet might have when they are touched in different ways.
6. Sometimes adults do things that are not OK..
Explain to children that sometimes even people who are good do things that are not OK.
7. Talk to children about good secrets and bad secrets
People who abuse children often depend upon the child to keep secrets. It is important to teach children to say No to this request.
8. Talk to children about “tricks”
Explain that sometimes people may try to trick children into doing things they don’t like, by offering presents, money, or sweets. Teach your child to say they need to ask mum or dad first, and then leave to get help. Your child should be encouraged to tell you if someone tries to trick them.
9. Encourage your child to tell someone they trust if they don’t feel safe
Assure them that there is nothing they can’t talk about it with someone they trust, no matter how awful it seems.. Help your child to develop a network of trusted adults whom they can talk to if they are feeling unsafe or worried by a problem.
10. Practice how your child might respond
You and your child can practice what to do in possible risky situations, e.g. if they were locked out of home; if mum or dad were late picking them up from school; if somebody at school started to bully them; if someone approached them in the park. Make sure that your child includes a response which involves telling an adult.

3. Develop the Mindset of Resilient Children and Adolescents

“Resilience is the ability to bounce back and keep going in the face of adversity.” Jacque Pollock

Feeling loved, special and appreciated is a cornerstone of a child’s resilient mindset. Resilient children and adolescents are hopeful and posses high self-worth. They learn to solve problems and to view mistakes as experiences from which to learn. They learn to focus on what they have control over rather than on what they can little influence. They set realistic goals and expectations for themselves and those around them.

Accept your children for who they are and not what you want them to be. Many children believe that they are accepted and loved only when they do not make mistakes and fail. Become upset that they do not meet standards set by their parents children begin to believe that their mistakes are testimony to their incompetence and must be avoided at all costs.

Putting in action:
When your child makes a mistake or when something doesn’t go right, how does he react and handle the situation?
When some thing ( a plan, a project, a relationship, a situation) does not go the way you want it to go, what is the first question most people ask? WHY ME? This is the wrong question! What happens when you ask the wrong question? Yes! You get the wrong answer and a lot of negative feedback.
What then would be the right question? WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM WHAT JUST HAPPENED? And you get a completely different interpretation back – and a positive lesson can be learnt.

4 principles can guide you in helping your children become comfortable with the role that mistakes play in one’s life:
1. Serve yourself as a model for dealing with mistakes and learning from them with the questions “What can I do differently?”, “What can I do to improve?”
2. Comments to react on mistakes should be free of anger and sarcasm. There not be statements that reinforce a negative mindset such as: Why don’t you use your brain?
3. Mistakes are not only accepted but also expected
4. Mistakes are a natural part of life

Another important factor in developing resilience in children is teaching them to make choices and think about consequences of their choices. Start to provide kids with simple choices at an early age. : Do you want.....or..... for dinner? Do you want wear.... or....? Do you want to play....or...? It is your choice. By providing them with simple choices we are building a solid foundation for problem solving and making decisions.
Helping your kids to find their own strengths and reinforcing each child or adolescent’s “islands of competence" is important factor that help them to understand and Know Who You Are. A strong sense of self is the foundation of personal resilience.

Teach them not define yourself by what someone else thinks about them, but have the right to be Who Are You and Who You Want to BE.

4. Develop Responsibility: Chores or Contributions?

Teaching children to be accountable for their actions and to feel a sense of responsibility is necessary if they are ever to be prepared for adult living.

Robert Brooks, Ph. D, suggests that the most effective says of teaching responsibility and compassion to our kids and youth is to create opportunities for them to help others. By so doing parents communicate the message, ”We believe in you and we believe you have a great deal to offer your world." It is truly one of the most important messages parents can transmit as parents in preparing children for the challenges they will confront in their adult lives.

This message came from his research when he asked adults to describe one of the fondest memories of school, a memory in which a teacher said or did something that enhanced their self-esteem. What do you think was the most common positive memory from this survey? The answer was when a student was asked to contribute in some manner to the school environment.
/”The teacher had me sit and do spelling with the second graders, once I’d shown some ability in this subject.”. “My teacher asked me to tutor a senior who was about to “not graduate” because she was failing English grammar. I was in 10th grade.” What is your “positive memory’? Who was that great teacher? Positive expectations can help develop responsible young people.

Very often the label that we use to describe responsibilities is one that unfortunately is associated with negative connotations. That label is “chores.” Children are often told, “Remember, you must do your chores!” Whatever labels we provide will not erase the negative feelings associated with being asked to do what youngsters consider such unimportant tasks as cleaning one’s room, making the bed, or clearing the table, however , guided by the notion that children wish to help, parents might create an attitude of responsibility what would last a lifetime so that even if children did not always remember to do their chores, we could be assured that they were developing into responsible and compassionate people.

Putting in action:
Ask yourself: “Am I providing opportunities for my children to be helpful and to learn that their actions make a positive difference in the lives of others?”

5. Active Parenting is Empathic Parenting

Empathy, the ability to be aware and understand what another person feels, is first learned at home.

The ability to see the world through your children’s eyes and be empathic is essential for raising emotional healthy kids. Statements like as “You must be feeling angry or sad right now “ telling that you don’t have to agree with everything they do but try to appreciate their point of view as a bridge to begin every communication and as a foundation for them to listen and learn from you. When you interact with your children you should always consider whether you are saying things in a way that will allow them to be receptive to listening to you. If you interrupt. put them down, tell them how they should be feeling or use absolutes such as always or never in a critical way they are likely to become angry and tune you out.
Emotional ownership is a key part of Empathic Parenting. This means that I am responsible for my own emotions; no-one else controls how I feel. This also means I allow and teach my child to own his emotions by not trying to control how he feels. Empathy means showing understanding and support for his right to have his emotions and not trying to change them.

Putting in action:
Saying to your child, ”I know that you’re upset that the toy is gone” is an empathic statement that is not judgmental, thereby lessening the probability that your child will become defensive. Telling them “ I told you so” or punishing them is likely to lead to anger rather than learning. Buying them a new toy is also counterproductive since it does not permit them to experience the consequences of their behaviour. If children do not realize that there are consequences to their actions, they will have difficulty developing self-discipline.

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. Insure good doses of positiveness in a young person’s life.- Charles R. Swindoll & Ken B Marslew, CEO of EIE

Resources:

National Strategy for Young Australians

Teaching your child empathic awareness by Denise Seastrunk

25 Nonviolent discipline options by Pam Kemp

Raising a Self Disciplined Child by Dr. Robert Brooks, Ph.D

Raising Resilient Children and Adolescents by Dr. Robert Brooks, Ph. D

New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

Stress Management Strategies

2011-10-14T14:16:00.025+11:00

Every day brings a choice: to practice stress or to practice peace. ~Joan Borysenko

Stress takes a heavy toll on mental and emotional health, so it’s important to keep it under control. While not all stressors can be avoided, stress management strategies can help you brings things back into balance.

Generally, to deal with any type of stressful situation you have 2 choices:

1st Choice: Change the situation -
Stress management strategy #1: Avoid unnecessary stress
Stress management strategy #2: Alter the stressor
2nd Choice: Change your reaction -

Stress management strategy #3: Adapt to the stressor
Stress management strategy #4: Accept the stressor

Stress management strategy #1: Avoid unnecessary stress

Not all stress can be avoided, and it’s not healthy to avoid a situation that needs to be addressed.

You may be surprised, however, by the number of stressors in your life that you can eliminate.

We highly recommend reading:
Stress Management:
Finding the relaxation that work for you

Learn how to say “no” – Know your limits and stick to them. Whether in your personal or professional life, refuse to accept added responsibilities when you are close to reaching them. Taking on more than you can handle is a surfier recipe for stress.
Learn to Say NO nicely – “N.I.C.E” to say NO

N: Say “No”. Not “maybe” or “later”.
I: Follow with an “I” statement: “I’m not going to .... , it is not part of my life plan”
C:If pressure continues, “Change”. Change the topic. Change your conversation partner. Change the location.
E:If these strategies do not help, you need “Exit “plan. Leave a bad situation immediately.
Avoid people who stress you out – If someone consistently causes stress in your life and you can’t turn the relationship around, limit the amount of time you spend with that person or end the relationship entirely.
Take control of your environment – If the evening news makes you anxious, turn the TV off. If traffic’s got you tense, take a longer but less-traveled route. If going to the market is an unpleasant chore, do your grocery shopping online.
Avoid hot-button topics – If you get upset over religion or politics, cross them off your conversation list. If you repeatedly argue about the same subject with the same people, stop bringing it up or excuse yourself when it’s the topic of discussion.
Pare down your to-do list – Analyze your schedule, responsibilities, and daily tasks. If you’ve got too much on your plate, distinguish between the ‘shoulds’ and the ‘musts’. Drop tasks that aren’t truly necessary to the bottom of the list or eliminate them entirely.

Stress management strategy #2: Alter the situation

We highly recommend reading:
How to handle difficult people-
It's Your Choice

If you can’t avoid a stressful situation, try to alter it. Figure out what you can do to change things so the problem doesn’t present itself in the future.

Often, this involves changing the way you communicate and operate in your daily life.

Express your feelings instead of bottling them up. If something or someone is bothering you, communicate your concerns in an open and respectful way. If you don’t voice your feelings, resentment will build and the situation will likely remain the same.
Be willing to compromise. When you ask someone to change their behaviour, be willing to do the same. If you both are willing to bend at least a little, you will have a good chance of finding a happy middle ground.
Be more assertive. Don’t take a backseat in your own life. Deal with problems head on, doing your best to anticipate and prevent them. If you are got an exam to study for and your chatty roommate just got home, say up front that you only have five minutes to talk.
Manage your time better. Poor time management can cause a lot of stress. When you are stretched too thin and running behind, it’s hard to stay calm and focused. But if you plan ahead and make sure you don’t overextend yourself, you can alter the amount of stress you are under.

Stress management strategy #3: Adapt to the stressor

If you can’t change the stressor, change yourself. You can adapt to stressful situations and regain your sense of control by changing your expectations and attitude.

We highly recommend reading:
Coping with change and
transition in life

Reframe problems. Try to view stressful situations from a more positive perspective. Rather than fuming about a traffic jam, look at it as an opportunity to pause and regroup, listen to your favourite radio station, or enjoy some alone time.
Look at the big picture. Take perspective of the stressful situation. Ask yourself how important it will be in the long run. Will it matter in a month? A year? Is it really worth getting upset over? If the answer is no, focus your time and energy elsewhere.
Adjust your standards. Perfectionism is a majour source of avoidable stress. Stop setting yourself up for failure by demanding perfection. Set reasonable standards for yourself and others, and learn to be okay with ‘good enough’.
Focus on the positive. When stress is getting you down, take a moment to reflect on all the things you appreciate in your life, including your own positive qualities and gifts. This simple strategy can help you keep things in perspective.

Adjusting Your Attitude :

How you think can have a profound effect on your emotional and physical well-being. Each time you think a negative thought about yourself, your body reacts as if it were in the throes of a tension-filled situation. If you see good things about yourself, you are more likely to feel good; the reverse is also true. Eliminate words such as ‘always’, ‘never’, should’ and ‘must’. These are telltale marks of self-defeating thoughts.

Stress management strategy #4: Accept the things you can’t change

Some sources of stress are unavoidable. You can’t prevent or change stressors such as the death of a loved one, a serious illness, or a national recession. In such cases, the best way to cope with stress is to accept things as they are. Acceptance may be difficult, but in the long run, it’s easier than railing against a situation you can’t change.

We highly recommend reading:
Self-compassion as a coping strategy
during stressful life events

Don’t try to control the uncontrollable. Many things in life are beyond our control – particularly the behaviour of other people. Rather than stressing out over them, focus on the things you can control such as the way you choose to react to problems.
Look for the upside. As the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”. When facing majour challenges, try to look at them as opportunities for personal growth. If your own poor choices contributed to a stressful situation, reflect on them and learn from your mistakes.
Share your feelings: Talk to a trusted friend or make an appointment with a therapist. Expressing what you are doing through can be very cathartic, even if there’s nothing you can do to alter the stressful situation.
Learn to forgive. Accept the fact that we live in an imperfect world and that people make mistakes. Let go of anger and resentments. Free yourself from negativity energy by forgiving and moving on.

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Peer Pressure and Risk Taking

2011-10-06T11:25:00.015+11:00

Peer pressure negative or positive will have lifelong consequences. Insure good doses of positiveness in a young person’s life.
- Ken B Marslew, CEO of EIE
Youth is a period characterised by rapid psychological and physical transition, where young people progress from being dependent children to independent adults. In this stage of life, people may be vulnerable to the influences of peer pressure, and may be inclined to experiment, push boundaries and take risks that could impact on their immediate and longer term health and wellbeing. These risky behaviours include risk drinking, illicit drug use and dangerous driving with some of the potential consequences: being charged with criminal offences, being involved in an accident or violence; hospitalisation and, in some cases, death.

Youth is often the stage of life when young people begin to experiment with alcohol and other drugs, often followed their peers’ ‘everyone is doing it’.

The difference between negative and positive peer pressure

“A healthy part of every child’s development is involvement with their peers. This is especially true during adolescence as teenagers develop a sense of independence from their parents.” – by Bruce A.Epstein

We all feel pressure (either from inside or outside ourselves) to be like other people. Peer pressure plays a big role in determining who we are and how we talk, act and dress. How we chose to react to peer pressure defines who we are as an individual. Are you a leader or a follower? Another thing to remember is that people in groups act differently and do things they’d never do on their own. Why? Because we all lose at least some of our identity in a group. And the normal controls we put on our behaviour can crumble before the need we all feel to fit in and be respected by others.

The difference between negative and positive peer pressure is the outcome. Good friends can encourage teens to get involved in positive activities, help them learn good social skills and other ways to work out problems, and give teens good advice.

Negative peer pressure is when teens feel pressured to do something they know is wrong, such as doing drugs, smoking, drinking, stealing, or something they don’t want to do such as having sex, etc.

Why young people (and not young too..) are vulnerable to negative peer pressure?

● To be accepted and liked by people their own age

● To appear grown up

● Afraid of being rejected

● Afraid of losing a friend

● Afraid of being teased /bullied

● Don’t know how to say “no”

● To be a part of the group, don’t feel alone

● Don’t know what they really want

Tips for parents

" Parents should not underestimate the role of peers in a teenager’s life, but should try to encourage their child to have his own ideas, opinions and wants. " by Jolien Sichien

“Adolescents want to be independent and dependent at the same time,” says Benjamin Siegel, MD, paediatrician. “On one hand, they want to assert their independence. On the other, they need their parents.” Yours rules and structure give your teen a framework for understanding the world, even if he protests.
When teens were asked what their parents could do to discourage drinking, the answers were surprisingly simple:

● Talk to us.

Teens say they want to know what their parents think and how they make decisions

● Punish us.

Teens who break rules typically wait to see what happens. If there are no consequences, the rules don’t matter.

● Limit overnight visits.

Not having to go home can be too much freedom to handle

● Wait up for us.

Knowing they have to face mum or dad, or both, in a few hours makes most teens think twice about the shape they will be in when they get home.

Parents need to set clear expectations for behaviour, establish rules about communicating where and with whom their teenagers are spending their time. By communicating your expectations and consequences, your adolescent cannot claim they “did not know” that you would be upset.These boundaries need to be included in your teenager's internet use.

If you really believe that a particular peer group is negatively impacting you child, it is important to deal with reasons your teen is being influenced in this direction. An adolescent is drawn to a particular group because it “feeds” them in some way.

He or she may have problems with self-confidence and self-esteem and feel it is necessary to fit in any way possible. Parents will not change the teen’s attitude by forbidding access to these peers. They can only change the attitude by dealing with the primary issues that cause it in the first place.

“Talk to your children about peer pressure. Explain what a powerful force it can be, and... tell them that you will never accept the excuse that “Everyone did it”... that they will be held responsible for their actions.” Tom McMahon

If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your teenager about behaviour and choices – not the friends. Encourage your teen’s independence by supporting decision making based on principles and not other people. Encourage reflective thinking by helping your teen think about his or her actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behaviour.

If you are in Sydney, please contact our Counselling Unit to arrange a private counselling sessions with your teen on 02 9542 4029.

Tips for Adolescence

It’s important to have a strong self-image because it develops confidence in what you do and how you relate to your peers and loved one.

Peer pressure is testing your will to refuse something you don’t want to do, or know that is wrong for you such as high-risk behaviours.

What consequences?

Drugs and alcohol have really consequences that can affect the quality of your life for a long time. Think about the changes in brain chemistry that can follow periods of drug use. Think about it. You can be involved in an accident, violence crime, and hospitalisation.

Learn how to handle peer pressure
Peer pressure can be direct or indirect. Peer pressure can be negative and positive. But even pressure to do good things can be bad for you, if you don’t learn to say NO when you need to.

Practice ways to say No:
Avoid following PEER PRESSURE such as, "...if you're my friend, you'll help me; if you love me, you'll have sex with me; if you want me to be happy, you'll go along with my plan." These are bully tactics -- don't fall for them!

You can say:
● “Not tonight. I have to study.”
● “No, thanks. I am in training.”
● “Hey! No way!”
● “Just leave me alone.”
● Alcohol’s NOT my thing.
● Back OFF!
● Why do you keep pressuring me when I’ve said NO?
● “I’m fine.”

Learn to Say NO nicely – “N.I.C.E” to say NO

N: Say “No”. Not “maybe” or “later”.
I: Follow with an “I” statement: “I’m not going to .... , it is not part of my life plan”
C: If pressure continues, “Change”. Change the topic. Change your conversation partner. Change the location.
E: If these strategies do not help, you need “Exit “plan. Leave a bad situation immediately.

Sometimes you can feel pressure just watching how others act or dress (indirect peer pressure), without them saying a word to you. This “unspoken pressure” is especially hard to resist, because instead of standing up to a friend, you are standing up to how you feel inside. In this case, your best strategy is to decide what you really want and always being true to yourself and your values. Think about your options and what consequences will be of your decisions and actions.It actually takes courage to be your own person. Don’t forget, there is no other person exactly like you. We are all unique, and can’t really be compared to anyone because our experiences have all been different. Have confidence that you can do what you set out to do in life, without relying on what other people think.
A true friend will take NO for an answer and not try to make you do something you don’t want to do. And you will find that when you are self confident, you exert an energy that makes others want to be around you.

Enough is Enough have been successfully presenting programs in primary and secondary schools, Juvenile Justice and adult Correctional Centres for over ten years. Young people navigating today's social mine field have the opportunity to take on board information based on dealing with real life challenges.

Our presenters, including CEO Ken Marslew AM, present with real life and academic experience few other people have, and bring an engaging passion for the role.

Programs include responsibility, resilience, leadership tools, alternative schools of thought and tools for positive change. These programs are suitable for students, teachers, youth at risk and those who work with them. We also have programs for those with special needs. Programs are presented nationally.
Click here to learn more about our programs for Youth.

Resources:

1. Denise Witmer, The difference between negative and positive peer pressure.

2. Jennifer James, Peer pressure and choices: How to Think for Yourself.

3. Joanne Barker, Brunilda Nazario, MD, Teens and Peer Pressure.

4. Port Clinton, Help Teens Say No!

5. Parents, Speak Up! U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

6. ABS Statistics

New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

Staying Safe (tips for teens and... adults)

2011-09-29T14:26:00.011+10:00

We face risk every day in the things we do. The food we eat is a form of risk taking. You may be allergic to it. Going out and having fun, first date, online chatting, driving, parties with friends and holidays trips –yes, it is a great time in your life, but all of these have a series of risks attached. All our behaviours, emotions, feelings and words also involve some risk in terms of dangerous and unpredictable consequences.

Safe means zero risk and is not achievable at all times in all places under all circumstances.
Safety Behaviour is managed risk-taking behaviour and is achievable.
Safety Behaviour depends on Risk Perception.

How much is ‘at risk’? Shaping our perception of risks

Are dangers really increasing or are we more afraid?

Risk perception is an essential factor in every human decision making.

Our perspective affects how we identify risk, how we see the level of risk and in turn, evaluate these risks and make a decision. Each of us envisages risk as a result of what we believe to be the likely outcome, the chance of the outcome actually occurring and how concerned we are if it does happen.

There are internal (memory, experience, mood) and external (physical environment, sensory information) factors that contribute to influence our perception and the decisions we make.

A large element of our memory is based on previous experience, so it is logical that our perception of risk is also influenced by prior experience. Many psychologists believe that we repress memories of traumatic experiences and what we recall is not always an accurate reflection of events or today’s reality.

Our mood affects how we function and our risk perception. Mood gets in the way of retrieving information: if we are feeling grumpy, we are more likely to recall negative events and situations whereas if we are content we focus on happy memories. People in positive moods increase the likelihood of helpful, safe behaviours. People in negative moods use less information to make decisions, are more selective of what information they pay attention to, are less detailed in their approach. As a result, their ability to manage safety risks may be reduced.

Knowledge and information is the core contributor to risk management and safety.

By being informed we are able to better indentify the risks and can make an informed decision because we better understand the consequences. If we do not know or understand the situation or do not have an experience base on which to make informed decisions, we may choose to take a calculated risk level, using 2 risk components such as likelihood and consequence.

Making a decision to be safe

We make decisions every day; consciously or unconsciously, on how we are going to behave. Keep in mind that at every stage of your life you will have risk, it’s important to understand what these risks are and have a plan to minimize the consequences.

Step 1: Identify the risks
Step 2: Decide how risky it is
Step 3: Evaluate the situation and make a decision

Example: Safe Celebrating

Party safe: This or this?

Step 1: Identify the risks:

Risks associated with being young include:

• a desire for sensation

• a tendency towards high-risk behaviours

• the impact of group/peer dynamics

• a lack of maturity

Risks associated with substance use include:

• inexperience with alcohol

• a tendency towards binge drinking -intoxication/ reduced inhibition

• the use of illegal drugs

Risks associated with places chosen for celebrations include:

• unsupervised use of facilities, especially around

water (beaches, rivers, pools)

• limited supervision/emergency support

Risks associated with road use include:

• increased independent use of roads

and vehicles

• inexperience of drivers

• car overcrowding

• many of the activities occurring at night

• fatigue

• limited transport options

(Source: http://www.youthsafe.org/images/initiatives/scg_section1.pdf)

Step 2: Decide how risky it is for you using your experience, knowledge, research and our risk level calculator

There are six signs that tell you when a risk is NOT a good idea. If any of the following apply, think twice before you taking the risk.
1. There's a good chance you could lose everything.
You drink too much, lose your wallet with all ID and money, plus your mobile. No way to get home and no phone to call home..
2. You have to put a lot on the line to get only a little.
You risk your health and life experimenting with amphetamines at a party because others told you it was OK.
3. There are too many factors you can't control.
You drink too much at a party, cannot control those around you and what they do to you, cannot control yourself and what you do, cannot control your stomach (in from of everyone).
4. You feel the odds are against you.
Peer pressure among friends can be overwhelming if you choose to listen.
5. There is no way to fix the outcome if it doesn't turn out how you want.
People take photos of you on their mobiles while you are drunk. These get sent to the internet instantly – no control to reverse the situation, they are on the internet forever.
6. You have to take the risk before having a chance to prepare and/or evaluate it.
You get drunk, get into a fight with a friend, throw up on your friend and break something before you realise you have had too much to drink.

Step 3: Evaluate the situation and make a decision

Make a decision to be safe and develop your own safety plan. The follow tips can be part of your safety plan.

1. Know the people who’s party you are attending

2. If you chose to drink, have a sober ride home

3. Never accept any drink that you did not prepare or see prepared yourself

4. Never leave a party with someone you don not know well

5. Never walk alone at night

6. If you have an alcoholic beverage in your hand – do not go outside

7. If you are drinking, do so responsibly

We hope that our tips and ideas will help you to minimize the risks of having a good time and keep you in safety!

Source: Taking Risks: How to Take Calculated Risks to Get Ahead in Anything

by www.SixWise.com

New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

How to Be Happy

2011-09-23T13:38:00.019+10:00

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JOY: HOW IT WORKS

We have feelings about our needs (like food, air, water, etc.).
When needs are satisfied we feel joy.

We have feelings about our wants (for love and affection, even for things like a new house, car, etc.).
When wants are satisfied we feel joy.

Our emotions constantly push us toward joy. When we use our anger positively, we increase our odds of getting what we want and to feel joy.

When we use our sadness positively, we replace what we’ve lost and feel joy again.

When we use our fear well, we protect ourselves and feel joy.

We feel excited whenever we are “on our way” toward what we want! Excitement mobilizes our energy to keep us on track toward joy.

Source: About Joy by Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist

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TAKING THE TIME TO FEEL THE JOY

Life is changing constantly, and that means that our wants, needs, feelings and choices are changing too. We need to re-evaluate them on a regular basis.

Ask yourself questions:
“What is truly important to me in my life, and why?”
“What is in my day that is stopping me feeling happy?”.

Your goal is to find your top priorities in your life and focus on what really matters for you. Make sure you know what are your true needs and wants, and why. Everyone you know probably has an opinion about what should be important to you. Keep in mind that this is your life, your needs and your wants.

Consider a Concept Living by Half by Jonar C. Nader : “Half everything in your life that is not adding value to you , so you will have time to double anything else that creates value and bring more daily enjoyment.” Try to balance your “need to do” activities with a few things you really want to do.
It is important to make time every day for the things you really enjoy.

GETTING MORE JOY IN YOUR LIFE

Give yourself small doses of joy regularly using your IMAGINATION.
The easiest way to get more joy in your life is to simply IMAGINE that you’ve got something you want. Close your eyes and picture a situation or place that feels peaceful and joyful. Are you a music lover? Tune in to the soundtrack of nature-crashing waves and birds singing. Buy a small fountain, so you can enjoy the soothing sound of running water in your home. Surround yourself with smells using scented candles, scented sheets, or your favourite perfume.
Consider the habitual regular joys.
Every single time we take care of a bodily need we feel a considerable amount of joy. Experiment with your sense of touch: give yourself a hand or neck massage, wear clothing that feels soft against your skin, pet a dog or cat. Taste! When we eat a great meal we feel quite a bit of joy. Movement ! Anything that engages the muscles can work: go for a short walk, dance, even some simple breathing exercises can bring more joy to you.
Don’t forget about the joy of getting “Stuff”, but remember that this feels good only for a relatively short while.
There is real joy to be had from getting stuff (everything from new clothes to a new house). Take the time to enjoy these things, but don’t be surprised when you notice that abrupt end to such joys. The excitement of a new car usually lasts only a few days or weeks, and it then just becomes background. The excitement of new shoes, or clothes last only hours or days before it become background.
Give and receive joy of affection & attention.
Hang out with people who bring out the best in you. Send blessings to people who are hurting, imprisoned, or in pain. We all want the same three things: to give love, to receive love and to know that we matter. Simple acts of kindness such as a smile at strangers or giving a compliment will not cost you anything, but they add enjoyment to your life and the lives of those around you.
The BIGGEST JOYS will come!
The biggest joys of life come from getting your needs met regularly and from getting big doses of attention and affection. Regularly examine your life’s priorities, your new wants and needs and give them first place in your life. Take care of your own needs and wants, plan your time for small and “stuff” joys and your biggest joys will definitely come!

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IT ALL COMES DOWN TO THIS:

After each bite of food,
After each trip to the bathroom(!),
after each “stroke” you get from the people who like you,
after every opportunity for joy,
stop everything for a moment
and
NOTICE THAT GOOD FEELING OF JOY!

Source: About Joy by Tony Schirtzinger, Therapist
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Building Resilience in Youth

2011-09-12T11:43:00.008+10:00

Resilience. We hear this word a lot these days! What does it mean? The Oxford dictionary definition is “Recoiling, springing back, resuming original form after stretching or bending.””Person – recovering from depression.”

What does it mean in real terms?

The ability to bounce back from a difficult situation and in some cases take a completely new perspective on that and other difficult situations.
Manage life’s challenges, changing and pressure effectively.
Cope and adapt to adversity.

You Cannot Change What Has Happened
You Can Control How You Think About It

When some thing ( a plan, a project, a relationship, a situation) does not go the way you want it to go, what is the first question most people ask? WHY ME? This is the wrong question! What happens when you ask the wrong question? Yes! You get the wrong answer and a lot of negative feedback.

What then would be the right question? WHAT CAN I LEARN FROM WHAT JUST HAPPENED? And you get a completely different interpretation back – and a positive lesson can be learnt.

Resilience is like a muscle – when you develop the right exercises you can build resilience. Negative thoughts are the biggest threats for building resilience. Some people have resilience muscles built in, others need to develop them.

Some people allow fear to stop them from seeing the opportunities in situations.

Fear in most cases is:

False

Evidence

Appearing

Real

Courage: Not the absence of fear or despair but the strength to move forward in spite of them

Resilience is associated with the following factors:

- HAPPINESS

What makes you happy? Do more of it!

- SELF ESTEEM

You are a worthwhile person! Love yourself!

- ENERGY

Are you sleeping enough, exercising enough, eating the right food?

- OPTIMISM

Do you look for the positives, not the negatives – the reasons why you can, not the reasons why you cannot.

- DIRECTION

Do you have your goals for the future written down? Do it now!

Understanding Emotions

This is one of our greatest challenges. We sometimes misinterpreted our own feelings.

The only person we have the power to change is us.
Other people will only change if they want to.

We sometimes misinterpreted other people feelings. All of the factors we have mentioned, you have control over when you understand yourself and your emotions.

The most important relationship you will ever have – is with you.
Reading books, attending courses, mixing with positive people will help you understand your emotions and how they effect you and other people.

There have been many good books written on developing Resilience in young people.
Two of that I recommend:

Learned Optimism by Dr Martin Seligman
Positivity by Dr Barbara Fredrickson

by Ken B Marslew, CEO of Enough is Enough

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PADALAR in the C of LIFE

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Stress Management : Finding the Relaxation that Work for You

2011-09-08T11:50:00.019+10:00

People who are emotionally healthy are in control of their emotions and their behaviour. They are able to handle life’s inevitable challenges, build strong relationships, and lead productive fulfilling lives. When bad things happen, they’re able to bounce back and move on.

One of the key factors in your emotional health is the ability to balance your emotions. The capacity to recognize your emotions and express them appropriately helps you avoid getting stuck in depression, anxiety, or other negative mood states.

Stress takes a heavy toll on emotional health, so it’s important to keep it under control. While not all stresses can be avoided, stress management strategies can help you bring things back into balance. Managing stress is all about taking charge: taking charge of your thoughts, your emotions, your schedule, your environment, and the way you deal with problems.

Dealing with Stressful Situations: The Four A’s Strategies

Think about the way you currently manage and cope with stress in your life. Are you coping strategies healthy or unhealthy, helpful or unproductive?

Unhealthy strategies of coping with stress include smoking; drinking alcohol; overeating; zoning out for hours in front of the TV or computer; withdrawing from friends, family , activities; using pills to relax; procrastinating; taking out your stress on others; filling up every minute of the day to avoid facing problems.

We highly recommend reading:
Stress Management Strategies ( four As)

There are many healthy ways to manage and cope with stress, but they all require change. You can either change the situation or change your reaction.

When deciding which option to choose, it’s helpful to think of the four As: avoid, alter, adapt, or accept. Since everyone has a unique response to stress, there is no ‘one size fits all’ solution to managing it. No single method works for everyone or in every situation, so experiment with different techniques and strategies. Focus on what makes you feel calm and in control.

Change the situation:

Avoid the stressor – Stress management strategy #1 (Avoid unnecessary stress)

Alter the stressor – Stress management strategy #2 ( Alter the situation)

Change your reaction:

Adapt to the stressor – Stress management strategy #3 (Adapt to the stressor)

Accept the stressor – Stress management strategy #4 (Accept the things you can’t change).

Stress management strategy #5:
Find the relaxation that is working for you and make regular time for it

Beyond a take-charge approach and a positive attitude, you can reduce stress in your life by nurturing yourself. If you regularly make time for fun and relaxation, you will be in a better place to handle life’s stressors when they inevitable come.

Identify your body’s stress response:

Internally, we all respond to stress the same: our blood pressure rises, our heart pumps faster, and our muscles constrict. When stressed, our bodies work hard and drain our immune system.

Externally, however, people tend to respond to stress in three different ways: some become angry and agitated, others space out or withdraw, and still others freeze up.

How do you act when stressed?

Overexcited stress response – If you tend to become angry, agitated, or keyed up under stress, you will response best to stress relief activities that quiet you down such as meditation, deep breathing, or guided imagery.

Under excited stress response – If you tend to become depressed, withdrawn, or spaced out under stress, you will respond best to stress relief activities that are stimulating and that energize your nervous system, such as rhythmic exercise.

Frozen stress response (both overexcited and under excited) – If you tend to freeze: speeding up in some ways while slowing down in others, your challenge is to identify stress relief activities that provide both safety and stimulation to help you ‘reboot’ your system. Techniques such as mindfulness walking or power yoga might work well for you.

Making relaxation techniques a part of your life

The best way to start and maintain a relaxation practice is to incorporate it into your daily routine. Between work, family, school, and other commitments, though, it can be tough for many people to find the time.

• If possible, schedule a set time to practice each day

Set aside one or two periods each day. Don’t allow other obligations to encroach. This is your time to take a break from all responsibilities and recharge your batteries.

• Practice relaxation techniques while you are doing other things

Meditate while commuting to work on a bus or train, or waiting for a dentist appointment. Try deep breathing while you are doing housework or mowing the lawn. Mindfulness walking can be done while exercising your dog, walking to your car, or climbing the stairs at work instead of using the elevator.

• If you exercise, improve the relaxation benefits by adopting mindfulness

Instead of zoning out or staring at a TV as you exercise, try focusing your attention on your body. If you are resistance training, for example, focus on coordinating your breathing with your movements and pay attention to how your body feels as you raise and lower the weights.

Learning stress management will not happen overnight. Like any skill, it takes time, self-exploration and above all, practice. But think of it as an education with a huge payoff.

Resources: http://www.helpguide.org/toolkit/emotional_health.htm

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Are You Ready for Change?

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Dealing with Anger

2011-09-02T11:42:00.009+10:00

Who is permitted to upset you? What is in your day that stopping you feeling happy? Why Anger is good for us? Let's talk about Anger. Learn a new concept 'Living by Half' from Jonar Nader in our new short online video "Let's Talk About Anger".

In dealing with anger two positions are usually taken, neither of which work:

1. Passive non-resistant when others treat you unfairly. This is meaningless false humility, and often encourages the other person to treat you that way.

2. Freely venting anger, when this is done it encourages others to also be angry and respond with resentment.

What to do instead?

We need to be encouraged to take personal inventory, responsibility, and ownership of our anger.

BE ASSERTIVE!

• Respect yourself and others (Treat others like you want to be treated)

• Be honest about your feelings to yourself and don’t hide them from others

• Deal with facts (Don’t dwell in the past)

• Focus on your goals

• Look for common ground and the solution and be willing to negotiate

By Kimi Alcott, taken from Enough is Enough “Promise Keeper” program

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Anger Management Using the Compliment Sandwich

Anger Management and Violent Behaviour

How to Handle Difficult People - It's Your Choice!

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Online Safety

2011-08-31T11:05:00.008+10:00

Online safety is used interchangeably with terms such as Internet safety, cyber-safety, Internet security, online security and cyber-security. The risk of using computers, mobile phones and other electronic devices to access the Internet or other social media (SMS) is that breaches of privacy may lead to fraud, identity theft and unauthorised access to personal information.

For a child, going online may not only place their immediate emotional health at risk, but also potentially lead to physical harm. This is particularly so where little or no attention has been paid to the security of the device being used. The Internet has its share of dangers and risks for children, such as cyber bullying, stalking, or exposure to illicit materials. Criminal offenders have proved to be highly skilled at exploiting new models of communications to gain access to children, and adult-only materials can be easily accessed by children if there are no protective mechanisms in place.

While online safety is important for protecting children from dangerous and inappropriate websites and materials, this does not mean that parents should discourage their children from accessing the Internet. The challenge is to help children enjoy the benefits of going online while avoiding the risks.

Practical tips for parents to help children use the Internet

Monitor

Talk calmly and frankly with your child and other family members about Internet activities.
Keep the computer in a shared family area where you can monitor how long your child is online as well as the websites your child is visiting.
Together with your child, set up some simple and fair rules about Internet use. This may include setting reasonable limits on the amount of screen time that your child is allowed.
For older children, a written Internet use agreement with them will help to make rules clear.
Use the History button in the browser program. It will allow tracking of the websites that your child visits.
Find out if your child’s school has an Internet policy and how Internet safety is maintained there.
Remember that mobile phones and other digital devices can be used to access the Internet, and that use of these devices may also need to be monitored.
If there is a wireless connection in the house, turn it off when it is not in use.

Protect

Explain to your child that not all information on the Internet is good, true or helpful, and that some areas are for grown-ups only and are not intended for children to see.
Help your child identify unsuitable material by naming some things to look out for, such as sites that contain scary or rude pictures, swearing or angry words.
Use a family-friendly Internet service provider (ISP) that provides proven online safety protocols, or ask an ISP how to source and install the right kinds of Internet security products for you and your family.
Empower your child to use the Internet safely by showing your child safe sites and explaining why they are safe. It’s also important to educate your child on why it’s not safe to give out any personal details online.

Teach

Focus on the positive aspects of the Internet when you are guiding your child. Spend time looking together at sites that are fun, interesting or educational.
Encourage your child to question things on the Internet. When looking at a new site, your child could ask things like “Who is in charge of this site?”, “Have I found information, or is it just opinion?” or “Is this site trying to influence me or sell me something?”.
Search for and use educational programs or websites specifically designed for your child’s age group.

Learn

If you are not familiar with the Internet, start by learning about it yourself. All you need is a basic understanding to help you supervise and guide your child. You can check out community resources such as your local library, neighbourhood house, TAFE or Council of Adult Education programs. Many of these will provide classes or further information.

Report

See below for more advise and information sites on how to protect your family, and use the internet for the great research tool it is intended for.

Please click on this button to report abuse or receive help/advice on cyberbullying :

· Report online child sexual exploitation
Report any inappropriate sexual behaviour towards a child.

· Report inappropriate content
Report any Internet content which you believe is prohibited or inappropriate.

· Report spam
Report spam to the Australian Communications and Media Authority.

· Help and advice on cyber-bullying
Assistance on how to deal with cyber-bullying.

Note: This information is for people who live in Australia only. For advice on reporting these issues from another country, please visit the Virtual Global Taskforce website.

Resources:
http://www.aifs.gov.au/nch/pubs/sheets/rs25/rs25.pdf

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Cyber-safety:Lukes-story

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Coping with Change and Transition in Life

2011-08-30T15:52:00.020+10:00

Life is always at some turning point.
~Irwin Edman~

Transition and change are a part of life and the human experience. All of life is ever changing.

Transition and change come in many forms and can be sudden or gradually evolving, stressful, pleasurable, or a mixture of both!

We change our relationships, jobs, where we live, sometimes our values and beliefs, our goals in life; as well as changes in health. With transition and change comes some type of adjustment, roles and responsibilities can change with changing life circumstances.

The more organic transitions in life are obvious, the cycle from birth to death. In fact all of life is made up of ‘little deaths’. As we transition through life we let go of childhood for adolescence, through to our old age.

There are many positive aspects to change, these include:

new experiences and opportunities
stimulation for new ideas and ways of thinking
new strengths such as more self confidence
change helps you to prioritise and problem solve

There can be many different emotions and feelings associated with change and transition depending on life experience, situation and circumstances. Some of these might be: fear of the unknown stress and/or anxiety depression anger.

Symptoms associated with these feelings or emotions can be:

tiredness or lack of sleep
lack of concentration
feeling pessimistic
feeling overwhelmed

Some important positive strategies for coping with change and transition in life are:
to stay flexible
caring for your physical and emotional health
maintaining your life flow by keeping some kind of ‘routine’
staying in touch with friends and social networks
using stress reduction techniques such as mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises
starting a wish list of new plans and goals to fit your new circumstances
embracing the new changes
taking it one step at a time
keeping your sense of humour
talking to helpful people, such as a counsellor or someone you can trust
not allowing yourself to be vulnerable, staying safe in whatever way you need

We cannot stop change, it is a necessary part of our lives and helps build resilience physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually. Even though change at times can be painful and difficult we can usually find something positive from the experience.

If you are having difficulty accepting or transitioning through change in your life, our professional counsellors are trained facilitators of learning and change who can guide you to making better decisions and help with problem solving.

To make an enquiry or find out more about our services, please see our website www.enoughisenough.org.au or contact our office on Ph: 9542 4029

Deborah, Counsellor at Enough is Enough

Positive Life Change

We must learn to view change as a natural phenomenon - to anticipate it and to plan for it. The future is ours to channel in the direction we want to go.. we must continually ask ourselves, "What will happen if.." or better still, "How can we make it happen?".
~Lisa Taylor~

The big question: What exactly do you want to change about your life? Click here.

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Where Peace Lives

2011-07-29T10:29:00.004+10:00

By DR. WAYNE W. DYER

If you want to be a voice for peace in the world, begin by making peace a permanent condition of your own life. Your higher self knows the way, and all it takes is awareness and a determination to listen to the calling of love, forgiveness, and kindness as you move through your days. Here are a few ideas to think about:

1.       You must offer peace to have it. Think of yourself as a peaceful person. Watch out for your ego’s inclination to take offense and ramp up confrontation and disturbance in the lives of others. Try saying, “You are really having a rough day,” to a harried clerk, rather than, “I’ve been waiting for fifteen minutes already.” Let your loving presence, not your ego, guide your words and actions.
2.       Remember that grievances bring turmoil while communication brings peace. You can shed grievances by letting go of your own self-absorption and practicing forgiveness. If you are angry toward someone in your life , work at communication with that person. A few moments of discussion and forgiveness can send the turmoil away and weaken the influence of your anxiety-loving ego.
3.       Give yourself the gift of a silent retreat every day. Even if it is only for a few moments, experience this key to higher awareness. Shut down the inner dialogue and see the difference between the constant chatter and the bliss of your silent connection to the Universe. This is the surest way to ease control away from ego and move into the inner vision of peace that is your birthright.
4.       Remind yourself that the greatest technique for bringing peace into your life is to always choose being kind when you have a choice between being right or being kind. This is the single most effective method I know for having a sense of peace. And you have that choice in all your interactions.

When your higher self is present, it always promotes peace. If you have a question about whether it is your ego or your higher self speaking, the answer becomes obvious when you ask yourself,”Will this bring peace or turmoil to my life?” Peace is not found in being right or being hurt or being angry. By all means, work toward righting the wrongs you perceive, but do it with an understanding that an angry heart keeps you from knowing God on the path of your sacred quest. Peace will come to you when you a healer rather than a judge.

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New articles are published on our site weekly. To keep up to date with our new articles, please subscribe now!:

How to Handle Difficult People - It's Your Choice!

2011-07-28T15:35:00.025+10:00

How to end the emotional tug-of-war?
How to confront and handle difficult, irrational, or abusive people?

We all know people we would describe as ‘difficult’. They are everywhere around us – in our home, at the office, in clubs. Difficult people can range from mildly irritating to the totally impossible to deal with. What makes them difficult is their problem behaviour. They have a way of bringing us down to get the results they want. Our emotions are what drive us back to our most basic survival instinct: react and attack back to defend ourselves. We may lose track of our higher selves, our intelligence and our ability to control our responses. Waiting and worrying, the other common “solution”, also allows the problem to get worse while giving you stress.

“Individuals behave in a difficult manner because they have learned that doing so keeps others off balance and incapable of effective action,” says Robert M. Bramson, Ph.D, author of Coping with Difficult People.

While we cannot avoid crossing paths with difficult people – we can learn how to cope with difficult people.

Step 1: Define the nature of difficult behaviour

Begin by examining that specific behaviour and its context. Clarify the problem by asking yourself the following questions:

Why do I feel uncomfortable and frustrated?
What exactly is happening?
Why does it happen?

Every behaviour has a purpose. People do what they do based on what seems to be most important for any given moment. Try to explore why your counterpart is behaving in such a fashion.

Evaluate if their behaviour is:

1. Simply their personality style (controlling behaviour, seeks approval behaviour, seeks attention behaviour, perfectionist)

2. A cultural tendency

3. A specific tactic they are using to intimidate you

4. Due to something that recently happened in their life

To make it easier for you to understand some more common difficult personality types and their behaviour styles , we are providing below the Dr. Bramson’s(1) classification of seven common types of difficult people.

1. Openly Aggressive People

These people are the bullies who are often abusive and intimidating. They believe their “victims” are weak and deserve the treatment they give them. They are therefore stimulated by signs of weakness. There are three subtypes in this group.

Sherman Tank

● Attack not just your idea or project, but you personally as well

● Confrontational, pointed and angry

● The ultimate in pushy behaviour

Snipers

● Feel very strongly about how others should think and act

● Rude comments, biting sarcasm

● Attempts to make you look foolish

Exploder

● After initial calm, explodes into uncontrolled ranting and raving

2. Complainers

● Feel overwhelmed by an unfair world

● Bring their problems to you

Complainers find fault with everything. These are fearful people who have little faith in themselves and others because they believe in a hostile world. It can be difficult to recognize a true Complainer. They are skilled at starting problems in such a critical manner that it is hard to separate real problems from complaints. And people around them become defensive because they know the Complainer will be the first to blame them if something goes wrong. Complainers themselves feel powerless to correct the situations they complain about. Relying on others to fix the problem perpetuates their own belief that they are without blame or fault.

To help you If you can find out why your counterpart is behaving in a certain way, your best approach may become clear.

3. Clams

● No verbal feedback

● No non-verbal feedback

● Nothing

These people react to questions you have posed, controversial statements you have made, and indeed any situation they deem disagreeable, by clamming up. Just when you want a response, they may grunt, give a no or yes or more likely say nothing. It is difficult to discern a Clam from a quiet person. However, quiet people are not likely to avoid direct questions, whereas Clams are. For instance, you have asked a colleague to not park so close to your car in the company parking lot. A Clam will say nothing. A quiet person will at least respond in some way. The biggest problem in dealing with Clams is you don’t know what the silence or lack of response means.

4. Super – Agreeables

What is so difficult about communicating with someone who is always pleasant and supportive of your ideas ? Nothing, until you want that person to do something for you. Super-Agreeables want to be liked and accepted by everyone, so to achieve this they are outgoing, sociable and very personable. However, the danger here is they will agree with you about one thing and then agree with the next person whose ideas are contrary to yours. At work, the Super-Agreeable will volunteer to do every job and get none of them done.

5. “NO Person”

● Able to defeat big ideas with a single syllable

● Deadly to morale

6. “Know –it-All”

● Has a low tolerance for correction and contradiction

7.” Maybe Person”

● Procrastinates in hope that a better choice will present itself

Indecisives, or Maybe Persons , are very helpful people; however, they put off making decisions which might upset someone. The serious problem here is that indecisiveness can work – most unmade decisions become irrelevant through time. For them , not making a decision is a compromise between being honest and not hurting someone.

Once you’ve thought about the situation and identified the specific types of behaviour that bother you, you’ll probably want to go on to qualifying your acceptance of the behaviour by evaluating its positive and negative effects.

Step 2: Qualifying

Understanding the motives and reasons for problem behaviour makes solving the problem much easier. Before you act, pay attention to the effects of the behaviour. Once you know how the behaviour fits into your life, and how severe the effects are, you may decide that you are willing to accept the behavour. However, most people who encounter inconsiderate behaviour usually want to modify some aspect of the situation.

Here is What Doesn’t Work:
1. Sending solutions
Common phrases that indicate solving include: “Stop doing.. and start...”, “What if you...”, “Why don’t you..” Telling people what to do does not work. The more you push solutions on people, the more they pull away from you and your suggestion.
2. Moralizing
Common phrases that indicate moralizing include: “You should..”, “It would be good for you to..”, “Stop doing wrong..”
3. Complaints
“I wish Bill wasn’t so damn annoying.” If you complain, you are the difficult person. You become no better than the person you try to change.
4. Criticism
People criticize to build change. “I’m results-focused. I criticize people to get things done.” Avoid criticism because it intensifies conflict. Criticized individuals feel unworthy and less important.

Step 3: Strategies to manage difficult behaviours

Generally, to deal with any type of difficult behaviour you have 4 choices:
1st Choice: Stay and do nothing
2nd Choice: Remove the person from your life
3rd Choice: Change your behaviour
4th Choice: Change your attitude

1st Choice: Stay and do nothing

Ask yourself two questions:

“If I do not respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?”

“If I do respond, what is the worst thing that can result from it?”

Answering these questions often ads perspective to the situation, and you’ll realize that nothing good will come out of reacting. Your energy will be wasted, and your inner space disturbed.

Some people react to difficult people by accepting their behaviour. They often find confrontation unpleasant and would prefer to overlook the matter completely. They have the right to express their own opinions and we have the right and will power to choose our responses.
We can choose peace or we can choose conflict. If this will not make you to feel like a victim, it can be your choice.

2nd Choice: Remove the person from your life

Start with listing out things in your life most important to you. Then ask yourself:, “Will a communication with this person contribute to the things that matter most to me?”.

Sometimes it’s the best option. If your landlord is really bad, consider moving. If your boss or co-workers are terrible, leave. Eleanor Reesevelt said,” You are nobody’s victim without your permission.”

3rd Choice: Change your behaviour

Difficult people have learned, often from childhood that being difficult puts other people at a disadvantage. It’s that disadvantage they count on to get the results they want.

Possibly the most critical thing you need remember is not to let difficult people get the upper hand – remain on an equal basis with them. If you will change the way you deal with people and they will need to learn new ways to deal with you.

We highly recommend reading:
Active Listening as an Anger Managment Technique

Once you ‘ve clarified the issue and understand the details of the problem behaviour and its causes, you will be able to take charge of an unpleasant situation and redirect its result.

Here is some strategies to cope with some common types of difficult people:

Sherman Tank:
Your new behaviour: assertive , polite, professional
Your goal: assertively express your own views, not try to win a battle of right and wrong.

The most important aspect of coping with Sherman Tanks is to stand up for yourself, don’t fight and turn the Tank into a constructive discussion. Openly aggressive people expect others to either run away from them or react with rage. It is important to make your difference of opinion known and understood. Throughout the attack, in whatever form it takes, continue to reassert that your opinion differs and why.
You may have to interrupt Sherman Tanks to get into the conversation because they are not likely to pause to giver you the chance. To get their attention, say their name in a loud, clear voice.
Present your own point of view, in an assertive fashion, by using phrases such as “In my opinion...”; “I disagree with you...”.

In this way , you are not telling the Sherman Tank what to do, but rather you are expressing your opinions.
Avoid public situations where the Tank’s pride demands victory at all costs. If possible, invite him aside for a private chat. Don’t be surprised if you only gain trust and respect from a Sherman Tank after you start standing up for yourself.

Snipers:

Your new behaviour: assertive , polite, professional
Your goal: to give them an alternative to a direct conflict by asking questions rather than making statements

Snipers, like Sherman Tanks, feel very strongly about how others should think and act.
The first step in coping with Snipers is to force them out into the open. Ask questions like, “That sounded like a dig. Was it?”. Then, if your Sniper responds by ridiculing you even further, say something like,” Sounds like you are ridiculing me. Are you?”; “ That sounds like you are making fun of me. Are you?”. A sniper usually replies to such accusations with denial,” I am only joking.”

By asking the questions, you have stood up to the Sniper and are ready to take the next step towards coping.
Don’t agree with the Sniper’s criticisms. Try to discover the real problem and deal with it. Remember, that questioning covert attacks will reduce the chance for similar attacks in the future.

Exploders:

Your new behaviour: assertive , patient , polite, professional
Your goal: to wait for the person to run out of some steam, then assert your own opinions with confidence

To cope with an Exploder, wait for the outburst to come to an end. It is common for Exploders to suddenly realize where they are and what they are doing and then to quiet very quickly. But, if there doesn’t seem to be an imminent pause in the explosion, you should try to bring it to a close. Try saying “Right, Right!” “Wait a minute” or “Yes. Yes!” with enough loudness that they can hear. Suddenly standing up may also catch their attention long enough to break the tantrum.
Once Exploders have settled down, make sure they know you take them seriously by saying things like “ I can see this is very important to you and I would like to talk about it, but not like this.’
Complainers:
Your new behaviour: cooperative with optimism
Your goal: to help with to see the other side of the situation

The one successful way of coping with Complainers is to help them take a problem – solving perspective toward their complaints.

The first step is to listen to their complaints. Then acknowledge what they are saying by repeating it back to them, and you may have to interrupt them to do this. As you acknowledge, use specific examples to avoid words like never and always – two of the Complainer’s favourites.

Don’t agree with the Complainer, and there is a difference between acknowledge and agree. Agreeing with the Complainer is admitting your role in the problems. You are validating the belief that they are blameless and the responsibility is all yours.
Now, move quickly into problem-solving. Ask the Complainer questions to help identify the real source of the problem. Help the Complainer to see the other side of the situation.
Silent People:
Your new behaviour: cooperative
Your goal: to get them to talk

Ask them questions that can’t be answered with just a “Yes” or “no”, such as, “Why is it uncomfortable for you to answer my questions?”; “How do you feel about this?” or “What are your ideas?”. Then wait at least one full minute before you say anything. This long silence may make them uncomfortable enough to say something.

To stop yourself from jumping in with more conversation, be to the point and say something like”I expected you to say something, and you are not. What does that mean?(another open-ended question).

If you are still at an impasse, begin to give your thoughts, observations or ideas on the matter and once again, end with an open-ended question. Be prepared at this point, to hear something like “Can I go now?” from them. “Not yet, I still have some other things on my mind”, is a good response. Using the following statements or questions may help the silent people to get started.
“You look distressed.”; “ Don’t worry about starting at the beginning. What’s on your mind right now?”. If and when they do start talking, listen carefully.
Negativists:
Your new behaviour: cooperative, task focus
Your goal: to avoid getting drawn in to their negativity and stay with your own action plan

Negativists are extremely pessimistic and more bitter than complainers. Usually, they feel defeated or powerless in regard to the situation. And the more you try to solve a problem or improve a situation, the more negative they become.
When coping with Negativists, don’t try to persuade them out of their pessimism. State your own realistic optimism but don’t argue with their point of view. If a new idea is being considered, quickly point out the possible negative repercussions yourself and then include the Negativist in the discussion which you are leading. If it seems impossible to get the Negativist seeing things your way, then you may have to take action on your own and simply announce your plans to the Negativist.
Know-it-alls:
Your new behaviour: assertive
Your goal: to be aware for their behaviour in yourself

When dealing with a think-they-know-it-all, state the facts as an alternative version. Offering an alternative version will give them a way out while still looking smart and important.
Ask question to introduce the possible alternatives, “I realize this may not be what we will be doing , but could we consider this...”. At some point in the conversation , they will realize you are an expert and will panic. Allow them to save themselves from embarrassment.

4th Choice: Change your attitude about the person

Change your attitude will set you free from your reaction to the problem you see in their behaviour. You need to learn to see them differently, listen to them differently and feel differently around them.

We highly recommend reading:
Self-compassion as a coping strategy
during stressful life events

Always remember that people who irritate us usually have something to show us about ourselves. For example, being around your chronically late friend can remind you how quick-tempered and impatient you can be. Know thyself and recognize what triggers your own responses, especially when you are pushed, cajoled, or just plain tired?

What would the Dali Lama do if he was in this situation? He would most likely forgive. Ask yourself, “What is it about this situation or person that I can seek to understand and forgive?”. Ask yourself “Does it matter if I am right?” If yes, then ask “Why do I need to be right? What will I gain?”.
Be proactive, not reactive. Reactive persons blame circumstances for their reality. Proactive persons create what they want regardless of constricting circumstances. Create a value in yourself to be proactive and treat people with respect and you will feel proud, empowered, and in control of your life – regardless of whether you successfully handle the situation.

Don’t blame people for how they make you feel. The degree you are a victim of someone’s behaviour controls the impact it has on you. Take responsibility for how you feel. Prevent people from entering and exiting your emotional state at will.

Remember:

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it!

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Ten Keys for Building a Resilient Mindset

2011-07-12T13:05:00.012+10:00

In their latest book The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence, and Personal Strength in Your Life, psychologists Brooks and Goldstein describe how adults can develop a "resilient mindset." According to the authors, while the word "resilient" is usually associated with people overcoming great adversity, daily stress often requires resilience. Using many examples from their clinical practice, Brooks and Goldstein outline how this mindset is best achieved.

This article represents a brief summary of this book, highlighting 10 keys for building a resilient mindset. Each concept covered in each of the chapters of the book.

Do you often feel stressed? According ABS 64% of adults in Australia experienced at least one personal periodic or frequent stress in the 12 months. Stress has been implicated in, or reported to exacerbate, a wide spectrum of physical problems, including heart disease, stroke, and obesity. These statistics might prompt some people to become even more worried, but that is not our intention. If we recognize the effect stress has on our lives, we will be better prepared to manage it and learn to lead more productive, satisfying, healthy and resilient lives. Being resilient does not mean we eliminate all risks or adverse conditions, but rather when they arise we deal with these conditions effectively.
Resilient individuals posses a particular mindset and accompanying skills that help them respond to life’s challenges with confidence and grace. What are the features of this mindset? What assumptions do resilient people have about themselves that reduce their vulnerability to stress and help them to cope more productively? Certainly, one’s lifestyle, including exercise, diet, and sleep all influence the effectiveness with which stress is managed. But how do you nurture such a healthy existence?

In this article, we will describe ten keys for developing stress hardiness and a resilient mindset and lifestyle. As you read each key, ask yourself, “Am I practicing this? If not, what must I change to strengthen my resilient mindset?” Also, remember that changing one’s mindset and behaviour takes time. Be realistic in what you can accomplish within a certain timeframe. Each small step leads to reaching a larger goal.

Key 1: Rewrite Your Negative Scripts

Do you find yourself saying or doing the same ineffective things over and over again? It is impressive how many people do. We often become trapped, blindly following a prescribed script that does not allow for change or creativity in the face of stress and problems. Yet, we are the authors of our lives. We can move from less satisfying, less productive scripts, to ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving that foster a resilient mindset. Identify the negative scripts in your life or things you would like to change. Define short and long-term goals related to these issues. Consider new scripts, select one that you believe has the greatest chance for success, plan for obstacles, and follow through. Change cannot take place unless we become active participants in our lives.

Key2: Choose a Path to Become Stress Hardy Rather Than Stressed Out

Research indicates that stress hardy people engage in activities that bring purpose or meaning to their lives whether in their role as parent, spouse, co-worker, or friend or in the volunteer work they do. What would you list as the priorities in your life and do you spend time engaged in these activities? In addition, stress hardy individuals view difficult situations as an expected part of life. When such situations arise, they interpret them as challenges to confront and learn from rather than as stress to avoid. It is helpful to recall that in the Chinese language the same word is used for “crisis” and “opportunity with danger”.

Stress hardy people can define the factors over which they have control and those that they don’t , focusing their time and energy on situations within their sphere of influence. You might wish to do the following. Make a list of five things you want to see different in your life and then next to each item write down whether someone else has to change first for you to achieve your goal. If you discover that your happiness is based on another person changing first, whoever it may be, you might be waiting a long time to become happy. You are likely to become increasingly stressed during the wait. You will feel empowered if you focus your time and energy on what you can do differently to improve particular situations.

Key 3: View Life Through the Eyes of Others

Resilient individuals develop satisfying relationships in their lives. A cornerstone of such relationships is the capacity to be empathic and to place oneself inside the shoes of others and see the world through their eyes.

To become more empathic ask yourself: “In anything I say or do, what do I hope to accomplish? Do I say or do things in ways that will motivate others to be willing to listen and respond to me? Do I behave towards others in the same way I would like them to behave towards me?”

Make a list of the words you hope people would use to describe you and then the words you think they would actually use. Reflect upon what actions you might take to change your behaviour so that the two lists of words are more in accord with each other.

Key 4: Communicate Effectively

The ability to communicate effectively is an integral component of resilience and is closely linked to empathy. Effective communication includes an appreciation of how our verbal and nonverbal messages are perceived by others and our capacity to be an active listener. Active listeners attempt to understand what the other person is expressing and even if they disagree they are respectful and validate that they “hear” the other person’s viewpoint. The more effectively we learn to convey our feelings, thoughts, and beliefs verbally and nonverbally, the more successful and resilient we will be.

Key 5: Accept Yourself and Others

If you are to nurture a resilient mindset, you must learn to accept yourself. Acceptance implies possessing realistic expectations and goals, recognizing your strengths as well as vulnerabilities, and leading an authentic, balanced life in which your behaviours are in accord with your values and goals. View each item on your list and reflect upon how much of your time and energy is expended to achieve what you have listed. As you learn to accept yourself, as you gain a clear picture of your strengths and vulnerabilities, as you articulate your values, you will be in a position to remove those factors that serve as obstacles to realizing a more honest, enriched life.

Key 6 : Make Connections and Display Compassion

It is difficult to be resilient if we do not nurture connections in our lives – connections to other people, to ideals, to our faith, to causes. Psychologist Julius Segal, when discussing individuals who enrich the lives of children, referred to them as “charismatic adults”, people from whom children “gather strength.” Even as adults we need people in our lives from whom we gather strength. In addition, our resilience will be enhanced if we serve as a source of strength and support for others. In this regard, consider the following questions: ‘Who are the two or three people who serve as charismatic adults in my life? What have they done that has prompted me to list them in this way? What people would say that I am the charismatic adult in their lives, and why? Aside from relationships with people, what other activities in my life supply me with a sense of connectedness? In what ways am I compassionate and giving?” Being connected to and helping others provide meaning to our lives and serve as nutriments for resilience.

Key 7: Learn to Deal with Mistakes

The ways in which we understand and respond to mistakes and failure are an integral part of a resilient mindset. When you make a mistake, what do you tell yourself? How do you react? Resilient people consider mistakes as experiences for learning and growth. They ask themselves, “What can I do differently next time to succeed?” Those who are not resilient typically interpret mistakes as attributable to conditions that cannot be easily corrected, such as a lack of intelligence. They feel defeated by mistakes and often end up blaming others or quitting or refusing to attempt things. Observe what you say to yourself when you make a mistake. It will give you a clue to how resilient you are and what you might have to change.

Key 8 : Learn to Deal with Success and Build Islands of Competence

Just as the manner in which we understand and respond to setbacks in an integral part of a resilient mindset so too, is the way we react to successes in our lives. Think about how you understand your achievements. Those who are resilient view their accomplishments as based upon their own resources and strengths. This doesn’t mean they fail to acknowledge the support of others. Rather, they don’t dismiss or minimize what they have achieved. In contrast, people who are not resilient tend to attribute their success to factors outside their control such as luck or chance or fate. Consequently, they are not as confident or optimistic about being successful in the future. There is another feature of resilient people we wish to highlight. While they do not deny their vulnerabilities, they are able to identify their strengths or what we call their “islands of competence”. What would you list as your islands of competence? Do you regularly engage in these strengths to bolster your resilience?

Key 9 : Continue Developing Self –Discipline and Self – Control

Self-discipline and self-control play a significant role in our daily activities. When we think before we act, when we consider the feelings of others, when we reflect upon possible solutions to problems, when we behave in a rational and thoughtful way, when we engage in developing a business plan, when we keep from screaming at someone who has done something to make us angry, we are displaying self-discipline and self-control.

It is a major component of stress-hardiness and resilience. Self-discipline and self-control must be exercised in the following ways: Accept ownership for your behaviour. Be consistent, but not rigid. Become a proactive problem solver, thinking of different solutions before you act. Believe that every problem has a possible solution. Remember that with effort and patience, possible solutions become probable solutions. It is difficult to be resilient and have satisfying relationships if you are impulsive, arbitrary, and unpredictable. We believe that these negative traits can be changed as long as we first acknowledge their existence and then develop a realistic plan of action to modify these counterproductive behaviours.

Key 10. Maintaining Your Resilient Lifestyle Takes Work

If we abandon well-established diets and exercise, our health will suffer. The same principle is true when we consider the maintenance of a resilient lifestyle. Once you have developed the features associated with a resilient mindset and lifestyle, you cannot settle back and assume these qualities will be maintained on automatic pilot. Expected and unexpected challenges will emerge that will test your ability to be resilient. The more you understand the characteristics of resilient individuals, the more you can engage in daily and long-term exercises to maintain, and even strengthen, a resilient mindset.

Each and every day consider: “Have I listened and communicated effectively with others? Have I responded to stress, mistakes, and setbacks in thoughtful ways? Have I maintained connections to people, ideals, causes, and faith?” Leading a resilient lifestyle should be in constant focus.

Read our article: The Cycle of Change. Managing Change.

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Children and Grief

2011-07-08T16:30:00.012+10:00

As parents, we want to protect our children from everything. Unfortunately, there is a whole world of life experience out there that we can’t control. One of the most difficult situations that every child faces eventually is grief. Grief can be the result of many events such as the loss of a family member, friend or pet, separation or divorce of parents, or a move to an unfamiliar town.

To help children cope with grief, it is first important to make sure that the children understand it is ok to grieve and every person grieves in a different manner. Just as people are different and enjoy different things, people also grieve differently and receive help and support in different ways.

Reassure Your Child that This Is Not His Fault:

The first thing you can do to help your child cope with grief is let him know that the death/loss is not his fault. Human nature often leads all of us to believe that there was something more that we could have done to prevent a situation. If a child feels that he is somehow responsible for the event, he can harbour unimaginable pain, guilt and anger. In this case, you need explain that you understand how he feels, but that it was absolutely not his fault and not was caused as a result of his actions.

Talk With a Child in Language He/She Can Understand:

Use language that reflects what the child can see, hear, touch, and feel. Provide factual information about the event to your child. If not provided with information he may use his imagination and create unhelpful or inaccurate stories about what has happened. The child should be give an honest explanation of the death and the events that lead to it. Statements like “Grandmother has gone to sleep”, or “He was so sick”, are not good explanations, because children sleep and get sick. It is better to indicate that a certain organ was not functioning properly and as a result the loved one died.

“How do you explain death to a child? A good place to begin is with what you yourself believe about death and what comes after, says Dr Dina Hankin(2). “ You can explain while the person’s body won’t be with us anymore, their soul and memory will be.” Answer questions honesty. Vague answers often confuse children and increase their fears and uncertainty. “It’s also OK to tell a child “I don’t know” when they ask some of the tougher questions, like what is it like right before or after a person dies. “Just like anything, if you can be comfortable with it, your child probably will be as well.”

Dr Hankin often helps kids come to terms with the impending death of a terminally ill sibling. She stresses that “it is important to help children create positive, lasting memories of the person who is dying.” Children may want to draw pictures for the person who is ill or just spend time with them. “Don’t put pressure on them to do it in any particular way. Just give them the opportunity to do so", she advises.

Listen and Share:

Take the time to listen to what your child has to say and encourage him to be open. Share a similar experience you had, how it made you feel, and how you got through it. In the event that your child’s grief stemmed from the loss of a person or pet let him know that you are sad, too. It is OK for you to cry when talking about the loss. Explain why you are crying, e.g. you miss the person. Your child has to know that he is not alone. Remember, that you are his role model for how one goes about expressing grief. Expressing feelings of love is extremely beneficial at a time of loss.

Find Positive Diversions:

Children will feel an empty gap in their lives, especially if the loved one was a close member of the family. Having a picture or memorable item on hand to give to your child will help to fill that gap. It is also a good idea to have your children express their feelings. Feelings can be written down in the form of poetry or a letter. Giving your child a journal will give them a private place to store their thoughts.

Encourage physical activity or artful expression; Help your child find ways to occupy his body and mind. You may meet some initial resistance, but in the long run, it will work wonder for him. Play with him at the park. Buy him a new art set. Help him get back into the things he enjoyed before the crisis hit.

Watch Your Child Behaviour:

Grief, depression and stress can cause behaviour changes. Keep an eye on your child’s behaviour. Early on, sadness, anger and confusion are common, expected and completely normal. If it has been 4 weeks since the event happened and your child refuses to leave your side, this may be a red flag that he is still having an extremely hard time coping with the situation. Pay close attention to long term displays of the following behaviour: nightmares, withdrawal, anger, separation anxiety. If you are seeing a consistent pattern of these behaviours, you may want to consider professional assistance.

Actively responding to your child’s sadness with the proper love and care, will strengthen your relationship and prevent ongoing hard ships related to the event. While the child’s grief is certainly individual and personal, the child is still grieving in a family environment. While these situations are difficult to handle, they also opportunities for your family to grow closer as a unit; to learn to hurt and heal together.

Ten Lessons About Grief From Children

Teaching children about grief is an important task. They need to be informed about what they may be experiencing and be assured of being loved and supported. At the same time, adults can learn from observing the ways children grieve because more times than not, children are just like adults in their grief, yet more honest and candid. The following observations are from working with hundreds of children ages 7-16 who have lost a loved one.

Lesson 1:

Some things will make you cry, even when you don’t want to cry. You weren’t really planning on crying, but the memory was too strong not to cry. It’s ok to cry, especially when you’ve got people around you crying.
Lesson 2:
Sometimes you need to take a break from grieving. Learning the lessons of grief is an important task, but so is resting and having fun.
Lesson 3:
Just because someone is laughing and having fun doesn’t mean they’re still not hurting. Taking breaks from our grief doesn’t mean the grief isn’t still there. Calm water on the surface doesn’t mean it’s completely calm underneath.
Lesson 4:
It’s nice to know people are willing to listen to you, but it’s even nicer to have them be willing to wait until you’re ready to talk. Some people have trouble sharing their feelings. They need time to develop trust. They don’t care to let you know, until you have let them know that you care.
Lesson 5:
People who have been through like experiences of loss can communicate on a deep level, with or without words. You don’t necessarily have to hear someone talk about their pain to know it’s real, especially if you’ve experienced something similar.
Lesson 6:
Not everyone wants to participate in ‘group’ activities. Just as people are different and enjoy different things, people also grieve differently and receive help and support in different ways. A favourite book or story may not mean as much to someone else as it does to you. They may find help and support in other ways.
Lesson 7:
Helping children deal with their stuff will bring up your stuff. Time distances, but it doesn’t always heal. Experiencing a loss is not necessarily dealing with a loss. The adult in you may say it’s OK now, but the little child inside of you may still be hurting and need someone to understand.
Lesson 8:
The most meaningful, healing moments may not be on the agenda. A lot of good work at the children’s camp is dome during lesson time, but some of the best work is done sitting by the lake, getting the courage to leap off the tower onto the zip-line, or taking that one last step that helps you reach the top of the wall, knowing that if you climbed that wall there are other walls in your life that you can climb as well.
Lesson 9:
Kids are still kids. They shouldn’t want to stay up late and talk after “lights out” because they are grieving children, and grieving children are different. Not so. Grief is a part of you, but there are other parts, and that’s OK.
Lesson 10:
Even though it hurts to remember, you don’t ever want to stop remembering. As the balloons launch into the sky on Sunday morning at the children’s camp, they go in search of someone we believe will always be out there whether we can see them or not, and knowing that they may find a part of them helps us recover a part of us. Seeing through tears is still seeing. Hearing in silence is still hearing. Feeling with a broken heart is still feeling. It wasn’t in our power to keep you from dying, but our memories of you will live forever.

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Enough is Enough
Team Spirit Support Group

Team Spirit is a support group for children and young people who are experiencing anxiety, stress, anger, separation/divorce. It's a place for them to talk and express how they feel in a confidential and safe environment. Fun activities are based around learning effective strategies and coping skills in an interactive manner.

Call us now on 02 9542 4029
www.enoughisenough.org.au
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Resources:

1. www.parentline.org.au

2. Kids and Grief, How to explain death to children by Lisa Mosckwitz Sadikman

3. Michigan Network for Grieving Chidren, Understanding Children's Grief

4. www.aringinfo.org, Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Loved One

5. Helping Children to Cope with Grief by Kimberly Kim; http://www.gaganine.com/helping-children-to-cope-with-grief/

6. How to Help a Grieving Child, http://www.dougy.org/grief-resources

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17 Years of Making a Difference

2011-07-05T15:34:00.005+10:00

Ken B Marslew AM - The founder of anti-violence movement Enough is Enoug

Seventeen years on and we are still going strong – no even stronger! We are not in the media as often, because we are not sensationalizing things. Just getting on with the job of changing attitudes to violence. Our educational programs operate in 20 prisons, eight juvenile justice systems and 300 schools.

The Angel Ball was run to rise additional funding for our schools programs: The Peacemaker Project, Positive Solutions Bullying Resilience Program and The Michael Marslew Peace Foundation. It was a great night, and we raised over $10000 for our projects. Thanks to Kim Simpson, our Community development manager for organizing the night, and thanks all of those who supported us and the local Westpac Banks for their kind sponsorship of the event.

Guided Self Empowerment Meditation for the Victims of Domestic Violence

2011-07-05T11:06:00.008+10:00

Uncover your inner strength with our new Self Empowerment Meditation. With the beautiful voice of Kimi Alcott, our presenter, great relaxing music by Chris Spheeris and ideas from Robert Brooks PH.D, the author of the Power of Resilience you can achieve inner strength and the ability to be resilient in handling the challenges and stresses of life.

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Mindfulness as a Practice

2011-06-28T11:09:00.009+10:00

Mindfulness meditation is a way of paying attention to your life, on purpose, in the present moment in a non attached way. By observing, non judging or analysing thoughts and feelings, allowing them to ‘come’ and ‘go’ as they come and go. Mindfulness is an intentional way of ‘being’ in life. The present moment is emphasised – the past is in the past and the only influence we can have over the future is to live fully and consciously in the ‘now’.

Mindfulness Creates Awareness

What happens when we are not being aware?

• Denial

• Repeating negative mistakes

• Feeling powerless

• Feeling anger

• Internal conflict

• Feeling paralysed

What happens when we are aware?

• We can identify problems

• We can take positive steps to help ourselves

• We are not overwhelmed by intense horrible feelings and emotions

• We become aware of negative automatic responses in behaviour and thinking

• We participate fully and consciously in our life

• We are able to focus on one thing at a time

When we are mindful we are letting go of trying to control, avoid or suppress negative thoughts or feelings by observing our experience in a different way.

This way of being takes practice and is different to other forms of mediation whereby you are ‘taking yourself away’ from thoughts and feelings by using relaxation techniques, positive thinking, or visualising something nice.

This way of being is about discovering what is going on in your mind, of becoming aware of your inner thoughts and being able to ‘be’ with them – this awareness helps stop rumination, going over past negative situations and over analysing intrusive thoughts and feelings.

Mindfulness as a practice
Start by consciously practicing for 10 minutes each day.

Find a comfortable chair and sit in a relaxed and alert posture.

Pay attention to your breathing to each breath in and out. This will ground you in the present and allow you to move into a state of consciousness and stillness.

Ask yourself ‘what am I experiencing right now” and observe yourself in the present with whatever is happening. Identify any thoughts or feelings you have and stay with them... until they pass. Focus back on your breathing.

There may be other sensations you experience besides thoughts or feelings – you may be aware of bodily sensations...allow them, don’t analyse and wait for them to pass.

If painful or negative emotions or feeling occur... just watch them, don’t get caught up in them.. they will pass.

Label feelings and emotions eg. ‘that’s a sad feeling’ that’s an ‘angry thought’ NOT ‘I am sad’, ‘I am angry’. YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUTHTS AND FEELINGS – THEY ARE JUST THOUTHS AND FEELINGS.. they will pass. Allow them to drift away and they will gradually decrease in intensity and frequency.

With practice you will become the observer and witness to your experience. By embracing the full range of what we experience as human beings including pain in all its various forms, worry, anxiety, impatience, anger, grief, sadness, loneliness, anguish and despair we can lessen the power they have over our lives and move into an enhanced state of awareness.

If you would like to learn more about mindfulness and how it can benefit you please contact our counselling unit for an appointment 02 9542 4029.

Deborah, Counsellor at Enough is Enough

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For information about Enough is Enough Anti Violence Movement visit: http://www.enoughisenough.org.au/

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